I thought I had written enough about the trenches. I had convinced myself that I could survive the trench — I’d just keep my attitude up and keep smiling. That worked. For a bit. Well, until today.
Today I realized how incredibly completely totally behind I am. In everything.
And I can’t seem to get myself motivated to start chipping away at those behind categories in my life. I look at them and feel immediate overwhelm. The task is too big or I feel too far behind that I’ll never get on top of it. Take homeschooling — I look at the schedule and I know that next week I’ll miss 2days due to Samuel’s doctors appointments. Then I begin to feel discouraged about getting further behind. Then I start lamenting outloud to the kids about how behind we are. Then, guess what, our home gets stressed out feeling.
I’ve come to realize that I am not going to get that year where every box gets checked. Reality check — I’ve never had a year like that. I’m just going to have to do the best I can and not be so hard on myself. That to-do list? It doesn’t define me. I’m not failing simply because we’re several weeks behind. (Maybe it’s a bit more than several.) And I’m admitting that here. So often I think I walk around afraid to let anyone know that my life isn’t all neatly tied together — I try to stuff all the messiness and overwhelm down and then become exhausted trying to keep all the plates balanced.
These times where we as a family have to hunker down in trenches remind me of how I need to be aware to grab moments — of learning or laundry or laughter. Did learning take place? Absolutely. It might not look like the learning that I had planned back in September, and that’s okay. It’s okay.
Some days are like days a month ago. Some days are crazy. Some days are sad. Some days have challenges. But, we’re still living. Embracing this season.
And that’s okay.
I’m telling myself it again — it’s okay.
This season? It was known.
I’ll make it though.