Sweet sweet, sometimes not so sweet kids of mine, I have something you need to know.
I want you to know how hard I try.
I really need you to know that. More than anything. I know I haven’t been perfect, I know I’ve messed up more times than we can count, know I’ve lost my cool, but in it all, I’ve really really tried.
There are so many nights when I go to bed and I cry in my bed.
I think I’ve failed.
I think I’ve let you down. I see the promises I didn’t keep or the things I didn’t do. I see all of that stuff that messed up the perfect plan I had for your childhood. I didn’t want you to have to deal with the heartache of divorce or seeing me work super hard. I just didn’t.
I wanted it to look different.
But despite all of that, I try.
It’s such a heart try. I tried the day the first one of you came home and I looked at your scrunched up little face not having a clue what to do next. And just because I didn’t have a clue didn’t mean I stayed there. I tried. I figured out how to feed you and change you all. I figured out bedtime and snack time. I figured out the doctor visits and memorized the doctor’s office number. I learned about preschool and kindergarten and grade school and middle school and college.
Just because I never knew what to do didn’t mean I stopped.
I kept going.
Making birthday cake after birthday cake, wrapping present after present, paying bill after bill, driving to lesson after lesson, saying prayer after prayer.
Because more than anything, my trying is from this deep love.
I’m never going to be perfect. And neither are you. I’m so glad you got to see me stumble so much, because in every single stumble you didn’t see me stay stuck, you saw me try again. You saw me show up in those teacher’s offices and driving around at night.
We tried.
Despite our messes we created a story, a family, an adventure. Your childhood.
It might never look like Hallmark, but oh my word, it is OUR story. I’m so proud to be your mom. Just beyond proud. There are nights where I look at you sleeping and tears well in my eyes and the despite the slammed doors and late homework and “I hate you” moments all I can feel welling inside is the deep deep love of motherhood.
I love being your imperfect mom.
I’ll never stop trying. Never.
If anything, in all these years, that is what I what you to know.
I tried so hard because I love you so much.
I really do.
Thanks for trying with me. Thanks for loving me. Be brave, be bold, love others.
And always try.
~me.
words by Rachel Marie Martin
This post is included in my new book to moms about bravery. Because motherhood is a whole bunch of trying trying trying. To get your own copy and to be reminded of your bravery go below. Thank you for trying. <3
The Brave Art of Motherhood
12 comments
This is just how I’ve felt lately! Thank you for sharing, your insight and being willing to be vulnerable to the rest of us out here struggling too.
Ohhh Rachel, with all your self proclaimed imperfections, you are absolutely perfect. Perfect in your doubts. Perfect in your determination. Perfect in you spirit. Perfect in your commitment. Perfect in you love. Perfect in your imperfections. Embrace your children. Embrace your doubts. Embrace the fact you cannot make the world in your eyes, nor in your childrens eye. Tommorrow is always another day to try and get it… almost right. This too, shall pass. 😘
This made me teary. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
~Rachel
You always find the exact words for how I feel. Thank you for being real and not making motherhood seem picture perfect ❤️ Xoxo
Brandi, you have done a good job by your self. I think every Mother feels like she failed in a lot of things. We did the best we knew at the time.
Wow! From the Heart. Not having children, I will never know that kind of Love . When I read stories like this
I get a picture of what it would be like. Thanks!
Eloquently said
I would love to read this book, where do I buy it.
I was a math major. I do not write well. Thank you to all those who do and share their writings with those of us who have the same feelings and experiences but cannot express them as you do. This was so right on. Thank you.
I have felt like this so many times. The author is right on the button. Nobody is born knowing how to be a parent. We all try our best and spent sleepless nights when things go wrong . Things can change from one minute to another. Things can change drastically.As parents we try to do the best that we can. Love you Liz.❤️❤️❤️
This sounds so much like you! After your selfish husband left , you just stepped up and kept going. I am so proud of the wonderful, selfless and loving single parent you have become! Your children know who really loves them and excepts them for who they are. I know it is hard but you are always there for them. They couldn’t ask for a better mother. And as they continue to grow they will know who their true parent is. I love you! Never doubt yourself!
What a beautiful contribution. I know so many moms, grandmoms who, really need to see this. I advocate for the children in our community that have found themselves entangled in the awful and frightening child services system and so many are incredibly dow on themselves to where they lost all hope. Myself, being a mom of 3 children, now being a grandmother of 5, I can see it when own are having a hard time. I’m really looking forward to reading this book! Thank you so much. Very, very much needed by so many!