Softly, I closed the door to my room and slowly turned around, slid to the floor, and put my head in my hands. Tears, little tears that I had been avoiding all day long no longer could be tucked in my eyes, but instead began to pour down my cheeks in an unflattering puddle.
Mom. Mom. Mo-oooo-om.
Not now, Elijah.
I whispered the words through the door to that precocious five year old asking for the thirty-second time if he could have a snack. Not now. I needed to gather myself, to collect my thoughts, and yet I sat there in my room, in a room that the afternoon sun heats up incredibly, and I just wept.
Too much to do. Too much on my plate.
I am failing.
Those were the words that raced through my mind, the mind that wrote that Dear Sweet Mom Who Feels Like She is Failing letter way back years ago. And yet, here I was, sobbing telling myself that I was failing.
It is so easy, isn’t it? It’s so easy to grab that lie of failing and to simply attach it to having a bad day – or an overwhelming day – or simply a normal motherhood day. Instead of just recognizing that there was way too much on my plate I immediately slipped into the idea that I was failing.
What I should have realized is that I cannot do it all perfectly all the time.
Ah, perfectly, right? I’m writing to you as the perfectionist who tries not to be the perfectionist and yet is stuck still wanting everything perfect all the time. And, I’m writing to you as the person who doesn’t ever want to let people down – so I say yes, or go way above and beyond, and I push myself harder just to keep that perfectionist ideal going.
You cannot do it all. I cannot do it all. And sooner or later, if that is the mindset, then the inevitable late afternoon breakdown will happen.
Mom. Mom.
I just couldn’t deal with questions for snacks, what’s for dinner, and walking into a living room that I wish in my head would stay looking like the finished product on HGTV. But, I also knew that I couldn’t sit in that room crying – I needed to stand up – to love on Elijah even though he was pushing the limits, to smile at the living room with the throw pillows all over the floor that are supposed to stay on the couch, and to let some stuff go.
I can’t be perfect all the time. And sometimes, sometimes it means that I have to say no, to let people down, to choose my family first, and to ultimately choose me as well. For too long, I’ve forgotten that part, that part about me and my heart. Don’t do that moms.
Don’t lose you in the midst of the motherhood journey.
We cannot do it all.
We can do our best, we can try, we can fight, we can choose joy.
But, we cannot be perfect.
Trying is not failing.
Mom.
I’m coming sweet Elijah.
And I stood up, brushed my eyes off, and walked down those stairs, ready to start again.
You can do that too.
Just keep trying. Keep moving. Keep being real.
I believe in you.
~Rachel
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26 comments
Thank you for posting such a real mom post. I really needed this especially right now. I feel like I’m going to explode sometimes with all that I put on myself and I am such the perfectionist. I do everything myself because I know if someone else does it, it won’t be up to my standards. I have got to learn to live and let go not only for myself, my marriage but my three precious kids!
Ah, Sarah, as one perfectionist who tries so hard to not need everything perfect to you – thank you for being so real in your comment. Bless you today as you embrace today and the beautiful moments that you are blessed to have.
Rachel
As a single mother of 5 I can not do it all ! But I always beat myself up over the way my house looks. For so long my identity was in my house as the home maker. But now that I have to work also, I can’t keep up with the house and home school and work. So the house seems to be always a mess! I am trying to remember what is most important is my relationship with my kids and with Jesus!
Thank you for sharing these very real and true words. I have been struggling with doing too much, or too much of the things that are not where my focus should be. Hitting the “reset” button is hard, and we don’t like to let people down, but we have to let go of some things. There is a lot of freedom in that, I needed this today, God Bless You 🙂
xoxo, Tanya
Thank you. From the deepest part of my struggles with being a single mom trying to make everything perfect… thank you for this post.
I just tweeted that the reset button isn’t working and where is the easy button? Lack of sleep for three days coupled with a clingy and whiny 2yr old(probably cause he just wants and needs mama) endlessly working on my new shop, and I am ready to lose it. Thanks for the reminder that its ok to say no, ok to slow down….I’ve let go of perfect because my life is not even close!
Today we will relax and go with the flow.
thank you…just found your blog and am grateful…many tears like yours have been shed in my home…thanks for letting me feel that I am not alone…:)
I just came across your blog and I LOVE it. Every single post has such good reminders and relatable thoughts. Thanks!
This had me teary eyed. I have been struggling so much lately. i have 4 boys under the age of 4 and I do it all alone. I am so overwhelmed and frustrated. I do keep getting up each morning and starting again though. Thanks-Sarah
Thank you so much for this post today. I can hardly write this comment because the tears are just welling in my eyes. I had a very difficult morning today with my two year old. I lost my patience too many times in a very short amount of time and for reasons that had nothing to do with my sweet child. In this season of what is supposed to be filled with joy and excitement all I feel is overwhelming loads of stress on my shoulders. Thank you for writing this post and reminding me that all I need to do is my best. I don’t have to live up to the perfect image I create in my mind. I need to let go and live. I’ve been praying all morning for gentle reminders, peace in my heart and patience – Got answered my prayers today by leading me to this post. Thank you so much Rachel, you have once again spoken directly to my heart without even knowing it. Now I’m going to brush off my bad mood and negative self-talk and start over and have a better afternoon.
oh how i loved this post. Thanks
As so many have already said – thank you for being so real and vulnerable. This fall has been a particularly trying one- one full of fighting feelings of failure, perfectionism, and idealistic thinking. I have shut myself behind a door to cry quite often. I come out having chosen joy, but not necessarily feeling joyful.
Once again, your timing is well, without trying to be perfect, but perfect. Your words are honest and I love how you share these ups and downs that we all go through on a daily basis. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
This was great. Thank you!
I hate when you get so overwhelmed that you cry! Saying extra prayers!
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
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Oh, the many moments I’ve locked myself in the bathroom while silently crying that I just can’t do it anymore. God’s been teaching me that responsibilities beyond my family are “extras” and the house? Well it’s ok if it’s not perfectly clean. I can create a much more hospitable, welcoming environment for my family and others when I’m not worried about every dust bunny. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your lovely heart.
Love. Thank you.
This is just what I needed. I cannot thank you enough for sharing your heart here, for all of us in this journey right along with you. So many times I feel like I AM failing. Thank you for showing me I am NOT. Bless you! 🙂
and WE believe in YOU!
“the perfectionist who tries not to be the perfectionist and yet is stuck still wanting everything perfect all the time”
That’s exactly me. I’m not a mom, but thank you for writing this, it was good for me to read.
Thank you for this great post so many of us mothers can relate to. I’m a new follower. Liane tweeted us both this morning, which led me here. So happy to have found your blog!
Thank you for sharing this… I am too feeling overwhelmed by all the mess in our house sometimes. Learning to be a better mom is tiring.
Guess you couldn’t post between flights, huh? ;o)
Am here praying for your family!
John 16:33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
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