Sometimes I don’t like motherhood that much. That’s what she wrote me. She worried about feeling alone. About this secret of not liking being a mom sometimes. And this is what I replied:
you know, I’ve felt that way too.
There are some mornings (or weeks) where I’ll wake up, not by my own choice at the time which means often before the sun graces the horizon, and come downstairs into my kitchen and see the remnants of my was supposed to be clean kitchen but it is totally so far from being clean that it will take massive efforts and a 38 step program to get it back space, and we’re late, and I feel behind, there’s never-ending laundry to do, the little ones are fighting over the one orange marker, and it is only 8:13 in the morning. And I end up overwhelmed, irritated, or sitting in my not liking motherhood very much right now moment.
Do you know what I think? I think it’s normal to not like motherhood sometimes.
Yep. I said it.
And I’ll say it because sometimes I don’t think we like to voice that part of our journey.
So what do you do if you’re in that spot? That not liking of motherhood moment place in life and yet here you are – a mom? What then? I thought of that as I read comments – and I thought about my own life – and I mulled over what to do in those very real places of motherhood.
There isn’t an eleven step program to learning to love motherhood with eight easy activities to complete each day for the next four weeks. There isn’t a program, book, blog post, or words on finding the perfect balance from someone else that will make your heart switch to liking motherhood in those challenging days.
Sometimes it simply takes work.
There are some things in our lives, like gratitude, that we have to simply practice to make it grow. And often motherhood is lumped into that category.
We just don’t talk about it that much.
It’s easier to look at all the cute projects we think we should be doing and keep ourselves busy and to plaster a smile on our faces at preschool and inside the thought of failure or I can’t keep up with them or why are they so happy and I’m not? can run through our minds making us think that we must not be good at this motherhood thing. Then those thoughts can rob us from the joy or liking of motherhood because we’re comparing.
Truth? I remember.
I remember sitting in a preschool waiting room years ago and holding my wiggly and tired toddler’s hand while I waited for my preschooler to come out and I remember feeling very much alone. I felt inadequate as a mother and I didn’t really like it as I watched the other moms – who seemed like they had it very much together – stand talking while I stood there trying to keep my toddler from not flopping on the wet snow dropped everywhere floor.
The not liking of motherhood sometimes part can be normal.
Do you know what I want you to know?
You’re not alone. You’re not alone in feeling this way.
Motherhood has become a crazy place of stress and expectations for every single day of the week and keeping up with the perfect house and having the perfect kids and not a second to breathe as you race from class to class to class and then you have attitudes and cleaning and kids that don’t listen and expectations, expectations, and expectations. There are days when I sit at my table with my head in my hands and my third cup of coffee and the tears drop to the table are the hanging on days when I really struggle with motherhood.
The other day when yet another email came in with the words about not liking motherhood I sat down at my table and thought of a reply. And my reply was really similar to gratitude – it was in deciding to look for things that you do like in the middle of something that right now feels not too fun. The reality is – you’re a mother. And in being a mother there are responsibilities, roles, hard work, and an awful lot of giving to self. It’s work. Is there beauty in the midst? Yes. But there is also a tremendous amount of life giving work.
The truth is that we all need authentic real moms who are able and willing to mention where they are in this journey.
Culture has created this super mom ideal – with the happy and always joyful mom who loves every single moment in the day and who cannot wait to wake up and start the day with the kids and she’s ready to go with not a hair out of place after her workout and the dinner is already cooking and there are fresh flowers on the table and notes in the lunches and cute projects do to – which can leave the real mom feeling a bit discouraged and discontent.
You’re not a bad mother for having these feelings sometimes.
If you don’t like it right now I’m going to challenge you to make it a goal of yours to start liking your kids and not worry about the motherhood part. Love them, look at them, find things in them that are awesome. Motherhood gets distorted when we as a culture forget that it’s not those big things that makes a difference when it’s often really the little things.
It’s the time when you sit on the couch and read the books over and over and over. It’s the afternoons that are spent living in the car as you shuttle them from place to place to place with your Starbucks in hand. It’s the middle of the night rocking a newborn to sleep and simply holding them because the second you put them down they wake up so you catnap the entire night. It’s the getting up in the morning, making breakfast, washing the dishes, and cleaning the kitchen.
It’s those things.
Those simple, often overlooked, yet very beautiful things.
And the smiles, the I love you’s, the art projects on your fridge, the first time they write their name, the excitement over the rainbow, and all of those little gifts tucked within the very busy and very giving role of mother.
The moments of motherhood that are most lovely often won’t be realized until they are done.
And, often I don’t think are realized until the kids are grown. That is why my grandmother looked at me and told me that it goes so fast – she had perspective, space, and time to see the beautiful moments in the midst of ordinary motherhood.
So today, today if you’re struggling with liking motherhood I want you to first know that you are not alone. Second, I don’t want you to stay there, so I also want you to look for just three things that you do like in this day and to begin to practice to see those things. Begin to see those gifts unique to your life, your family, your children.
Don’t compare to the other moms – comparison is truly the death of contentment. Just learn, do one thing and do it well, and press onward.
It’s a journey, moms, a journey. And in the journey there are good days, medium days, hard days, not liking it much days – mixed with amazing days, beautiful days, and those days where you breathe and simply know this is a gift.
You can do it.
One motherhood day at a time.
And those days will add up to be your story.
~Rachel
#findingjoy
33 comments
Such an important post. We have all been there at times. there are times when it’s difficult and I just don’t feel I have anything left to give. I pray. I keep putting one foot in front of the other…
Such an inspiring, beautifully worded post. Thank you x
Thank you so much for this. And for your honesty. I was having one of those days, and this is just what I needed.
I was one of those who did not enjoy motherhood. If I ever dared voice that opinion, other women(who loved being a mother) would look at me like I was an axe murderer. It seemed like people didn’t hear ” I don’t enjoy motherhood” and instead heard “I don’t love my children, which is sooooo not true. I have a type A personality and thought since I was very capable in my career, that being a mother and being a stay at home mom would be a piece of cake. HA! First off, I couldn’t control that my girls (14 1/2 months apart) cried all day long(not exaggerating) for 2 1/2 years despite me doing everything “right”. If I could go back and say something to myself as a young mother, it would be to hire a mother’s helper 3 days a week for 4 hours a day. For all those who have difficult days I can tell you that those days don’t last forever and your children will grow up eventually. I kept a laminated scripture in my bathroom that read: Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Galations 6:9)
Thank you for continuing to be real.
Love, love this. THIS is so me… Always putting my kids/ family before myself.. sometimes its a struggle, some days are easier than others. We all have those but this is real… We still yearn for happiness and contentment also as mothers and we go and go and.give.and.give with not really wanting or expecting much in return but every once in a while we have that self pitty. That’s normal. We deserve that. Got away from the topic of the post a little but its all related. It’s motherhood. I have no.regrets obviously and would NEVER change a thing. I love my boys with everything I have in me but you are right.. it is not always fun. Somedays ok quite a bit of days( keeping it real on my end also) I do not like it. But it is who I am I love my children. We are just mothers being honest and I am not one.to powder coat. I’m.done. thank you!! I tell all my.mom friends about your blog/ fcbk. Pg. Love your writings!!!
Thank you for this! It seems like no one talks about not being happy as a Mommy, and when your dream has always been to be a Mommy, it’s surprising when the unhappiness and grumpies set in. It wonderful to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way and that there’s not something wrong with me or my children.
I am reading this as I am half an hour into my nightly battle to get my 3 year old into bed.
Thank you.xxx
Oh boy, I read you loud and clear. I so needed to hear this today. Thank you. Trying to hold the tears. I can do this…
I agree with Pam’s comment–I felt so capable at work or in school and motherhood has thrown me for a loop. I adore my child. Couldn’t love her more. But when I see people write things like “This is the best job in the world!” or “I”m so lucky!” I want to cry b/c I feel like there’s something wrong with me that I don’t always feel that way.
“Comparison is the death of contentment.” Exactly what I needed to hear. Also, the previous poster who had the Galatians scripture in her bathroom, I just wrote it on the whiteboard in my bathroom. What a beautiful way to remember that it is ALL worth it. Every day.
thanks, I needed this, to know other moms feel something like how I do. my hubby is away for an extented amount of time & I’m really struggling. I am one of those moms that was O excited to have kids!!! I was going to be the martha stewart of mothers, but I have had depression on & off since having my 1st of 4 kids. I do love my kids but I can’t seem to enjoy them. and it really scares me cause I see them growing up & know that someday they’ll be all grown up & I will have wasted all this time yelling at them, feeling frustrated & mad, feeling like they would be better off if I was gone. I’ll look back & feel like my own mom does now…like she was a horrible mother. I’ve been thru these ups & downs so many times before, I’m just so tired of it.
It is great to have another mom write about this! I have written a few posts on my struggle with depression and the pressures of being a mom. Hearing that other mom’s feel the exact same way is uplifting. Thanks for being so real.
Is there a difference between not liking motherhood and just wanting a break now and then?
Call upon the Lord! He hears! He answers according to His Will. Praying!
Lamentations 3:55-58 I called upon thy name, O LORD, out of the low dungeon. Thou hast heard my voice: hide not thine ear at my breathing, at my cry. Thou drewest near in the day that I called upon thee: thou saidst, Fear not. O Lord, thou hast pleaded the causes of my soul; thou hast redeemed my life.
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You really spoke to me heart today, Rachel. There are many times when I think to myself, “This is NOT what I signed up for!”, and then I realize anything in life can be that way and my family is my ministry and a blessing. We aren’t bad mothers if we admit we don’t like it sometimes – I think, in fact, that we would be a bit odd if we loved it all the time!
Thanks for keeping it real.
I know I was one of those people who asked about not liking motherhood…And I want to let you know that I’m trying hard to put your advice into practice and look for nice little moments every day. Even if they are imbedded in not so good day. And Just keep trying. Maybe love will come later, but for now, I will just try to do my best.
Thanks everyone for your very honest, very real, and always encouraging comments. I really do believe we are so much stronger when we admit where we are and push each other to be better.
And Evs, I want you to know that your comment on my post last week was the comment that made me to finally decide to write this post. I am so thankful for your words, for your question, and for your realness. I hope that in the days to come the doing one thing, looking for one thing, and just keep trying attitude is a blessing to you. Thank you so much.
Blessings all.
Rachel
I really loved this… I would love to see a spin on it for those of us who came to motherhood by way of infertility, adoption, IVF, etc. I have noticed SO much pressure in this community to love it, cherish it, adore it every second because we wanted it for SO long and worked SO hard for motherhood. It’s like we are afraid to talk about how hard it REALLY is, and how some days, we really don’t like it. Anyway, this was great. Thank you!
Because your comment is two years old, you might not see this, but yes! After infertility, a very expensive failed IVF and the crushing thought that I wasn’t going to be a mom, I got pregnant. It was not an easy pregnancy but just when I was started to feel a connection to the baby, it was over. He was born VERY early. After 4.5 months in the hospital, we brought him home. I also brought home PTSD and a whole lot of guilt. To this day I will never forget the moment I thought “This is what I went through all that for?” Hardly any sleep, pumping, constant doctor appointments, a baby on oxygen and enough anxiety to fill a football stadium. I immediately felt so guilty. It felt wrong to ever be frustrated, to ever need a break. At the end of the day it’s hard, no matter what it took to get there. Like everyone here, I love my son more than anything. Some days it’s just really hard to be his mom!
Oh what comfort these words give! The Lord knows exactly what you’re going through and will be with you every moment of every day. Keep your eyes on Him! Praying!
Isaiah 49:13-16a Sing, O heavens; and be joyful, O earth; and break forth into singing, O mountains: for the LORD hath comforted his people, and will have mercy upon his afflicted. But Zion said, The LORD hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me. Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands…
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Thank you so much for your post! It has been one of those days that I can’t stop crying and I’ve been up all night with a six week old that doesn’t stop crying or fussing either! It was exactly what I needed to hear today! Thank you!
Thank you. Just.. THANK YOU! It’s wonderful to have a safe place where we can say these things and be understood. If we didn’t love our children, we wouldn’t stick around. If you keep working at something you hate for someone you love, it means your love wins! I don’t have to like cleaning squash puree from the underside of the crib to be a fantastic mom. I don’t have to like getting poked, stepped on, or bitten. I don’t have to love exhaustion to be a great mom. I only have to love my children enough to be there for them no matter what. And sometimes just having a pulse at the end of the day means you win!
I’m in tears reading this. So true, so hit the nail on the head and so beautifully written. Spoke to my soul. Thank you. Xo
This is honestly excellent. And nearly brings me to tears. Some days I struggle so bad to understand why I feel like I can’t do this. I wonder why I can’t even seem to handle my two kids without having a breakdown or wishing so badly that Daddy will come home just a bit early so I can have a break. There are those beautiful, beautiful moments of pure innocence and happiness in our children….but it’s damn hard to raise them sometimes. x
Oh how the flood gate of tears have opened.
Your words are so true and so comforting.
Thank you.
Thank you to everyone who shared how they really feel. It helps so much to know you’re not alone in the struggle. I often find myself wishing the days away and considering how happy and free our lives were before having children. I get overwhelmed when I think about the fact that they are only three and one, and that I will be looking after them for years and years to come. I despise myself for losing my temper and yelling at my toddler, but I seem to do it again & again. How come I’m so calm and collected with 30 third grade kids but I lose it with my own little girl? Where has the fun side of me disappeared to?
I am trying to reset my thinking and to see the three little positives daily, as suggested in the article and I do know this – I wouldn’t change it because I know that THIS is my biggest opportunity to learn and grow as a human being.
Thank you for sharing and making me feel ‘normal’, sometimes you just need to hear you’re not alone. Bless you all, I know we can do it!
I needed this so much today. Thank you!
Thank you for this post. This is exactly what i needed to read. I feel at times like i want my old life back, I feel overwhelmed by all the responsibilities of having two children. I am finding it really hard to come to terms with my son’s autism and that i can’t control everything. I keep trying to find the happiness and confidence i used to have before having children. My self image has been changed so much from parenting and i’m working on trying to regain some of the old me.
I want to enjoy this instead of feeling like i want to run away.
Thank you for this article. I googled “when you don’t enjoy motherhood” and came across this article. I am going through a rough time with my teen. My current frustration is that finally when they are big enough and skilled enough to finally be able to contribute to the family, they are so overwhelmed with outside responsibilities, that they is no time to help out. My daughter is a 3 sport athlete and a high honor roll student and does not contribute at all at home. She will get almost violent when I suggest perhaps she should quit one of her sports. We disagree on what her priorities should be. Disagreeing with a strong-willed teenager is VERY stressful for me. With grades and sports and community service and test prep, I do acknowledge she is under a tremendous amount of pressure to acheive, it just sucks for those of us left doing the laundry, doing the dishes, doing the cleaning, making sure she is not wasting time on Netflix and proofreading her papers that often end in big arguments, because she really does not want to hear how it could be better from me. Raising a teen these days is very hard, as challenging as an infant and toddler was. I have to remind her to use please and thank you with ME. I am SO taken for granted and what I do to support her is belittled and unacknowledged. Waiting until it is over….
I love being a Mom and sometimes it’s hard to like it as much as we wish we could. I never wished time away while mine were “my little guys” but children are emotionally draining at any age. So far I’ve enjoyed the toddler years more than their teenage ones. My sons are 18 & 19 and I’m struggling with empty nest syndrome really bad. I’m trying to get used to them not needing my presence daily after putting them first all the time. It took a awhile to have days where I was liking motherhood more than I thought I was capable of feeling. It helps to know others feel the struggle. I tell my family that “I’m not the worlds best Mom but I love them best of all”. That love you feel is for the rest of your life.
I have been worrying that I spend too much of the day counting down until bedtime. I worry that I’m honestly not that much fun, because I’m so tired and distracted. I can’t fix all those things, but I try to sit down every night with my daughter and talk about the good parts of the day. We’re not religious, so we don’t say prayers, but we snuggle in the dark and list the things we loved about our day or each other. “I loved watching you run across the playground. You are so fast! And wow, you’re growing another tooth already. You are amazing.” It takes three minutes, but it reminds me every day of all the wonderful things I love about my kid, even in the hard moments.
The part where you said, “You’re not alone,” brought me to tears.
Exactly what I needed to read tonight…the tears are flowing but in a much needed way. I’m constantly comparing myself to others and just HATE that tendency. I only have one child, a two year old, and feel like a mess most the day and yet see moms toting around 2 or 3 that seem to have it together and wonder why I can’t manage one!!! And still crazy me looks at the pregnant moms or with the babies in addition to the toddler and is envious I don’t have another (husband just wants one which makes me sad but feel like you can’t force it). Anyway, when I can’t even hold it together through one day with one child I must be nuts to think i could even function with two! And why can’t I just be happy with one anyway? Is it me who really wants a second or am I just too busy comparing to everyone else who seems to have two and tell myself that’s the only way to have a legitimate family…mom and dad and at least two kids. Okay now I’m just ranting so I’m cutting myself off. Thanks so much for the post. I really needed this tonight.