the roller coaster of motherhood

This is the rollercoaster of motherhood:

rollercoaster: I understand that you might look at other moms in the grocery store sometimes and you feel jealous because they have so much more food in their cart and your cart is like a wasteland of deals and you’re trying to figure out how to get everything you need.

rollercoaster: I understand that there are moments when you yell at your kids over not staying in bed and that it frustrates you because you though you’d never be a yeller and yet after the thirty-second time in the last thirty-two minutes they’ve gotten out of the bed where they were supposed to stay.

rollercoaster: I understand that sometimes you’d rather roll over, pull the covers over your head, and sleep until noon.

rollercoaster: I understand that you think that all the parenting books that you read before you became a parent have either been sold at a garage sale for a quarter, because that’s all you would get, or you’ve given them to others. And that the pages on how to deal with a newborn where really some of the only pages that you read. And that they didn’t work.

rollercoaster: I understand that you want to be a great mom.

rollercoaster: I understand those times that you want to be the mom that stops what she’s doing and looks in your children’s eyes and gets out the glitter and the glue and that you want to play like that but so many times all you can think about is how messy glitter is and that the vacuum doesn’t pick it up and that after cleaning up glitter you look like a teenager with glitter makeup because now it’s on your face.

rollercoaster: I understand that sometimes you look at what other moms are doing and you measure yourself against their awesomeness and you base your awesomeness on external things.

rollercoaster: I understand that there are some days where you rule the world of motherhood but you don’t want to share it to much because you don’t want to come across as bragging or having it all together so you dismiss your awesome days and just say oh well it just happened versus being super proud of who you are and what you accomplished.

rollercoaster: I understand that sometimes you have to do things that you never thought you’d have to do in motherhood. I get that maybe you thought you’d be the mom that stayed home all day and never worked and that it makes you wonder if you’re mom enough. I get that one really well because sometimes as I’m flying home for work I’ll wonder if I’m really a good mom. That one is hard.

rollercoaster: I understand that you wanted to do your kids room a certain way or buy them clothes that were cute or have them in soccer or ballet and that you can’t because you don’t have time or you can’t afford it and sometimes it crushes you because you think that your kids are missing out.

I understand the roller coaster.

You know why? Because that’s us all as moms.

Because so much of that is me.

rollercoaster: I understand because I always wanted to be this perfect awesome super fun mom and I have days and moments where I look at my motherhood journey and the voice in my head screams you are the worst. For real. I don’t like those days.

I also know this.

rollercoaster: I understand that you give and love and smile even when you’re tired. And that there are times when you push through – maybe even today – when you just wanted to throw in the towel. I know that there are those times when it’s easy to compare and you just love. I know that sometimes it feels like you just want to run away but then you turn around and do the dishes.

rollercoaster: I understand the constant pressure and the cries all day for you and that sometimes you look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person staring back.

I love that you give.

rollercoaster: I understand the feelings of failing and overwhelm and feeling alone.

rollercoaster: And I understand that deep deep motherhood tenacity and love and fight as well.

And so because of that I just wanted to tell you thanks.

Yes, thanks. Thanks for riding the roller coaster with me.

~Rachel