I know.
I’ve been called it too.
Mean mom. The worst mom ever. I hate you. Horrible mom. Not fair mom.
%20then%20chances%20are%20you%20are%20doing%20something%20right%20in%20this%20crazy%20world%20of%20being%20a%20parent.%20%20Now%20listen%2C%20I%E2%80%99m%20not%20talking%20about%20never%20listening%20or%20not%20ever%20saying%20you%E2%80%99re%20sorry%20for%20times%20you%20mess%20up%20(because%20trust%20me%20there%20%E2%80%93%20you%E2%80%99ll%20mess%20up)%20but%20I%E2%80%99m%20talking%20about%20the%20times%20when%20you%20need%20to%20do%20what%20you%20need%20to%20do%20to%20help%20in%20that%20whole%20character%20aspect%20of%20parenthood.)
You name it. I’ve probably been called it.
And yes, that mean mom.
Normally it comes out as you are such a horribly mean mean mom.
With the worst scowl or look of incredulousness or oh yeah take that to me.
Typically it comes after I decide to really follow through with a consequence. Sometimes, I fall into that parental abyss of empty warnings – no youtube after dinner (because let’s face it my kids are on there more than the television) or you’re grounded for the rest of the week or you have to go to bed early or you’ll lose your iPod – so then when I follow through sometimes I’m met with those mean mom words.
I’m not going to lie.
The first time my eldest daughter Hannah uttered those words to me I was a bit taken aback.
How could she call me a mean mom? Didn’t she realize how much I did for her? All the nights staying up late and diapers changed and preschool stuff and shoes bought and working on crafts? What about even giving birth (I mean, come on that wasn’t a piece of cake)? Or what about the Halloween costumes? Cookies made? Rooms cleaned? Teeth brushed? And now, now she says I’m mean?
Well, truth is this – yep, they can call me the mean mom.
Here’s why: I want my children to understand cause and effect and consequences and not live entitled. And sometimes, even with the best parenting practices around it still results in their agenda being broken and me looking like the evil mean mom. Which, I hope you know, I’m really not because I’m just making sure that there is respect or follow through and that my children grow up to be responsible adults. In some ways, being called the mean mom means that you might actually be doing something right. Because those kids of ours with the sweet smiles sometimes like to try to get away with so much stuff.
And sometimes they hide their irritation, but more than often not.
I’m not sure how one actually gets through parenthood without having a moment where your children don’t think that you are absolutely the worst. That’s okay. I’m okay with being the worst if it means enforcing no Minecraft and more homework so that your grades get up. Or that sneaking food and hiding wrappers in the closet isn’t okay. Or that when you play with your friends you are kind and not a bully. Â It means if you take your brother’s game and play it without asking and breaking it that there will be a consequence.
So yes, they’ll call me that sometimes.
And yes, sometimes it still stings even after eighteen plus years of parenting.
But I’ll tell you this – if your kids call you the mean mom (or dad as many dads read this site too — rock on awesome dads) then chances are you are doing something right in this crazy world of being a parent. Â Now listen, I’m not talking about never listening or not ever saying you’re sorry for times you mess up (because trust me there – you’ll mess up) but I’m talking about the times when you need to do what you need to do to help in that whole character aspect of parenthood.
Real life has real consequences. You speed – you get a ticket. Like that. So best to learn that now.
Mean moms are really loving moms.
They are the moms that see the good in those kids and fight for them. They are the moms that know that that fifth grader can do that homework better and make them write it one more time. They are the ones who enforce the “no” even when it’s super hard. They are the moms that oftentimes look at themselves in the mirror with tears in their eyes as the little one they’ve raised and worked so hard said words that sting.
Honestly.
I’m telling you.
You’re doing great things.
Be a mom. Have fun. Love love love those kids. Listen.
You are doing an excellent job.
Even if they call you a mean mom.
~Rachel
ps..So if you’ve just been called it the first time – welcome. Welcome to the mean moms who really love their kids a great great deal club.
pss…And yes, yes, we have many talks about not calling people names including their mother. Most often those kids are like you’re the best mom ever because even they realize that the mean mom thing is really just me loving them greatly.
psss…feel free to join our group of mean and very real moms here.
18 comments
I’ve been mean Mom THREE times this week to my 10 year old. Disrespect to me or anyone else just brings out the Mean Mom that turns off Minecraft and ipad without warning. It is horrible, life altering, child abuse for him! Unfortunately , mumbling under his breath often comes out louder than he intended, extending the electronic sabbatical every single time! No need for a warning anymore, he knows what’s coming when he chooses to say disrespectful things, no matter the volume. 🙂 However, I learned after the first time I really had to be Mean Mom and he said “I hate you”, that he was comforted by it. I was a mess because it hurt to be called mean by your child for the first time. The “I hate you” made me cry ( out of his earshot and sight). It was awful. Later, after the storm subsided, he was amazingly happy and loving. Like a totally different kid than a hour before! He was 3 or 4 at the time. I think he was happy because somewhere in his little 4 year old brain, he knew I cared enough to set him straight. Maybe he didn’t process it quite like that, but he knew I loved him. That is enough to carry on being Mean Mom whenever necessary! Thanks for posting this. Now I know I am not the only mean Mom out there!
My 4 year old was mad about something I followed through on the other day and told me I was fired and that she was taking my mommy license away….
I am the mean mum on a regular basis according to my 8 year old. He tells me he wishes I would die so he could have a new mum, or at least that I was the one that went out to work and dad stayed home. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he is starting to think I can’t be his real mum, coz if I was I wouldn’t be so mean. It hurts – a lot. However the worst one was when he told me he wished he was dead so he didn’t have me as a mum any more! It is tough, and I question myself constantly, but in my heart I know I just want him to learn and grow so he can be the best possible him he can be. Thanks for your post. Thanks for being a mean mum and talking about it!
Thanks for your post. My girls are still too young to know the word ‘mean’. I sometimes doubt if I’m too hard on them, especially the older one. But you are right. We are mean because we want to instill discipline. We are mean because we love them and it is necessary at certain times. I’m ready for the day they call me mean.
Yes I too am in the “your such a meany club, ” mostly after saying no or stop a dozen times to no avail, but once the TV is off or the Nintendo DS goes to live on the top of the dresser for a while suddenly I’m the villian of the piece. Ha ha you get over the initial shock of it and now I just think of all the lovely I’m sorry mum cuddles I’m going to get, but also happy knowing that my child understands consequence and will hopefully grow into a well behaved, sensible grown up whom I love with every breath I take 🙂 🙂 🙂
It is true that often, when we set rules and need to discipline our children, they won’t like and we must remember that we are their parents, not their friends. That being said, we must also realize that there are parents who seem interested only the structure and discipline of life. Their goal they say is to enable their children to function properly in Society and I believe that they believe that. Yet when you see that while structure is emphasis, little or no nurturing (feeding the body (nutritionally), personally intentional interaction with their children beyond discipline or rule enforcement, feeding their souls) is evident in anything else. They see no problem in verbal thrashings, threatening bodily harm, kind words are few and far between, and public humiliation is considered a tool to often keep children in their place.
On the outside, they may look like a successful family – but their kids are physically, emotional and spiritually starving to death! These things, while unseen to the naked eye, are vital to raising whole children to become whole adults. Maintaining life and obedience training only are meant for pets, not children . We were created with needs beyond those basics. Sadly, they may have been raised the same way, so they don’t even realize the damage that is being done. There is little joy in homes like these – how terribly sad and how terribly destructive.
This article is great for the vast amount of people who will read it, but for others, it will be a stamp of approval, a re-enforcement for their negative parenting skills. They will pick out what affirms them and leave the rest on the heap as useless words by the truly uninformed.
Pray for these parents! They have no clue the damage they are doing to themselves as well as their children!
I have raised 2 boys (now 22 and 20 years old) with being the mean mom a million times over and I really don’t care. It’s my job to set boundaries – however young moms please take note! Never ever allow your child to raise his voice at you – if they slam the bedroom room the door is taken off – scream and you may not talk to me again… Absolutely under no circumstances would I hate you be tolerated – I don’t care how mean you think I am – Although I never had to punish anyone for this – they KNEW it would not be tolerated – when you allow a 4 year old to scream and be disrespectful you are creating a monster! One day that child will be as big as you and look you in the eye and then what are you going to do …. Nah get a grip on it immediately. I have made many many mistakes and am sooooooo far from a great parent but they are well adjusted young men that have exceptional manners!
As a mom to four boys, (ages 16, 14, 9 & 7) I’ve been called every name in the book, even been called “Hitler”! But you know what, nothing makes me happier than coming out of teacher conferences, or church or even a store and having people compliment them and me on being well behaved. It’s hard, and yes, there are days, many days, that I wonder if I’m doing a good job but when those sticky little hands wrap themselves around me and I get a big sloppy kiss or the teenager apologizes for saying those hurtful words, I know I’m doing an okay job. Wouldn’t change anything about it!
I’m a single dad and I understand my 6 year old son says it and I know he doesn’t mean it, because each night before he goes to bed he says goodnight dad love you. I know that makes everything go away and hopefully he does understand why and grows up knowing what I did was for the best.
Thanks for your post I needed to read that tonight. My kids are pretty much grown, youngest is 17, but it just never gets easier
My son is only 2 so I haven’t been called “Mean Mom” yet…love this though!
My kids have never called me mean, (and “I hate you” would NEVER be tolerated in our family no matter who they’re talking to!), but I have had other MOMS call me a mean mom many times. I just look at their kids and then look at mine and smile. My kids are always getting compliments on their behavior. They know I love them and want the best for them and that’s what matters.
I’ve been the mean mom more times than I count. And not just from my kids. From other parents, my parents, and other family members, too. And that’s okay. I’m not actually a mean mom. I’m just doing what I think I should when it comes to helping my children grow up to be responsible, caring adults.
When our children grow up, they’ll look back and know that the “meanness” they despised as a child, helped them turn into the wonderful adult they will be then.
I’ll be a mean mom as long as I need to be. I want my children to grow up and do better in life than I have, and I’ll do everything I can to ensure that they do.
I don’t let my daughter turn it around on me and give and make it my fault “because I am mean”. I explain to her that I am not being mean. She is in complete control of the situation and her actions determine the outcome. If she wants a different outcome then she needs to act differently in the situation. I empower her to do the right thing and not blame someone else (me).
Thank you ladies for your empowering words. The hardest job in the world is being a parent. The one writer who wrote: “You are not their friend you are their parent” is absolutely correct!!! I am not a parent but I am a teacher who looks after your children everyday. My philosophy has always been “I would rather have a classroom of well behaved, kind students then a classroom of straight A students”. I want my students to be good citizens. I want my students to stop bullying wherever they see it and speak up. I want my students to help others and feel that it is a punishment. I have been called a mean teacher for years by parents, students and colleagues. The time I invest in those students does pay off in the long run. Over 18 years of teaching, I have had students come and tell me how grateful they are I was their teacher. I am not trying to compare myself to your battles as a parent at all or even equate what you do everyday in your own homes. I just want to say “Thank you” as you are making a difference and your child is one of the best behaved on our classrooms. We all want what is best for your children and making them into amazing human beings is the best reward.
Husband just said all the kids (my son’s friends as well as my son) call me “mean mom.” Look, when you totally disrespect my house as a frat house, yea, I’m going to flip out yell. I have a 10 year old and his best friend over (who I deem as a second son). Since 8am, they’ve been on 4 hours of video games (don’t ask; I’m working from home). I have gummi bear wrappers everywhere, soda bottles that are open and filled on my leather couch, my son thought slamming the microwave door repeatedly hard “fixes” things, they’re standing on my outdoor lawn chair because the ground is hot yet a rug is right under their feet! The other day I came home from shopping and they grabbed the two boxes of grandola bars (not the cheapo kid ones either) and ate BOTH boxes in a 1/2 hour. If I’m not on them, they’re totally disrespectful slobs who do whatever the @@#$# they think they want in the house. So I bark and yell.
Husband? “your approach is totally wrong. They always say you’re mean.”
Mean is calling them “fucking assholes” like I want.
This would have been me. Simple, love means you have to say no sometimes, all of that. But then their dad left me for another woman. I became the sole disciplinarian. I stayed true to my parenting and raised them like a married mom. Then he convinced them that mean mom was evil mom, with the help of his wife who was just the worst influence possible over anyones kids, so far as love and respect for others goes. So they left me too. These blogs for normal moms make me reminiscent, yet aware that I was doing a great job. Saying yes to their every request is easy. They think we ENJOY saying no? Yeah, because the little human we love more than anything in the world will hate us for saying no. How tempting. We are not animals or psychos. We wish the answer was always yes. But we were tasked with protecting and nurturing little humans into adulthood and they have to get there safe. My job got ripped away for money. That is how much our courts value motherhood. I was robbed of so much.
Sending you so much love. That is truly heartbreaking and hard. Thank you for all the love you gave. I hope for healing in your story. ~Rachel