I’m feeling out of it.
Today, at church, I started to cry. Tears welled in my eyes as the words, “My Jesus Saves” were shown on the screen. I was holding Samuel. His little head was nestled in my shoulder. Safe.
I don’t know if I was running on adrenaline or what, but all of a sudden today I find myself completely exhausted. Every cell seems to scream for rest. But, when I sit still I find my mind racing.
Yet, in my purse, there in a tiny medical Ziploc bag, is a pink star. A reminder. I need to let it go. Not the star — I’m saving that for him — but the worry and fear. It’s like my mind is wrestling with the what-if’s when he’s upstairs sleeping soundly. I wonder why our minds do that. Is is just a part of dealing with things? Wondering? Reliving the days?
But, I feel stuck. Every cough, every wheeze (he’s still wheezing — especially when he rests), every bit of drool causes me to worry.
I’m such a person who likes to push through things — move on — you know, pull up my boot-straps — toughen up. Yet, I’m beginning to suspect that I need to remember. To process. To let go. And in the release there is praise. Samuel is safe. The Lord has his life etched on His palm. I am blessed and honored to be his mother. In all times — good and bad. Honestly, when I was attempting to rest with him at the first hospital I kept thinking about how I was so grateful that I could be with him. That I could comfort him, rub his back, and sing to him. When the nurses brought him back after his surgery he reached for me. That was the first time he’s ever done that — and I ran to him. Literally. I scooped him in my arms and let his sweet little head burrow into my chest. And I held him. Close.
So today I write. I write about how I’m feeling weepy despite the goodness. I write about feeling stuck on what happened last week despite it being Sunday. I am so grateful for Samuel. I am so grateful for his life. I am so grateful. I write today, not because of not being grateful, but just because of those emotions that simply cannot seem to settle. And in that writing — I slowly am finding freedom. A freedom to be real, to process and to move forward. Maybe dealing with it allows me to heal. To keep walking.
Praise the Lord that you do still have him in your arms, safe. May He help you to “keep walking” and leave your fears behind. Remember that “Footprints in the Sand” poem?
“… During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”
I’m sure you’ve been running on adrenaline…you just went through a physically and emotionally exhausting journey. Again, I’m so glad he’s safe. Of course you’re going to do the “What if” thing….you’re a mom and it’s just second nature to do that when you’re taking care of another innocent little life. Just remember you’ve raised all the others and they’ve turned out great so you can’t let this one little thing that slipped past your fingers (and control) get to you. I will still pray that his little cough will go away and that his throat will heal perfectly. I’ll also pray that God will let you rest, and your soul!
You will get through this trial. I know from experience as when my Holly was was 8 she got hit by a golf club and had a scull fracture. We almost lost her. When my Jennifer was 18 she was misdiagnosed with cancer and had to go through a painful biopsy. My Jeremy within the last 3 years has been diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. All my children have survived and I know that this is our temporary home. Stay strong and keep your eyes on the Lord.
It is okay to be weepy. What happened was scary and an all to real reminder how in an instant our world can change. Honestly, reading the emotion in your words, I got weepy, too. Even super-mom’s are allowed to cry. You’ll be the better for it, and when I went through the health scares with my Jack, the tears cleansed my soul and allowed me to breathe again. Praying His arms will reach you when my cannot.
Two years ago June 5th we almost lost our Alyssa to a drowning in a pool. We were in TN visiting my husband’s family and she had gone swimming with one of his life long friends wife and sister and daughter. Neither of us felt great about letting her go because we are kind of over protective sometimes but we decided to let her go, only to get a call that she was being transported to children’s hospital because she had gone under in the pool and couldn’t get where she could reach and get air and the pool was too crowded and no one heard her scream-she went under and the next thing they knew our friends that had taken her couldn’t find her they ran to the side of the pool to find her blue and floating face down in the water. They screamed and jumped in with a life guard who pulled her out. An angel (I call her that because we could never find out who she was) who was a nurse swimming there that day ran over and started CPR on her and got her breathing again-they called the ambulance and rushed her to children’s. They called us on the way to tell us what happened. We met at the hospital were she was strapped to a bed with all kinds of tubes and things attached to her while they drew blood and ran x-rays and waited to see if there would be brain damage from going without oxygen for the time span she had. I still relive the what if’s-like had we not let her go-if I had gone-tons of others. But, praise God He allowed her to live and nothing happened to her-she suffered no side effects and is not even afraid to go swimming anymore. There are times for no reason it will hit me and sometimes I have even almost small panic attacks about allowing my kids to go somewhere or do something with someone else now. But I have had to try and let go of it all and just thank God that for whatever time period He has given them to me I am so grateful and blessed. I will be praying for you over this-I can’t even imagine what you went through. I was so afraid for you and I was so overjoyed to read that it had all gone well and you and your sweet baby and doing well. When we love them so much it is so hard to think of anything happening that might take them from us. Praying you will find that peace and comfort only He can provide.
Praise God from whom all blessing flow.
I had a similar experience (in terms of the emotion of it all) a couple of months ago – Hubby and I were going to drive to Santa Fe (about an hour away from us) for a date. I didn’t want to go to Santa Fe. I couldn’t shake the terrified feeling that, if we went, something terrible would happen. I prayed, I repented, I surrendered, but I couldn’t shake it; I was absolutely petrified. The boys screamed as we left. I finally told Hubby everything as we got in the car, we prayed, and the Lord said not to go to Santa Fe. I don’t know why we weren’t supposed to go, but for days my heart raced and I couldn’t let go of the fear of “what if…” I had to continually remind myself that “what if” DIDN’T happen, that the Lord protected us, and that we prayed and obeyed the Holy Spirit’s nudging.
Praying for you, my sweet friend, as you process everything.
In the beginning of the year I had a huge scare. Daniel our youngest was 1 1/2 at the time. He had gotten into the garbage in the kitchen at eaten some old vitamins I had tossed away. ( I didn’t know anything till the next morning)
The next morning Zeke tells me that Daniel was dirty. I go in to check on him and he had vomited. He had ingested about 5-6 pills. they were all in tact.
I know that God woke him up that night and had him vomit. He had his hand on him.
I couldn’t stop thinking of the what if’s? But I needed to tell myself that God was in control. That he had Daniel’s life in his hands and that I couldn’t think of the what if’s or that would just kill me inside. I had to let it go and let God deal with it. Like you said you are finding slowly freedom.
I will pray that God gives you the peace you need and the comfort and you ind complete freedom. It’s a process but with God its possible.
Many blessings to you and your family
May the Lord continue to give you peace…praise Him for the safety and well-being of Samuel! Thank you, God, for the wise doctor’s whose skillful hands took care of Samuel and that no long-term harm was done! Thank you for a family that pulled together, prayed and trusted in You when they had nowhere else to turn! May Samuel grow in wisdom and stature, in favor with God and Man all the days of his life!
I think your emotional melt down is completely justified.
We hold up and are strong when we need to and then, when the danger has passsed, we can allow ourselves to give in to those feelings we were holding inside.
Have a good cry and you’ll feel lots better, dear.
Those are my feet and legs in the one picture! Up at Itasca!! 🙂