Tonight I cried outside on a deck 914 miles from my house.
I cried because I missed my kids open house for first and third grade. I missed it because I was working. So as I stood there in much too hot and too muggy weather for my Minnesota comfort I just let the tears fall. I was tired. I was worn just a bit. And my perspective had lost a bit of truth.
I felt like I wasn’t a good mom.
I felt like I let them down.
I wondered if they thought about me and why I wasn’t there.
I forgot.
I forgot the two hours going in circles in Target meticulously checking off items from three school lists. I forgot how I searched for the elusive purple folder that my fifth grader needed for Language Arts. (Seriously. Purple. And, small rant, I think that perhaps Target should overstock in folders WITHOUT the interior prongs. Because. Get this. Every. Single Class List said “no prongs”.)
I digress.
But you see I forgot every single thing that I do for my kids. They may not see it. They may not know how I stay up until 2:30 every day working for them and then get up at 6:30 and start the day with another cup of coffee as the hidden energy that I can’t seem to muster much. They don’t see me folding clothes, counting socks, counting pennies, stirring pots of noodles, and hoping that I catch up. They don’t see me on the plane with tears in my eyes as I fly from them for work. They don’t see me in the morning before I speak mustering my courage, fixing my hair, and walking in confident even when I have those little moments of doubts. They don’t know that most days I feel like I’m sprinting a marathon. They don’t.
They’re kids.
Kids don’t see all that we do sometimes. We’re hard on ourselves. We dismiss what we do.
We lose sight of our awesomeness.
I know.
I did tonight. I forgot.
Listen.
You right now have done life changing things even though it might just feel like minuscule normal things. And sometimes, sometimes life feels like this constant pressure to swim upstream with no sleep, with little ones hanging on, and a to-do list threatening to sink you. And it can be lonely. Hard. Sad. Overwhelming.
But but but…this is the but. I realized as I gathered my courage and walked inside tonight with my kids 914 miles from me that I love them something fierce. I love them with every single ounce of me that is possible. I want the best for them. I want them to live life well.
And to know that their mother loves them.
Because I love them fiercely.
Sometimes love doesn’t look like sitting at the table coloring. Sometimes love doesn’t look like bubble blowing in the backyard. Sometimes love looks messy. Like fighting hard. Like not getting sleep. Like doing the hard things. Like crying and then finding courage in the depths of self.
Love can simply be giving of you.
Love can be not having the extra bit of food because you know your kids are hungry and need it. Love can be walking into school and fighting for the best for your child. Love can be sitting in a rocking chair with a crying baby at 3:49 am and needing sleep but rocking rocking rocking. Love can be feeling the ground leave you as a plane takes off with you inside. Love can be chopping peppers and onions and stirring rice. Love can be searching for missing shoes.
Love cannot be ranked.
Qualified. Defined.
Measured. Compared.
So if you’re feeling like you’re not making a difference in the lives of your family I invite you to stop right now and to really start to look at you and what you do. I want you to breathe and see the big life picture that often looks crazy.
You mother.
Mothering isn’t a little thing. And there isn’t one golden perfect right way to mother.
You give. You love.
You don’t have to be perfect nor have the perfect life. You just have to be you. You just have to know that your trying, loving, giving, nose wiping, car cleaning, car driving, and every single thing that you do as a mom makes a difference.
So we’re not going to stay here wondering about our difference.
We change lives.
Lives.
Did you hear that? Lives, my friends. Moment after moment. In good times. Bad times. And in those moments when you have no clue what you’re doing. In the times when you think your preschooler will be the only one who won’t be able to write their name. In the moments when the college student waves good bye. In the times when the middle schooler won’t talk to you because you took away electronics.
We all need to remember a couple things. Well, these five things.
1. Life is not, and never will be, perfect. Imperfection is often perfect.
2. There is no hierarchy determining what makes life and motherhood good and worthy.
3. We all have voices. We all make differences. Motherhood matters.
4. Having a moment of doubt doesn’t mean you don’t measure up.
5. Finding joy oftentimes means giving yourself grace, stepping back, and being grateful.
So friends.
Don’t doubt your worth. Your value. Or wonder if you’re making a difference.
I’m the one telling you tonight that beyond a shadow of a doubt you are enough. I forgot those five little truths about me and motherhood and the life journey. So because I forgot I decided to write. And in writing I remembered. And because I remembered I hope you, too, remember.
From me, an imperfect mom living a life filled with beauty even in the doubts, to you.
~Rachel
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19 comments
You are amazing! Opening your heart wide open all the time to help others. Wish I could give you a hug! Your life has turned upside down and you’re doing all you can to get your family through this. Thankful that you have a job you love but heartbreaking that it takes you away from your kids.
Thank you… It seems everytime I need some inspiration to get through another day your words are there.. And I feel less alone thank you
Feeling grateful for your honest true words!!
THIS.
What a rotten weekend and morning, and this was just what I needed. Thank you.
Thank you for this.
My oldest turned 5 yesterday which is amazing and hard to believe. As I do on their birthdays, I reflected on the day she was born and all the days after. I stay at home (now) and am grateful and blessed to do so, yet I feel like my “value” in this world sinks as the days and weeks and years pass that I don’t “work.” I also often beat myself up over not spending every waking second of the day reading, playing, coloring, teaching … When would the food get made (how would it get in the kitchen, for that matter?!)., when would the house get cleaned or the poor dogs be let out? You reminded me that all I the things I do (cooking cleaning laundry shopping) I do because I love them. Thank you. Your words touched my soul and I will print this out as a reminder because I know myself enough to know that in a few days or weeks I will forget them!
This was so raw and beautiful. We need more of this. Thank you <3
I’m leaving on a plane too today. I have four kids under 10, school starts next week. What was I thinking! I still need to buy notecards, gym shoes,and get them on a good sleep schedule. Today I did play with my four year old as I packed… I was the queen and she was my princess… That was important to her… Thanks for reminding me a out what matters Rachel.
Beautifully expressed and such great reminders that are so often overlooked when I am tired & frustrated. ♡
I understand the heart behind these words, but I must disagree a bit. I think love looks exactly like sitting at a table coloring with your child and blowing bubbles in the backyard. I agree that there are 1000 things we have to do as mothers every day, but the things your child is going to remember are the things you do with him, not the “behind the scenes” things. Trust me, the years go by so fast, and the thing that really matters is the time you spend with your child.
Oh Holly — I completely agree. I think that is love. But sometimes we dismiss that the other hard things that we must do also looks like love. The only reason I gave those beautiful examples of love was just as an example – not dismissing them – but then also reminding us as moms that often times love looks like the hard behind the scenes things that so many of us have to do.
With sweet joy.
Rachel
Right on sista-friend, right on!
Nell
Oh it’s those ‘when you’re too tired’ days that can quickly bring you down as a parent. It is hard when you love them so much. I’ve learned something over the years about this though — it can always be flipped.
I remember crying at a hotel when I missed Halloween with my 5 year old because of a business trip. Seriously, who the heck schedules a major conference over Halloween? But I had to go and he had a lovely time with Dad. The best part was his excitement to tell me all about it — he really didn’t notice my absence, it was just a different type of presence to him.
I love your 5 ‘remember this’ and would add a 6th: “Even when you are physically present, you are still present in their lives” — it happens in all the things they remember about mom while she’s gone. It happens when they are able to share special things with you once you’re together again. It makes them stronger to know they can do things without mom right by their side. And as a mom, it feels good to know you are thought of and remembered even when you are not right by their side. That’s the fierce love on their part — showing you how you have had a wonderful impact on their lives.
I couldn’t love this more if I tried. Thank you! ❤
very good
“1. Life is not, and never will be, perfect. Imperfection is often perfect.”
I have to remind myself of this often. As a perfectionist, I am often struggling between what I think I need, and what I actually need in life.
Beautifully written post 🙂
very nice post !
Like :X
It was very good, thank you from trouble. I hope to always remain on your site
very good thanke you
I read this as a 70-something mother and grandmother. My husband I loved our 2 daughters fiercely. I am the mother you described – far from perfect but we had such a happy home. Now our 40 year old daughters tells us she no longer wants us in her life. We lost our grandchildren also. This is epidemic in this country. Adult children are throwing their parents out because of all the psychobabble out there. IF we’re not perfect and tell them exactly what they want to hear – you’re gone!! Someone tell me how to grieve a living daughter and grandchildren? No one teaches us this. It is the most cruel act a human could perpetuate on another. And, they profess to be Christians. My husband and I are shattered. There are thousands of parents enduring this hell – God help us all! Pray for us please.