Don’t quit.
I know it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and that it really doesn’t matter if the dishes are done or that no one really cares that you stayed up till 2 am folding laundry or that you are just overlooked. I know you sit in the car and put your head on the steering wheel and the tears roll down at times. I know that sometimes you just want to throw in the towel and whisper (or scream) that you’ve had enough of all of this.
I know. I know because I have felt that way.
I remember sitting in the bathroom behind the door with my head in my hands thinking that I couldn’t do this motherhood thing anymore and that I really didn’t matter or make a difference and that I would never ever catch up on laundry – which, by the way, I’ve never really caught up on. And because I’ve felt that way I’m writing today to tell you that you, right now, matter more than you might ever realize.
You, and your life, your voice, your giving of self, and all of that matters.
There will be days that are hard. Weeks that are hard. Months that are hard.
But, you can do this. I know you can.
You can pick yourself up, brush off the words that hold you back, and you can be mom today. You can look in your children’s eyes and tell them how much you love them – even though you are remembering how much they sassed back to you this morning – and you can love them unconditionally. You can make those pbjs for lunch today and sliced apples and can actually get the straw in the juice pouch on the first time. Or the second. You can drive those kids to soccer or ballet or to school or to where ever and you will tell yourself that you sitting in the car with them matters.
Quitting means stopping. And you don’t stop.
A wise friend of mine told me this weekend that we only fail when we quit.
Motherhood doesn’t look anything like I imagined when I was young. Motherhood doesn’t look like those pinterest boards full of birthday ideas with perfect fondant cakes and party favors that take three hours to make. Those moments are there. But seriously, listen to me, those things don’t make a mother. Those things, while they are beautiful, they don’t really matter in the life journey. Do you know what matters? You. Right now, reading these words, who is about to give of herself for her family.
Do you realize what an amazing impact you are leaving?
Don’t tell me about all the times you’ve messed up. I’ve got them as well. But do you remember all the times where you have done well? Or the times when you’ve been there? Sitting up at one am rocking a toddler with a bad dream. Making dinner out of a pantry that is bare. Giving up on something you need so that your child can get what they need. Helping with math. Reading a story. Folding those clothes. Making lunches. Teaching. Listening to their stories. Being silly. Laughing. Holding the puke bucket. Wiping faces. Putting art on the wall. Watching them sleep.
Those are the moments in life that you are blessed to live.
So you may feel like you want to quit. Don’t. Pick up the motherhood towel right now and instead tell yourself you can do this today. You can. You can for your family. Don’t look at how everyone else is mothering, or what the facebook status states, or the pinterest picture of the perfect mother. You are the perfect mother for your children today. Do not let the world qualify your motherhood. There is no price tag large enough that would ever illustrate the true value of motherhood. You are an amazing gift to your family.
I believe in you.
What are you waiting for? You can do this, sweet mother.
You totally can.
~Rachel
*****
Read Thank you Brave Mom.
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273 comments
When I woke up after a short night with a teething toddler who just wanted to nurse all.night.long…I definitely wanted to quit. Resentment sets in for my husband who doesn’t seem to notice what I’m doing. I could barely read this thrugh my tears. Thanks for this.
I feel your pain. My husband is so blind to the things I do/ have done. Alas, we truck on. Glad I’m not alone 😉
Make sure you talk to them, if you haven’t. Us guys are sometimes painfully obtuse to things that others think we should find obvious. Also, as a stay at home Dad, I’m rooting for you too and know just how incredibly hard it can be.
Fist-bump of unity for all primary care givers, it’s a hell of a hard job and it takes a LONG time to see the rewards for your efforts.
Unfortunately sometimes we do that “hell of a hard job” and our children break our hearts anyway, over and over again.
You are darn right Julie. I’m on the darker side of the spectrum. I understand.
Agreed
Julie, I’m right there with you.
I to feel obliss to my husband and kids. I love them all so muchly but at the same time feel used up and hopeless wondering constantly where I went wrong or in all what’s wrong with me that no one will even make or do even the smallest thing for me. I don’t ask because I feel even worse to have to ask. I think that if I truly was of some sort of worth that someone might do something sweet even the smallest thing would mean the world to me. It would touch my heart forever. In all I feel so lonely that most days I think I must have something wrong with me . I’d love more than anything to be noticed or on the top of someone’s mind or even have touched there heart enough to make a difference.
Dear Tanya,
your pain spoke to me. I feel it too. I have been married for 21 years, children 15 and 19 and I still feel unappreciated and overlooked. But, my children are healthy and happy and strong. I do see their appreciation a little more as they mature and age. By this time, my children appreciate me more and my husband less. I wonder how he will feel when I am so used up and torn down and will not be there to wipe his 75 year old ass when he is no longer able to do it himself…?
I have no answers or even suggestions. But you are not alone in feeling this way. I feel this way all too often. I don’t know why it is this way. But you are important and what you are doing is important and you are not alone. 💕
Tanya.
I am with you, I feel your pain so much, I am ready to quit because I feel like I am not being appreciated, my teenager hates me. My husband rather spend time playing games than talk to me. I feel like I am not a good wife and parents that I can’t make my family happy in everything I do. i try so hard just to make them happy but it’s never been enough, I feel so use up and everyday I’m dying to think, what did I do wrong, what do I need to do.
Tanya and Dina,
You have described exactly what I have been feeling, but too scared to even say them out loud…it is only a conversation that I have alone in my head. I am sad to say that I plan out how to leave this heartache, but guilt resides that everyone else will suffer so best that it just be me. I feel so unloved, unappreciated, and even unworthy. I don’t know how to find myself again or how to get out of this deep, dark hole.
Thank You,
After reading this…. All that I was feeling seemed to be lifted of my chest. I was ready to give up my life. I felt I had no purpose & worst of all I was feeling hopelessness. But I just need to stay strong. If I have to re read this every time to remind myself. I will…
Thank you again
God bless
Wow I feel just like Mrs. Hearn and give up on everything. I am exhausted of always getting judged and criticized by my children and them never taking responsibility no matter how many times they do wrong. I too am so tired and feel hopeless and question why to stay alive.
Wow Mariana!! I am so sorry to hear that your family makes you feel so terrible, that you wouldn’t want to be alive!!!! How terrible that they would be so awful to the very oerso. That gave them life. The person who sacrifices her life/time/energy/sleep/sanity, for theirs. Don’t give up, Mama! You may be at rock bottom right now, but, someday, when they are all grown and mature parents themselves; it will all be worth it. They will apologize and finally realize everything that you have done for them! Never question if you should “stay alive”! YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU ARE HERE FOR A REASON. There is not another human alive that could be your childrens Mother. YOU were put here for that job. Keep on keepin on….day by day…hour by hour. You’re doing great, I am sure. I know I don’t know you, but, I can tell you; your kids love and admire you. No matter how bad they treat you, they wouldn’t want to know you’re hurting this way. Stay strong, and find a friend near by to talk to and, get out and take a break for just you! ☺ you’ve got this!!!
Please, please realize that you are here for many good reasons. You are meant to be the mother of your children no matter how much they fail to appreciate all that you do for them. I had a very dear friend who apparently felt this way and chose not to reach out for help. She chose instead to end her life and it has affected hundreds of people beginning with her children and husband and then reaching down to her friends and their families. It stretches to her children’s teachers and their families and beyond. It is a sadness that has no real end.
You are full of worth. You are not alone. You are loved and one day your children will see all that you have done for them and they will thank you. You have to believe this.
Its crazy now…but one day when they are grown and you will look back with lots of good memories and maybe even miss the craziness.
I hope so. Mine are all in their 20s, negatively influenced by the world, and there is very little joy. The ones I gave the most to are the ones who hurt me the deepest, over and over and over again. What went wrong? I’m so tired of the disappointment.
Julie, I feel it too. Like you’ve been busting your butt all these years, self sacrificing, just to have them grow up and not appreciate you. My children actually say I complain too much. Who works all day, to come home to grown children who don’t appreciate anything? I feel stupid for being the rock. I feel like this life isn’t for me. I love my children. But they expect too much.
Agree with Julie. They grow up and even though you have done so much they don’t care. Its all about what they want.
Omg…sniff! Thank God for you Rachel, the Writer!
Omg I really thought I was alone here I couldn’t even read this past all the tears that just came flowing out !! Emotion overwhelme and my first baby 3 months old who fights to sleep and making the awful mistake of letting him sleep on my arms all the time now that’s all he wants to do definitely makes me want to throw in the towel this helped a lot to Read
You’ve got this. Those early days are so hard, so challenging. It all really matters. ~Rachel
Rachel, you write so beautifully and honestly. Thank you for your support. My kids and I are sick again after having just been pretty sick only a little over a week ago. Some days are harder to remember what my purpose is, and what is most important. Thank you 🙂
Dear…get them on a three week cycle of echinacea drops so their own body will increase its immunity. Also increase vitamin c and zinc and vitamin D. Most of us are low and it causes immune deficiency. …hope they get better and u can rest.
Today is hard. This month has been hard. I am glad that I have not thrown in the towel yet because I need it to wipe the mascara that smears on my face from frustrated tears. I really appreciate this post today, Rachel. Thank you. Clutching the terrycloth for one more day.
After being up most of the night because of pain(just had surgury on my neck)and then still having to get up to get my little’s off to school and looking at all the stuff that hasn’t been getting done because of my health, I wanted to lay on the floor and sob after they left for school and just quit. So I decided to sit down with a cup of coffee and read some things that might encourage me to keep going. This did it. Thank you SO much. Saying a prayer for you ladies that posted comments ahead of me and sending out hugs and positive light to each of the weary moms that will read this.
Thank you.
I so needed to read this today……..thank you!
Thank you all. I really believe that we, as mothers, are better when we are authentic and real. And sometimes that means talking about those hard days when we just don’t have the energy to keep going and yet we still do. To you, Sabrina, Jessica, and Sara – I pray for strength and hope today. I’m grateful that these words spoke to your heart. And Lori, I’m hoping for the same as well as that as the day goes on that the pain subsides. You all matter.
Moms rock.
Rachel
YES! YES! and YES! Thanks for encouraging moms to stay the course! SO MANY out there need this encouragement! Big Hugs!
I thank God for you, and the blessing of your insights and encouragement.
Thank you so much, Rachel. The tears are rolling because I’ve been feeling exactly that way this week. I have a 3 year old who thinks I don’t know anything and a teething 18 month old. My husband is in the final stretch of grad school, preparing to write his dissertation and defend it in June, when we will pack up and move to start a new job. Suffice it to say I feel invisible. Everything I do is for my husband and kids, but it seems they don’t notice or value what I do. I feel frustrated with myself for needing recognition, but sometimes I just do! When I am putting my whole soul into my family and it seems unappreciated, I just need to know that I’m doing some good. I will keep your words, “You can do this, sweet mother”, in my mind today. Thank you so much.
I think I could have written your response exactly…except insert medical school for graduate school. Close enough. I have been feeling the same way. I finally had to tell my husband “I need you to notice me and what I am doing. I need some appreciation and the kids aren’t going to do that.” It has helped. Not perfect but better. Just wanted to say you are not alone in needing to be appreciated!
Beautiful, just Beautiful, thank you.
I happened to click on this link on my pinterest board, right after having a moment of tears and overwhelming stress thinking how is our family going to pull through this week, and how tired and worn out I am. Then God led me to this beautiful written letter of encouragement to all moms. Thank you! This is exactly what I need to pull me through the day.
Rachel, your words touched me today. I do have those days. I have those weeks. I have those months. They can be hard. Tears often want to fall, but don’t. Sometimes I feel as though I have no more tears.
Thanks to you for the reminders in your Dear Mom letters.
Rachel E.
Rachel, thanks so much! I happened on your blog by accident, just from reading the name “finding joy” and I thought, That’s what I need! I need to find some joy! And I’ve been a reader ever since. I laughed when I saw the title of your post this morning and felt like you wrote this just for me- you have a little window somewhere and saw my morning and knew I needed a pep talk. From the heart, thanks sooo much! We moms need to be more honest with each other, it’s my mission to encourage this!
This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for posting this. Even as I respond to this post I am holding back tears (Im at work) because Im a single mom of two little girls and have been feeling this way for about a week or so now. Thank you again for sharing. Im going to print this and keep in where I can see it each day! xoxo
I thought I was the only one who felt like this! i have felt so unappreciated!! So in noticed as if my life stopped when I had kids! All this week I have felt like running away!! Like my life is pointless like what’s the point!! I thought I was going crazy and so I googled this up to see if others felt like me- I haven’t told anyone how I felt and when I read this my tears just kept rolling down my face! Thank u for being so honest I needed this!
Thank you for your beautiful words of encouragement. Just the other day I was about to throw my hands up in defeat but knowing I couldn’t, I’ve carried on..but with a heavy heart. Giving it to God and trudging on because each day is a gift!
Your words in these letters to Moms always seem to fill my heart and give me a push to keep going, to keep loving and to keep sacrificing. Thank you. Thank you so, so much.
My kids are grown, my baby is a freshman in college. And I think these days are even harder than the toddler years. Now I am watching them make their own choices, right or wrong. Even though my kids aren’t little, I still find myself sitting on the bathroom floor with my head in my hands thinking somehow, we will get through this…and even though they’re grown, I’m still not caught up on laundry, but it’s on my to do list for today!
Thank you, Michele. I thought it was going to be so much easier when they grew up. Not so. Less to do physically, so much more to do emotionally. Nice to know I’m not the only one sobbing in the shower.
I really really needed to read this right now. My husband is working out of town for 5 weeks and at this time, he’s only been gone a few days and I’m already feeling like I’m drowning.
Rose,
We’re into week 3 of 8, and I know how hard it can be, but you can do it! Just take it one day at a time, and if it helps, cross the days off on a calendar. That’s what me and the kids do, and believe me, on the hard days, it is such a relief to know one more is done until my husband gets home.
My dear sister in the Lord, you so nailed it today with this post. I have felt like quitting so many times and yet I know God is gracing me and empowering me to keep going to never stop. Thank you for sharing these encouraging words to me and so many other moms who need this.
Thank you for writing these words. And thank you to the others who’ve commented. Now I know I am not alone in my feeling this way. This morning was the worst morning yet- haven’t seen my husband in days (he works 120 hours a week and nights) and my 3 year old just never wants to listen the first time, and my 18 month old just always needs something (of course). My house is a disaster and it goes on the market in 2 weeks so we can move across the country. I keep getting called into work for extra projects and just want to scream. So needless to say the stress is overwhelming at times, like this morning. I wonder how we will make it- how I can keep on keeping on. And then I read your post and the other mommas feeling the same way and I am blessed. Thank you!
Wow! That is powerful. I have been masking so much lately and this helped me bring it to the surface and deal with it. My fiance recently got laid off from his job and it is so hard sometime to stay strong for him and our 7 month old son. I work M-f 8 hour days and come home on lunch to visit with them and give him some time to himself, now that we can’t afford daycare he is home by himself with our son. He is a great father but was definately not meant to be a home-maker. Sometimes I go on feeling like I work an 8 hour day, come home get as much of the house cleaned as I can make supper, get little one dressed, fed in bed and then love my fiance if I have the energy. And then there are times he praises me for what an amazing person I am but then the next night will say how I should organize this better or I should’ve rinsed the dishes first because heaven forbid all he has to do that day is feed the baby and do the dishes but they are not pre rinsed for him. I know that he appreciates everything I do and he tells me. I’m sure it’s stressful and hard on him right now to feel like he is not providing for us so I cut him quite a bit of slack. Reading this just made me re-affirm that I AM amazing, and I am doing everything right, even when it seems like I’m always in the negative with everything AND our bank account. Thank you!
WOW, tears. Waking up after 4 hours sleep to see this on Faceboook was just what I needed. Overlooked is exactly how I feel every. single. day. It’s so reassuring to know other mamas are feeling it tool, it’s so easy to look at other Mama’s and think they feel wonderful all the time.
I cant even express my thanks to you. .. I have your blogs printed and I read them often. I needed this today and all of your other inspiring words. I went from a busting my butt working wife to a stay at home mom. Sometimes I think about going back but I know how important raising my son is. I dont want to miss those important moments in his life…thank you for reminding us that we are not alone
I’m a stay at home dad now..4months ago I went from sole provider to Mr mom…I was medically retired out army and it has been a complete 180 in terms of lifestyle change, that’s not even including going from military lifestyle to civilian lifestyle again…I take care of my beautiful 3 year old daughter Bailey, who I happened to miss being there for her birth and whole first year of her life…she has craniostenosis and had surgery at 6months old (which I was able to return in country for)..she is so smart and amazing. ..always smiling no matter what…my wife haf stopped working when I enlisted and had been Bailey’s comfort. ..attached at her hip…when I was discharged my wife returned back to work as a teachers asst. ..Bailey took it very rough the first few weeks. ..there was nothing daddy (I)could do to replace mommy and it was hard, still is, I attend college online so that is challenging with her full of energy always wanting to play. ..I’ve recently had moments of breaking down mentally and have grown to understand that being a mom is a 24hour job that is by far the hardest job//duty existing on this planet. ..I’ve grown a greater appreciation and better understanding for how my wife has felt in past where I’ve kinda shrugged my shoulders like she was complaining about nothing and whining for no reason..I’ve learned I’m never gonna be as good as mommy but that doesn’t mean I’m not just as important in her development and I have promised myself that I would not be the reason she doesn’t grow and develop like she would with my wife and that no matter how frustrated I get that I would never use that as an excuse to collapse and throw in the towel, which has been quite a normal feeling during the days :)…great article and absolutely well-timed
So needed to read these words. Thank you <3
Thanks
I considered turning in my letter of resignation for this motherhood thing earlier this week. I had second thoughts of course and am seeking joy in small moments with my kids. Thanks for the encouragement I find here. It matters.
After a long year when two of the children I had legal guardianship of moved out to go live with their dad, one peacefully and the other not so much, I wanted to quit so badly but I have four more children by birth. There is no quitting and even on the days when things don’t go well, you must go on and it really does get better and you do learn to look for the positive times because they do far outweigh the difficult days. Before you know it, they are grown up and gone taking a piece of your heart with them wherever they go. Thank you for writing your words of encouragement.
Today was a day that I wanted to give up, give in, close my eyes. I talked to a friend who helped me immensly and now as skim through my face book and see this. It is comforting to know that Im not alone. Thanks for that. Being a mom of 3 boys should be a joyous thing, and some days it is. But days like today when I feel like I would make a better guardian angel then a mom….are…hard.
I know that I don’t know you but what you’re saying scares me. Your kids have guardian angels, what they need is you. Don’t buy into the thought that there is something wrong with you and that they would be better off without you because they won’t. If you need help please, please ask for it because there are things you can’t take back once they are done. Everyone has those times when they look around and feel like they don’t measure up. Your kids aren’t, they are looking at you and thinking you’re wonderful even on those days when nothing goes right. Thinking of you!
I don’t know you either but while others have posted replies to say how they can relate to the sentiment of wanting to give up (thoughts/feelings every parent has had), your reference to becoming a guardian angel are more serious. It could just be an expression or it could be more–in case it’s the latter, I felt compelled to respond. If these feelings persist for several days/weeks, please talk to a doctor. Do you still feel sad/anxious/short-tempered even when your mind knows you “shouldn’t”? Do you feel like there’s a weight on your chest? Are you sleeping too much, too little? I did/was and finally talked to my doctor about it. For me, the answer was an anti-depressant. (It may not be your answer). Yes, the kids still bug me and I often feel irritated, sad, overwhelmed, but the difference is that I don’t doubt I can cope with it and the feelings don’t last. I hope I haven’t overstepped–I likely have. But, I didn’t want to make the mistake of not saying something. Take care!
I just read these comments after sobbing through the post. Most of you wrote almost a year ago and here I sit feeling in the same boat. It’s 5am and I have been up for hours. Just another night of insomnia. We have a very unique situation where each of us was widowed with young children. When we met and married we blended four kids who are still very much in the us vs them mode. Currently my dearest is overseas and I am trying desperately to make it. I can so totally relate to the comment about being a guardian angel instead of a make-it-through-the-day-mom. For those of you who responded to the earlier post please know that since my kids already have one parent in heaven i am NOT going to off myself no matter how bleak it seems at times. But i can say that the thought is there of just how nice it would be to escape from the day to day failings as a stepmom to two who do not want me around and two who desperately love me but are not happy with a new man as their stepdad. Oh and btw, I have a special child on the autism spectrum to make the day so much more interesting! Seizure disorder, dietary restrictions, tantrums, meds, meds, meds… Wish I could take a vacation one of these days from parenting. Sigh. But I will take comfort knowing there are those of you out there who are also struggling to make it just one more day, one more hour, at times one more minute. I will think of you and offer a hand to one who is feeling lower than I am as I reach up to take the hand of one of you who has gotten a bit stronger than I am now. We are all in this together (OMgoodness – did I just quote Red Green???)
Oh my God, thank you.
All of these sweet and meaningful comments have left me sitting on my couch with eyes brimming with tears. The community that we share is amazing – and we are not alone. Though our stories are different and we each walk our own journey – we so often need to be reminded that our giving of self, our journey, our lives truly do matter.
To all of you, thank you. Thank you for sharing glimpses of your life with me. I am profoundly grateful.
Thank you for each kind word, thought, and encouragement as well.
Rachel
Once again you really nailed it for so many. Don’t usually look at the comments but my eye caught on the Mr. Mom post. Oh what a change in his life! Going from military to Mr. Mom! Huge adjustment!
Always here praying!
Psalms 121:5-8 The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.
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I just love this
I am currently at the tail end of a one year Korea tour, which left me husbandless with a 3 1/2 year old that was just diagnosed autistic, & a teething 6 month old. My oldest is sick & here I was a 5am feeling terrible. Reading this was just what I needed!! Thank you for encouraging us as moms.
It gets better. My son was diagnosed with Autism at 3 1/2. I remember thinking it would never get better but it does. He’s taught me so much- I didn’t know it yet but I needed him just as much as he needs me. It’s hard and it can be hard for a long time but it gets better. Find a support group for parents with children diagnosed with autism. Most people who don’t live with it might be well meaning but they don’t really get it. It really does get better. Celebrate the small things and try not to worry about the future because the future happens anyways whether you worry or not.
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You need to go into social work. You know the right words to say to help a troubled soul.
awesome! well said…WE can do it! Being a mother is hard sometimes….we all have bad days, or weeks or months…but there are moments of bliss even in the hard times! Love yourself Mom! …. because you are LOVED
Thanks Rachel. Just what I needed today. In a world of constant comparisons, this is right on.
Alyce
What an amazing post. I’ve been struggling for a while now. Working hard to find foods that are going to help my kids get better and spending ages making them, only to have them all turn their noses up at the food, dealing with sickness and nightmares and tantrums and exhaustion . . . sometimes I really do want to just go live on a deserted island. Thank you for the encouraging words.
Thanks Rachel. Just what I needed today. In a world of constant comparisons, this is right on.
Alyce
Since my status recently said “Excuse me, do you know where I go to resign?” I can only assume you are talking to me. Thank you. I love my kids and my life but some days are just really, really hard.
Thank you. I needed this today. I’ll probably need it tomorrow and most days next week. Thank you.
So nice to know others are in the same boat, even if it does sometimes feel more like a sinking ship. 🙂
For This, I Thank You.
Exactly what I needed to read. Since my 5 year-old daughter has developed extreme separation anxiety 3 weeks ago, I have felt completely smothered by her. Yesterday was the straw that almost broke the camel’s back but I pushed through. I wish I had this to read after dropping her off at school and leaving her crying for me. All I could think about is “I need space you, child!” Thank you for making me understand that I am not the only one who has thoughts of giving up. I love my daughter unconditionally and I can’t imagine how empty my life would be without her.
Thank you for sharing/writing this
thank you for writing this. for being so real. i really felt God smile on me while reading your words. I have a new sense of joy today and motivation. Things are extremely hard right now in my life and i know my two toddlers need me. I can do this!
I needed this. Thank you so much.
I SOOOO needed this today. I was just blogging about my horrible week/month and someone sent me this link. Thank you so much for your words…. I just wish that I could say it as eloquently as you! But thank you for doing so!
http://www.erintheirishmama.com/2013/02/controlling-chaos.html
I really have struggled since my second child was both about being a great mom. Thanks for reminding me that I’m the perfect mom for my two little miracle babies.
I really have struggled since my second child was both about being a great mom. Thanks for reminding me that I’m the perfect mom for my two little miracle babies.
definitely needed this. thank you.
You mean I’m really not alone? I’ve felt it so many times. And the comment about facebook…so dead on. Everyone always seems so happy and perfect and super mom and super in love wife all the time, every day. Do they not once feel what I’ve felt? But now I see sometimes people do…maybe they just don’t share it. My husband lost his job. I have medical problems and was supposed to have surgery but we lost the insurance along with the job and now can’t afford it. I was on medical leave but they denied my pay….which I found out just 2 days after he lost his job. My kids are so sassy so often now that it just makes me wanna scream or cry or both….and often it’s both. I love them and love my husband but some days I just want to give up and run far, far away. But I keep hanging onto that towel because tomorrow will be better. Tonight my car broke down, it’s one of those nights with my kiddos, and I so needed this! Thank you!
Thank you for this – I will read it often, I’m sure. It really lifted my spirits and God Bless You.
Omg I so needed this.. I have had a real hard time.. lately. . Mother of 5 grandma of 1. Kids age is 21-5 my kife is so crazy N hectic preschool. School events.. basketball practice Dance.. Soccer.. church… an I day care kids… like I don’t have enough on mh plate.. laundry Mountains…. I’m so glad I’m not alone !! This post brought tears to my eyes..Thank You !!!! Iso needed to hear ALL of this =) Nicole.. it will only let me post Anonymous
I needed this right at this moment. going to share with a friend of mine. this needed to be said. Thanks!
Lifting you up in prayer right now!
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
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your words were such a blessing for me. I was riding the roller coaster of raising a teenager, and feeling like I was messing up left and right. I NEEDED to hear everyone of those words that morning. It was God speaking to me. And then I shared it on facebook, and couldn’t believe how many said THANK YOU, I NEEDED THAT TODAY. You are pretty cool! 🙂 thank you!
Why do so many moms fake it? It makes me think I am the only one. I really need this today. I told my husband last night I was leaving him with our daughter and I was going to move. My heart is troubled and this might just have been the post from God that caused this heart to break for my family. As I write this through so many tears, while at work and trying to keep on keeping on, I realized I needed this today. So thank you.
I have a kid with special needs and he is getting stronger and it is getting harder and harder to hold him when he needs a safety hold. It is harder and harder to sit through the spitting, cursing, name calling,provoking, biting, kicking, hitting and struggling. I never know, and I am the one person who can even guess when it will come,when something will trigger his feelings of hopelessness and anger, sadness and self hate. It is hard to hear your nine year old cry, “Just kill me, it would be better than this!” If it was just folding laundry at 2am, not to be dismissive, but I would give everything for it to be that. Thank you for writing this.
As a single mum with an autistic son and a mentally unwell daughter I can do relate. Thank you for being soooo strong
Wise words for me to reflect upon- my children are in their late teens and early twenty’s. Your message is just as relevant now as it was when they were young. My daily demands may have shifted and look different, but when they get older you just have different dynamics that you are dealing with, which sometimes seem more difficult then when they were younger. So you see, by not quitting when they are growing up, it gives you lot’s of practice for when they are “grown up” and you REALLY just want to quit!
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My 17 yr old daughter left this post on my facebook wall today. She knows I’ve been going trough a great deal lately and it’s moments like this that keep me going. I am so lucky and love my daughter unconditionally and am so proud of her. I too had tears rolling down my face but couldn’t stop reading…
Thank you! Bookmarking this so I can return to it again!
thank you, thank you, thank you. I so needed this today. I am a fist time mom that works full time and has a husband that is usually gone five days a week. We have no family in town and I feel like I carry the weight of the world. I have a wonderful 17 month who has decided she doesn’t need sleep. Needless to say, I feel like a failure and this has inspired me to keep plugging along.
Ok. so ugly cry done now, I will tell you thank you for this. I have been an anxious mess lately, for lots.of.reasons, and just want to hand these 5 over to someone who can do a better job than me , at housekeeping, homeschooling, disciplining, decorating, providing, etc. But after reading this I feel some hope. So I am wiping my eyes and moving forward. Good to know I am not the only one. Love to you.
Ok. so ugly cry done now, I will tell you thank you for this. I have been an anxious mess lately, for lots.of.reasons, and just want to hand these 5 over to someone who can do a better job than me , at housekeeping, homeschooling, disciplining, decorating, providing, etc. But after reading this I feel some hope. So I am wiping my eyes and moving forward. Good to know I am not the only one. Love to you.
I was once trying so hard to be the perfect mother at Christmas. I had decorated the house all around. I was cooking a Christmas meal, baking Christmas cookies, wrapping lovely gifts to give. It was relatively neat on the first floor, where I was entertaining my out-of-town father and his very, very young girlfriend. Well, my dad chose to open the garage door and notice that my garage was messy. Of course it was, all of the boxes for the holiday decorations were in there! He really laid into me about what a failure I am. He made me shake and cry. I tried to commit suicide over it. They checked me into the hospital and I have never fully recovered from his stinging criticism. Please no one criticize moms! It’s not about perfection. I have always known this. Perfection is not possible. It will only make us depressed and crazy. God bless all of the mothers who try so very hard every day!
As I read this it’s encouraging because I have a son who has chosen to fall in love with alcohol and shut his family out. On his road to destruction and possibly suicide (as he is extremely depressed) I sit and pray, and pray and ask how did I end up here and pray some more. It’s hard raising children and then they grow up into adult children. The love and dedication to them never changes but the emptiness, loneliness and despair sets in. As tears run down my face, I pray some more and thank you for posting this today. A little piece of hope to get me through the day.
I’m a widower dad with a 5 and 7 old. Both boys. They are awesome – by we lost mommy 2 years ago after a 3 year cancer battle. It’s beena really tough last few months. Christmas was filled with challenges. I’ve got no domestic support – and I work more than full time.
Top it all off and my 2nd graders got suspended from school for a week! Now how do I get it all done with him not in school…?
One day at a time. Prayer and trusting God.
Thanks for writing this. It helped me.
Praying for you and your boys. You will get through it all and someday your boys will look back and realize what you went through as well, and appreciate it more than they can say. I know because I now look back and appreciate everything my mom had to go through on her own with 2 kids. We are so close because of it now that I’m old enough to see. It is all worth it.
I ended up here because I have recently become a grandmother and for the first time in many years am looking at baby related ‘stuff’. Every feeling written here brought back memories of how tough it is to be a mother. How thankless the task seems sometimes ….. how endless that list of unfinished chores….how totally unappreciated you feel as a woman ….. and a mother!
So, from the platform of advancing age and grown up children, I want to let you into a couple of secrets:
Firstly, there will come a day when you look back on this time with real pleasure and a wistful regret.Truly!! Probably when your teenager throws you a problem that defies belief and you will just wish for those days when you spent half a night cuddling him in your arms, safe. HOWEVER crazy it feels now, try to count the moments of joy when your child smiles, hugs you …or even throws his plate from the highchair and decorates the walls. Those are the moments you will one day remember ….. and recount with a smile.
Second, learn to give yourself a break. Does it really matter if the laundry is backed up, or the whole routine goes to hell because you and your babies need a sofa day to be sick together. I know it feels like the biggest deal in the world, but trust me …. that laundry doesn’t really matter one jot. And the dust will still be there tomorrow. Your children really will never remember that the house was spotless and the ironing neatly folded. They will remember that you told them stories, cuddled them when they were sick, took time to watch the butterfly with them.
You already qualify as great mothers because you are worrying about it all. Mothers who don’t worry are the ones in true trouble.
So please, stop giving yourselves such a hard time trying to be supermoms, and thinking that every other mother is doing a better job than you. However smart and organised those other mothers may look, they are struggling just like you. Somewhere, on some trip out, there will be a woman looking at YOU and wishing she had it so together!!
A grandmother.
Chiming in late, but Rachel, this post has been on my heart all week. I am sure I am not the only reader who believes you are telepathic. I read this post the very day I quit in my heart and mailed in applications to area charter schools. If we (moms blogging, reading blogs, drolling over Pinterest) could all just follow your lead and intentionally encourage one another and reach out, mothering in 2013 might start to look and feel more joyful and less competitive. Ladies, let’s be truly happy for those on top of their game and willing to put forth the effort to achieve, but realize it all comes at a price. Turn off the voices (blogs, books) that make you feel inferior. Like Rachel said, holding the puke bucket is as important as anything else you do. More important that a clean house or creative birthday party, more important than knitting organic wool baby sweaters or publishing a cookbook. Let’s quit hiding behind facades of perfection and reach out to one another. Thank you, Rachel, and God bless you!
I totally agree with u Tracy on ur post a friend of mine tagged me in this post and I was almost at the point of giving up. I have been dealing with two sick kids all week and my house has been trashed from one room to the other and I have found my self screaming into the air and wondering how I’m going to get it all cleaned before hubby gets home then I said I’m not going to rush around with my head cut off to clean up a mess that there just going to trash all over again when they get up. I really needed this post today it has given me hope that I’m not the only one who goes through all this pain and still wants to do everything possible for her kids.
Beautiful. Perfect.
Thank you. That’s about all I can say while fighting back tears. Not only are your words very touching, but they really put things into perspective about the beautiful, meaningful, imperfect, crazy journey every parent is on. Our journey doesn’t have to look like a magazine or the mom/dad at school who seems to be put together in every single way. It can be many different kinds of beauty, and be unique. The magazine, websites or “perfect people” won’t matter in the end anyway.
I really needed this today. Thank you. I cried as I read. Ok here goes, chin up, deep breath- lets di this kids.
Words cannot express how thankful I am for this post. I am overwhelmed, and constantly question myself when the house isn’t perfect, kids aren’t quite, and meals aren’t served on time. In it all these aren’t the things that truly matter.
Thank you Rachel for being an angel in my day.
Happened upon this today and in less than 12 hours have read it no less than 4 hours, with tears each time. My husband is deployed for the second time, I have a teething seven month old, no friends in town, living at home with my parents with too many bills and a part time job. Today has been a terrible, horrible, words can’t express hopeless day. I have finally realized that my ‘best friend’ has become someone who I can no longer rely on for a shoulder or even expect to ask how I am doing – in short, it was a rip the towel up and toss it kind of day. I needed this, more than words can express. Thank you, for the words, the tears that I’ve allowed myself, and the hope that maybe I’m not alone after all.
I rarely leave comments on blogs that I happen to run across but I wanted to thank you for this post. I’m sitting here writing with tears running down my face…because this is me. Some days I want to quit. Some days I’m not the best mother. But I am their mother. And I love them so freaking much. Even when they sass…or fight..or drive me absolutely insane. Thank you for this. I’m bookmarking…pinning…saving it. And re-reading it when I need that “you can do it” speech. Because only another mom can get how truly hard (and rewarding) this job is! <3
This will be the third night that I have been up without hardly any sleep. Feeling overwhelmed with all that I feel is expected of me day to day on top of pushing myself to never settle and accomplishing my own goals. My eyes have been swollen from crying so much. I have two beautiful little girls (one will be 3 next month and the other is 19 months). I am also expecting another little girl in July. This has been the first semester I have not been working full-time while being a full-time student (earning my second degree then starting Law School next Spring). It is not as easy to be a stay-at-home mom and full-time student either. I want to give up soo many times but just can not bring myself to do it. I am stubborn and know I will make it through all of this somehow. My biggest problem is that I am a perfectionist especially when it comes to work or school and I have anxiety and panic attacks and have since high school. I could not have ran across this blog at a better time. Thank you! Thank you!
HEY! Don’t make me cry within half an hour of waking up! I haven’t even had a sip of coffee yet!
Phenomenal post. Seriously.
After being told by my mother-in-law this weekend that basically I was not a good mother, I have been having the most horrid days since my first child was born, thinking that HER words mattered as to how good of a mother I was. I was seriously depressed beyond belief to the point that I almost gave up. But then a friend shared your post on facebook and I read it, and I cried. Not because it was sad, but because I felt like I am NOT the only one. And now, I know I am better.
I just wanted you to know what an impact you had on a stranger today that was at her ropes end. Thanks so much for sharing, inspiring and for all you do as a mother too!
God bless you….
Love this post! I am linking it in my bog so that others can find it.
Sasha from http://waytomotherhood.blogspot.ca/
<3
This helped me so much. I’m battling with mental health issues and everyday is a struggle between lying in bed and finding the energy to be the mom my son deserves. This just gave me a boost and I can’t thank you enough.
Thank you so much for writing this post. I’ve had an overwhelming week where I’ve worked my butt off all day and can’t see any difference in the house. The toddler has been clingy. The baby has been screaming for no identifiable reason. I’m super behind on sleep and am dead tired. I’ve been on the verge of tears for three days.
This post, and all of the rest of your Dear Mom letters, have been a blessing to me. Thank you again so much.
What a beautiful and encouraging post, and I hope all the mothers out there who need to hear this message will find it and read it and know they are not alone. We all want to be supermoms, but there will be days when what little that gets done will have to be good enough. There’s always tomorrow, and it will be a better day.
My children are now 23 and 26, and I’m proud to say they are healthy and well adjusted adults living on their own. I certainly didn’t do everything right when they were growing up. I have memories of things I wish I had handled differently and that I hope they have forgotten, but in spite of those tearful moments (mine and theirs) things have a way of working out. But I do hope my children remember the good times they had growing up… kinda like they say mothers don’t remember the pain of labor and childbirth when they’re holding their precious new baby.
Chin up, mommies, and take it one day at a time. You are truly stronger than you know.
What a beautiful and encouraging post, and I hope all the mothers out there who need to hear this message will find it and read it and know they are not alone. We all want to be supermoms, but there will be days when what little that gets done will have to be good enough. There’s always tomorrow, and it will be a better day.
My children are now 23 and 26, and I’m proud to say they are healthy and well adjusted adults living on their own. I certainly didn’t do everything right when they were growing up. I have memories of things I wish I had handled differently and that I hope they have forgotten, but in spite of those tearful moments (mine and theirs) things have a way of working out. But I do hope my children remember the good times they had growing up… kinda like they say mothers don’t remember the pain of labor and childbirth when they’re holding their precious new baby.
Chin up, mommies, and take it one day at a time. You are truly stronger than you know.
Thank you, for saying what we all feel! My husband is in the Navy and had been gone for over a year. I have a 6,4 and 18 month old. There are MANY days that I want to quit, it feels an impossible task. I often feel inadequate to do it all alone. These words were exactly what I need to hear to encourage me through the last stretch of this deployment!! Thank you!
Thank you! My husband was laid off about a month ago. I was a stay at home mom, and because we need the income I have gone back to work and will be starting a part time job (in addition to the full time) in a week. I feel very overwhelmed and that I am not there for my kids (2 and 5 mo). I really needed to hear this!!!
I wish I could have read your blog when I was raising my nine children. I love(d) them dearly and they were/ are so precious but it was hard. There is one consolation though. I feel like a wiser, more patient grandmother because of what we have all gone through. But it sure taught me to trust in our Heavenly Father, and raising a family help to bond my husband and I very closely together.
Oh, yes, just one more thing. Isn’t it amazing how strong mother-love is. We would give up if God hadn’t put such a tremendously powerful love for our children in our hearts.
Thank you. Just thank you.
I am a father of 2 crazy and amazing boys, this put tears in MY eyes and will help me to persevere.
Good to see that we mommies are encouraging each other. While I am the mother of three and went through tough times as well, the one day at a time strategy really worked for me. Here I am some 23 years later, still taking one day at a time. It doesn’t end after toddlerhood, thank God for letting me be a mommy for life.
Thank you, this makes such a difference. To hear I’m not alone in all these crazy mom guilts and feeling of struggle.
I’m a mother of 8 and find these words so helpful. I feel nostalgic for the days when all i had to do was wipe noses, read stories, and snuggle. It’s true..the time goes by fast. Now i do that above, but also deal with two teenagers. I’m very very proud of all of them; I told them today they are the better of both their daddy and me.
But I am not so glad about me at times…I lose my temper…way too much. This blog really helped. Just like someone else said who had two grown children–I pray they don’t remember much of that..or if they do they remember that I always strived to seek their forgiveness, to grow and to change. I sure hope that other moms can know this too, and not be too hard on themselves. After all, in our weakness, God is strong. He loves children. He wants us to succeed; and joyfully so. Peace to all of you.
Thank you for this post. I have been thinking a lot lately that I just can’t do this mothering thing anymore. I am outnumbered and overwhelmed almost everyday (3 kids, 5 and under). I needed to read this today. Thank you.
I wish I could of read a blog like yours when I was in the thick of things with our nine children. I love them all dearly but it wasn’t easy.
May God bless all loving Moms everywhere!
Thank you so much for this post. I have been a single mom of three (ages 12, 14, 20) for twelve years…I am in grad school full time and I have been feeling this way on and off for years. Right now is a tough time, I just happened to come across this post and am so grateful for the reminder…tears are streaming down my face. I will never quit being there mom.
I am in love with this. I’m saving it and reading it every day! It is SUCH a RELIEF to know that I am not alone in these feelings! THANK YOU!
Thank you <3
I needed to read this today. Thank you. You literally made me cry, tears of like this is not the end of the world. Thank you
This is helping me rite now. Everyone expects me to be supermom because. I’ve been fixing.cars for 10yrs, welding for 8, certitude HVAC Tech for 3 and currently in college for auto collision repair. I have many skills beyond the ones listed. Everyone wants me to.do favors and I’m tired. One other thing I forgot to mention……..I’m 30 and in the Advanced stages of Multiple Sclerosis. I was diagnosed 3 years ago. As soon as I started to get better did you think that people cared that I was sick. Everyone I know I feel like it has taken advantage of me. Including husband and kids. I’m just tired. I’m really nice and I put my foot dwn when it comes to me expressing my feelings but it seems it falls on deaf ears. I have to do motherly duties for 4 children while playing Jill of all trades at home. Its very stressful and I sometimes want to quit but there isn’t a quitter in me but I’m tired and all this stress is not good for my illness
Me again(wife with MS). Forgot to thank u for lifting my spirit up I’m going to bookmark this and keep it as a reminder of how special I am.
Thank you!! This really made me feel better!! phew!! So needed to read this!
Thank God I happened across this post today. I have been extremely stressed out with the pressure of taking care of the house and my toddler. Every time I clean something, he comes behind me and undoes it. Hang up clothes, he pulls them down, etc. I finally snapped today and left my SO and toddler in a room and slammed the door louder than I thought possible on the way out out of frustration. I went and sat on the porch and thought about how much I wanted my life back and to get in my car and drive around for a few hours. How I could never do anything I wanted, have a clean house, be perfect, what a terrible mom I am for thinking these things, and how my child and SO deserve so much better than me and wondering why God chose me for them since I only feel that I let them down. I cried through reading your post and it has helped me to see that maybe I’m not the always disappointing mom I thought I was.. Thank you for that.
Thanks so much for reminding me what i’m doing as a mother is important and that its ok to falter sometimes cos we are all humans and nobody is perfect. – Mom to 2 boys ( younger one with Down Syndrome)
Great post! Someone showed this post to me and asked “do you think dads feel this way”. I said hell yeah. We are “the forgotten”. There are times when I’m operating on no sleep because of a rough night from the kids, work 8-9 hours, have “house stuff” to take care of, help out when I get home, play with the kids, bathe them, read stories and put them to bed because they want their daddy, and then find time to exercise We also want to be home and see milestones for the first time. Not just getting the text, picture, or video. Pick them up from school, take them to the park, make lunch, or just play. People forget we’re at work too and don’t get that feeling. I understand it’s overwhelming being at home all day. Moms do a fantastic job and I will always respect that. As good fathers/husbands we understand and work together but when we’re not home all day we miss them just the same. The best advice I can give is structure your time. If you don’t have a food menu, calendar, established days for certain chores/errands, keep to do lists, set goals, schedule, or make priorities it will get harder. Take care of the mind. Read personal development books. I’m a big fan of Brian Tracy. Darren Hardy’s “The Compound Effect”, a great book. For men, maybe women, read “As A Man Thinketh (only 75 pages, but it is 75 pages of gold). Try Chalene Johnson’s 30 day push. or go to her website.
Perfect for the year I’ve been having. I have an 11 year old daughter and a 2 year old daughter. My 11 year olds is a sassy handful who hates school. Homework time is a nightmare. But I love them both dearly and your post made me think to remember to pay myself on the back every now and again. Thank you thank you. I am amazing, and so are you. MOMS ARE SUPER.
oh yeah….moms rock.
Bless you, Mary Lou.
rachel
Thank you, Rachel.
🙂
Thank you for this. i am a very lucky late 40s mom to two spirited children, 5 and 4. I left my hectic job earlier this year to spend more time with my kids and it has been a blessing, and honestly sometimes a real struggle. Moments snuggling with them, reading, watching them at swimming lessons – exquisite. I can’t believe I didn’t have the same amount of time just for them before. Then there are the moments of endless laundry, tantrums, cat pee, dog vomit, kid pee, kid vomit, dirty dishes, dinners made and received with “Yuck, we don’t like this!” and I wonder what I am doing with my life. I reminded my very busy husband that I used to have a staff team of 15 people who were PAID to listen to me, and they did, I got a lot of feedback in my working life about being smart and good at what I do. Here at home, we often are the unsung heroines : ) . I send my deep respect out to all moms, working at jobs, working at being moms and everything else that we do. Now I am going to pick up that mom towel and get back to it!
I stumbled upon this late night in FB, after reading all the statuses of happy families and feeling worse about what I’m doing with my life. I am a single mother of two, 9 and 1, and there are days I feel like I’ve done no good and cry about how my choices have affected me and my kids. This opened my eyes and gave me hope and determination. I will get through this, for me and for most importantly my babies. Thank you Rachel. Thank you.
Oh Dalia, your words are sweet and tender. You know, there really is no perfect life. sometimes I think facebook is the highlight reel of everyone’s lives – and it’s easy to think that all of that is normal. I am so thankful that you have hope and determination right now. For real.
Rachel
As a grandmother of 4, who was a mother who worked full-time in a period when most mom’s stayed home, I Loved this! Both my daughters have grown to be truly independent women, but have beautiful husbands and given me marvelous grandchildren. So I must have done something right!
Beautiful Carole. Bless you today.
Rachel
Thank you for this.
I was the only one rushing to leave the house this morning, since my kids and husband were all lucky enough to already be off for the Holidays. That was the moment when my 6 year old daughter decided to tell me her teacher was nicer than me because she gave her a cookie and a brownie and candy yesterday. I don’t know why, but as soon as I stepped out of the door, I cried.
It is a thankless job sometimes, but we keep going.
Marching on. That’s what i think many days. one foot, in front of the other, again and again and again.
blessings today awesome mom.
rachel
Wow, this is me to a T. I just cried at the steering wheel yesterday while my 2 year old screamed bloody murder in the back seat, as usual. I needed to red this, and to know I’m not alone. Thank you!
It’s true a Mother’s work is never done. God bless all you Mother’s out there holding your families together. It is a thankless job but the rewards are worth it. So whether your a young Mom or a seasoned Mom (like me) hang in there! There’s going to be lots of tears and it’s a bumpy ride but in a few short years you will get to see the fruits of your labor.
God bless you Moms out there.
Peace
Thank you so much for sharing such an amazing and uplifting speech!! As a mother of 4 beautiful, life changing children ages 9, 3, and 10 month old twins, this meant ALOT to me! 🙂
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I feel like my kids come in the house tear it up and then leave. I don’t feel appreciated and my husband is a cheating liar. My Christmas is a mess and we have no money its hard to feel worth anything in these conditions but I know I am a mother to help them make a mark on then world so I don’t give up but sometimes I complain lol
You know how you given what you need when you need it? This was it. This is what I needed today.
Thank you.
Bless you today, Karen. May the rest of the day be filled with surprising moments of joy.
rachel
As a single foster parent I often have days where I think God are u sure I am the best person for these kids. Are u sure there isn’t someone else who could do this better? But than I think where they could or where they use to be.
Can I just encourage you right now and thank you? I am sure that sometimes what you’re doing feels overlooked, but let me tell you, you right now are making a difference. for real.
Richest blessings.
rachel
I loved this post! It’s hard sometimes.. Especially when you have your SO telling you you’re replaceable and a glorified babysitter and that because I’m a sahm, I’m a leech! It’s hard to stay motivated. But I do it for my child!! It’s a tough gig sometimes and it is a job even if it’s just 1 child (2yr old) !! It’s easy to feel down and stressed when the house isn’t clean and the kid won’t listen but I try to remember she relies on me and looks up to me. We aren’t bad parents. We are human! 🙂
I haven’t read anything so positive in a long time!! This was amazing, I actually had tears running down my face.As i read fufurther and further I pictured those exact moments, and it’s not easy. This has been such a difficult year for me. But this jut helped me see that I’m not the only one who feels like this!! DONT GIVE UP!!!!!!
I have been having a hard year/month/day with my children. Today, before I left for work I wanted to “throw in the motherhood towel.” While reading your blog the tears were streaming down my face. I am glad to know that other mothers feel the same as me. I can relate to everything you have wrote. I often sit behind the bathroom door and cry(thought I was crazy). Laundry does not end. I feel so much better now and realize I can do it. Thank you so much, you have no idea how much I needed this today. You are amazing and it’s great how honest you are. I am printing off this post and putting it on my fridge so I can be reminded everyday that I’m not alone.
it doesn’t stop. even when they’ve “grown up” and you think they’re safe, they need you. You will never ever be given another gift like the gift that is your children. And they will never ever have another Mother. It’s lovely. It’s horrible. It’s irreplacable (is that a word?). I had a really hard time with it. I wouldn’t trade it for the world! Chin up! You can do it!
Thank you very much! I’m saving this article and reading it when I feel like this motherhood thing is getting the best of me!
Hi…thank you so much for the encouragment. I’m a single mom of a very trying 4 year old. Recently he started tantrums and its certainly taking its toll on me. Its so hard to remain patient and it seems nothing I try is working to calm the tantrums. I worry constantly that my son will grow up resenting me and some days I do feel like throwing in the towel. I actually decided to start seeing a counsellor so that I can learn better coping strategies and stop heaping the guilt on my own shoulders for what feels like a multitute of parenting mistakes. Its the toughest job on the planet by far, and I only want the very best for my son.
I understand the sentiment of this piece and I can appreciate the encouragement, but to the mother who is sobbing in her car with her head on the steering wheel, I would like to see her encouraged not only to not give up, but also that it’s ok to speak up if this is more than she can handle, that it is vital to make time to take care of herself, that it’s not selfish to want to have an identity outside of her role as a mother, and that by taking care of her own mental, emotional and physical health, she is not only serving herself but she is also serving her children by giving them a calmer, happier mother who is better able to meet their needs.
… did you know I had just finished telling my husband I cannot keep going, when I saw your letter someone shared on my facebook page (what I sit and look at to shut out the reality around me …) Can’t send the kids to school, but can’t keep up my homeschool expectations … So thank you. It reminds me of a quote that helped me once: “comparison to others is the seed which breeds discontent” I really still am convinced I am a failure, but it is comforting to know there are others like me out there! thanks …
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! No matter how much your head tells you “Everyone goes through this, your not the only one, no one’s perfect”, it never really sinks in until someone else says it. I am going to print this out and put it next to my bed to read when I wake up, when I go to bed, and when I’m in my bedroom trying to sob quietly so I don’t wake anyone up. The worst moment for me was about 7 years back, my son was 7, my mother was incapacitated due to mental illness, I was trying to raise my son and my 2 younger siblings, take care of my mother, and was working 2 jobs, managing a restaurant and delivering papers. I had broken 3 ribs playing tag (don’t ask) and couldn’t afford to take any time off work. I had been trying to take a nap when my brother woke me up and told me we had no milk. I gave him some money and told him to go to the store, 2 blocks away. He was 19. An hour later I came downstairs to find he had not gone to the store.. He said that was my job. I lost it. I called a family member and told them I was walking out the door in 5 mins with an overnight bag and nothing and no one else. I hid at a friends for 3 days, and did nothing. She wouldn’t let me get out of bed, brought me every meal, did my laundry, even went grocery shopping and took it to my family. I have never in my life felt more cared for, and I hated every minute. This brought back every emotion I felt then, made me cry, and lessoned some of the guilt I still feel for “quitting”. So again, Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Exactly
Yes. Thank you 🙂
Not a mom, but made me think of my mom and all the stresses and tears when I was young. Power to all you ladies out there who are strong enough to be moms!
Being a “Mother” is the hardest job in the world.
It is as if you wrote this blog as you watched me use every ounce of heart I have left to finish up the day. With 3 kids (7,4,3 months) who all want ALL of me ALL of the time I can’t help but feel not enough. Thanks for the encouragement! Your words serve as fuel to my very bone dry, empty tank of positivity
this past 2 months have been very hard for me. My daughter went from sweet little girl to deviant hellion. Found out that she has Attention deffict disorder with Oppositional Deviant Disorder. These have been what has made me want to throw in the towel and call it a day. everyday seems to be harder then the last and I cant handle it. not to mention im a stay at home mom while my husband works. Sometimes I feel like im just a maid cook and nanny. I work hard at cleaning our house everyday and I cook dinner every night and I wash clothes everyday all day. I do everything at 100% and yet, as soon as my daughter comes in from school or my husband comes in from work….they just throw their stuff around and leave dirty clothes laying all over the place and just don’t acknowledge anything that I’ve done. I shouldn’t need the appraisal but sometimes I do and it just isn’t there. my husband sleeps unti labout 15 min before he leaves for work. (which is 3 in the afternoon) and when he gets home he expects me to be up, waiting on him with a hot meal waiting to hear all about the stuff that happened at work. so im normally up til about 3 or 4 am and then I have to be up in the morning by at least 8 am to get my daughter up fed and ready for school. and then I clean until she gets home after my husband goes to work. I spend MAYBE an hour a day with my husband and the rest of the time im trying to gain some approval for keeping his house clean and cooking his meals. but this definitely helped me appreciate all that I do for my family and assure me that I can do this. each and every hard day.
I can so relate to your post. My daughter is 10, and was diagnosed with AdHd three years ago. I also have a son, who is 7. They really are great, smart and polite kids, but there are more days than not that I feel like turning my mom card in and just disappearing to see how the household would fall apart without me. My daughter is on meds, and thankfully, that has helped a lot. During school, she is attentive, focused, diligent, and gets along well with her friends and teacher. At home, in the morning, and at dinner, and bedtime is a whole other story. I am so mentally exhausted from battling with her and repeating myself, trying to get her to do very simple things that she takes 3 times longer than her brother to do, if at all. She will go upstairs, with the instruction to put her folded laundry away in her drawer, and 20 minutes later, it’s unfolded, and dunped all over her bed, or she’s watching TV in our bedroom. I have found food in her room that she has snuck upstairs, and we have been battling bedtime battles for years.
My husband works very hard for far too little money. We have been struggling financially for years, and have never been on a holiday together in almost 11 yrs of marriage. My kids get along well for the most part, but it’s the days and mornings that I’m exhausted, sleep-deprived, fighting a cold/flu myself, that they just pull the last bit of anything I have left, out of me. I yell, scream, threaten, ignore… I’ve tried everything to get them to behave some days, and it seems they just revel in the thought that they’ve driven Mommy to the brink of craziness — Again. My husband coaches hockey, and is gone many nights a week, and on weekends for a few hours at a time. He then leaves me with one or both kids, and then is shocket why dinner isn’t made, or the house is a disaster, or why I haven’t folded these 2 baskets of laundry. I NEVER get a break, and I’m really starting to feel like I am going to crack. My parents are 20 minutes away (and have been for the last 6 years) and have helped out with our kids ONCE. I have always wanted to have kids ever since I was young, but now I wonder if I would have been better off not, because I’m feeling so little joy in being a 24/7 slave to this household. I work part-time at 2 jobs, and I have little time to myself. I am so exhausted in the little chunks of time I have in my day, that I just want to sleep, and feel like I could never catch up. I have very few friends, because everyone else meets up after work or on weekends, or goes to the gym together, movies, dinners at each others houses, etc… and I’m always here with the kids or have to go off to work. I feel like my life is worth so much more than this, and that I deserve more than this. I wish I could appreciate the good things I have, because I KNOW there are many others out there that are going through so much more, but it’s really hard to see sometimes. I have many acquaintances who travel a few times a year, have gorgeous houses, and they complain they’re so exhausted and that their kids are so tough (as grandma and grandma take them every weekend). Grrr, give me a break…
Wow truly inspiring……the last few days have been tough to say the least I have 5 children 4 boys and a baby girl…..I love them all so much they each have a special place in my heart but some days I feel like totally giving up I have been saying I need a vacation lol yeah right who wants to babysit 5 children haha?? And u hit home when u said don’t be comparing your life with things such as facebook statues …..anyway I just wanna say thank u this the first thing I seen when I logged in and god knows I needed to read this again ty I am truly inspired! I will share cause I am sure there is a lot of moms feeling like this!!
thank you.
Thank you so much for this. This afternoon my children behaved so badly in a store that I was actually sweating and red with embarrassment. As I paid for my groceries the two of them were hitting each other and screaming as the whole world stopped to look at me as if I had no control over my children. I wondered “what am I doing wrong?” It’s hard to believe during those rough moments that we are doing the right things. Thank you for the encouragement. It was much needed 🙂
This is a beautiful message and it doesn’t matter if you are a mom of teens, tweens or newborns, it is the “lift” you may need today. Thank you. Remember, it’s not about being supermom… it’s about teaching your 2 yr old to sip through a straw for the first time; it’s about blowing bubbles on a warm summer afternoon; it’s about cheering on your child’s losing team, while being positive; it’s about not saying “it doesn’t matter” when it does for them and all they need is a hug. They will remember the times you took a moment to explain or read a story. That they will remember and hopefully emulate when it’s their turn. They will not remember the time you didn’t have all the towels freshly laundered and folded. Hang in there… someday you will be rewarded with GRANDCHILDREN 🙂
Thank you thank you thank you!
Oh thank you for this! I read this sitting in my car after sobbing convinced that I’m messing it up. That I’ll never be as good a mom as the one down the street. Somedays I feel so hopeless, that I will never be able to give them all of the things I want for my kids. Thank you for helping me make it through today.
Your post to ‘Moms” is absolutely irresponsible and appalling. You are encouraging struggling women to sink further into depression and domestic servitude. 40 years and more ago, women in America and most developed countries worked out that fulltime mothering is a trap that drags women down into anxiety and depression. Look around at all the great mothers who combine life outside the home with raising wonderful children. Better to break out (of the mould) than to break down – that is what we learned to say way back then. I raised two great children as a single parent working fulltime and had a ball. So did my children. They and their children benefited greatly.
I feel strongly that you have misread this blog, and missed out on an inspiring message. A message that says “your not alone” and “you don’t have to be perfect”. I felt this blog does not encourage sinking into depression or domestic servitude, but acknowledges the stuggles many of us face as parents in todays world. The pressure to be the perfect mom in a world of facebook and pintrest and reality tv. The one who can juggle a full time job, married life, and parenthood, all while having perfect hair. No one can do any of these things without a few mental cracks along the way. I hope you are ableto read this again someday and interpret it a little differently.
I’m that mom, I compare myself with others who seem to do it all so well. Cooking, working, Marriage, volunteering, happy well adjusted kids who are great students and physically and socially involved….
I struggle with boys with ADHD and shift work and have always wondered if any of it does any good.
I was recently at a Girl Scout function with several of those ‘Great Moms’ and I apologized to my 13 year old daughter for not being more like them…she said ‘I’d much rather have my crazy mother’. I replied ‘that’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me!’ I know I made it sound like a joke, but they are words I will treasure forever.
I never really thought of it like this, but…I am the perfect mother for my son. God chose me, flaws and all. And in that, I am perfect. It doesn’t mean I act in perfection, but that I am the one perfect mother chosen for him.
Thank you for helping me get to this thought today.
Thank you for this. Like the others, this post found me when I needed it most. I am going to breathe and begin my day.
Truly inspiring….thank you for this!
Rachel Martin, your column has truly hit my heart. I’m a 58 yr old male, I grew up with a lot of siblings 13 to be exact. I know now, what my mom went through. I cried my eyes out, reading this, because I didn’t do any better as a husband. I was in the Military for many years, I retired, from there. My 1st Son I had a lot to do with the up bringing, my wife had post baby syndrome, or something like that. my 2nd son it was like I was never there. SO I JUST WANT TO SAY TO ALL THE MOMS OUT THERE DON’T EVER GIVE UP, BECAUSE IT DOES LEAVE A LASTING IMPRESSION ON YOUR CHILD. I wish I had my Mom here so I could tell her, how much she really impacted my life… God Bless You All…….
Being a single parent for so many years, I dreamed of the perfect life!! Working 2 full time jobs, I still compared myself to the stay at home & married women. Never felt like I measured up!! This post brought tears to my eyes… I look at my children now & the wonderful parents they are. I know now that I did a great job… They reflect it for me!! This is so meaningful for me even now… It just validates what I did!! Hang in there moms!!
Thank you so much I really needed this today. I am a victim of believing all other mums are something my a fantastic job and do ng it so easily and here I am with a baby that won’t sleep whilst their kids are happily sleeping through the night from the day they’re born! I know that I shouldn’t compare myself to other mums but I do and then I feel horrible about myself and the negative thoughts creep in like why am I no good at this why is everyone doing a better job than me?! So thanks for helping me feel just a little less crap.
I feel like I do nothing right all the time. I’m stressed out all the time. I am a mother of twins 7yrs old and a 6yr old.i get up every morning get ready. They get them ready. Take them to school. Go to work. Pick them up. Do homework.and fight the whole time. Dinner and house work. Work ever other weekend for extra money. But it’s like everything is always wrong no matter what I do. I loved this. I stopped smoking so I guess that could make it worse. I love my kids I do . There are days I cry. We think we always need to be the strong ones. I guess I feel like a need me time sometimes. Which never happens. God must of lead me to this . Thank you so much.
Thank you for your words. So many times I come across one of your articles on my news feed n it is just what I needed. Just today I was thinking about how I always have to be the strong one n I just want to be the weak one. I always have to do right because it is my example everyone is learning from. It is hard because I at times want to stop but so many times your articles pull me back from the edge. Thank you
I nanny 4 kids and for the past couple of weeks they have been really hard. They’ve been so hard on each other and yesterday was one of those days. Reading this though helped bring back the good memories the bad ones where pushing away. It reminded me about the art projects, reading the same Star Wars book every day, the macaroni and cheese, hugging away the nightmares and playing countless rounds of Twister. It helped me realize that I am making a difference even though some days I don’t know what to do. Thanks for this.
I agree. I’ve wanted to turn it in so many times…
I’m not supermom! and never will be… But I can be a super mom! and so can you… and you are.
Thank you Rachel… you’re words really resonate with so many.
WOW!
[…] I don’t usual share other posts, but this one by Finding Joy, was just what I needed. I love my two girls more than anything, but sometimes my three year old makes me insane. If you’re a mom or a stay at home parent like me, who feels like you’re loosing a bit of sanity, read this: https://findingjoy.net/dear-mom-who-feels-like-she-wants-to-quit/ […]
Thank you. Just thank you.
hey, thankx so much for writing this – i don’t have children of my own but have family members and many friends who do and know a bunch of moms [and some dads] who this will be a real encouragement too and already has been – actually have a series on my blog which deals with parents of young children [when it’s not been all that easy] which a bunch of friends of mine put together which have been so super encouraging… – http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2013/05/07/taboo-topics-parents-of-young-children-intro
So thankx again and keep on – this needs to be said more and more
love brett fish
All I can say is Thank you. This post is such a gift. Thank you.
Have any of you considered letting your husbands see your tears and telling them how you feel? I was afraid to show my true feelings until I just couldn’t hold them back anymore. I couldn’t have been more surprised by his response. When I told him I was ready to quit him and the kids, he looked STUNNED. He had no idea I felt that way. He began to take some things off my plate. Life got so much better after that!
This doesn’t really have anything to do with this particular post, but I would love to hear how you and your husband are balancing your new work, his job, and the kids! I may need to go back to work soon, and we have 5 kids so I’ve been looking for bloggers in the same boat.
Do you think a post on that is possible? I know it isn’t your normal stuff, but I think so many women would benefit from a post like that.
I am so grateful for you and your words. You are a true blessing to mothers in this world. Thank you!
This is what I so needed. I have a 3 yr old son and a 9 yr old daughter. I love them both so much, but here lately we have had SO much medical stuff going on. I am totally and completely exhausted. I am a student. I started out the semester as a full time student. (taking 12 credit hours). Yesterday I dropped down to 3 credit hours. I just couldn’t do it anymore. My 3 yr old has had strep throat almost non stop since jan 1st. My husband and I have been sick mulitple times this year, and I have had many weak moments where i have just wanted to give up. I really dont think my husband understands what it takes to keep up with all the doctors appointments and the medicines, and just life with 2 kids who each have their own medical issues. My son has epilepsy and my daugther has hypothyroidism. They both have to take medicine every day. I have to try to get my homework finished, and maintain a gpa of at least 2.0. So far this is not happening. I have locked myself in the bathroom to cry on several different occasions. My husband appreciates me, but I just think he doesn’t see everything that I do, so he doesn’t understand how frustrating it is, at all… I really needed to read your post, so thank you. Also, thank you to all the ladies who have posted before me.
I cried reading this. It is water for my parched soul. Thank you! I had to reblog this on my blog. I gave you all the credit and hope that more people find you. You have helped me and I know that there are so many others out there that need that help. Thank you for being my angel today. I will get through today because of you. Meghan
Thank you so much. I needed this today!
My mother always told me not to wish away the days. As a mother with 2 under 3 (both surprises), I have found my balance. I take pride in the simple things. Reading. Singing. Being silly. Riding the kids bikes up the lane. Teaching them the hard lessons, even when I don’t know the right answers or thinking I’m f*cking up royally. It’s stories and other moms words that give me more strength. Reading this today has given me my boost in confidence to hold my head up and keep trucking. Thank you for your words and encouragement that picks us up. As my mom says, a mother is a mother no matter who they are.
I sit here with tears streaming down my face. I am the mother of 2…though only one is still here with me. My son is a junior in college…my daughter died in a car accident at the age of 18. I am a single mom. Every single day…I want to quit. It gets old…having to get out of bed every morning and face another day. Another day of carrying this heavy burden of grief….another day of struggling financially to make sure my son gets a good education. It’s hard…so very very hard. My children have been my life. I have given them all that I have to give..sometimes to the extent that I feel like there is nothing left. I mourn the loss of my precious daughter but I know without a shadow of a doubt that she knew how very much I love her. I know that her life, though it was far too short, was good. My son is doing well and has a bright future ahead of him. I am not going to be modest…I know these things are true because of me. It is all worth it….the tears…the sleepless nights…the endless hours of worrying and struggling…it’s all worth it….just to be called “Mom”.
Omg a friend sent me this link on fb as I had the water running to do dishes because its seven n I still haven’t started dinner , I forgot football practice started today so my oldest took the football player to practice on bike so I didn’t have to wake my napping three year old while I cleaned and organized toys as Ivr been doing all day in the room of doom I like to call it. I balled my eyes out reading this, I’ve thought of writing this myself but I’m not a blogger so the four people that read my fb status would be it so I didn’t. Thank you, for somehow finding the time to write this, I needed this so bad today my fiance is out of town till sat has been gone a week already n its still only tues and I’ve had four kids by myself since he left last tues, all boys too btw. Thank you a hundred times over.
You are welcome, Melissa. I hope today is wonderful.
rachel
I call my mom or sister whenever I feel like I want to give up. I am a single mom and my daughter just graduated high school and began college two weeks later for summer session and I felt unappreciated. My son was upset because his sister was having so much spent on her and his birthday was soon. Neither would or does help around the house without nagging and I always feel overwhelmed and unappreciated. I was working all the time, slept little and still had to come home to messy house to clean up after 16 and 18 year old’s and their two dogs.
Quit. I want to often, I love them so very much but at times don’t like them.
I read this and I feel like something is wrong with me. I’m a nurse and I have taken care of thousands of people. I’ve been praised and demeaned, thanked and spit on. People either express extreme gratitude or feel you are some how responsible for their loved ones illnesses. I’ve been with people through births, deaths, codes, and recoveries. I’m also a mother. So I deal with all the nursing stuff, then come home and deal with all the mommy stuff. I never sleep. 3 hrs a day of sleep is a good day. I don’t feel like I need recognition or praise. I don’t feel like a failure if the dishes pile up or my kids are wearing their dad’s tshirts bc the laundry didn’t get done. I’ve never felt like I want to quit. If im tired i take a break and tell the kids to shut the hell up. It’s just life and it has to be lived. Maybe it’s because I wrap dead bodies up and send them to the morgue on a regular basis that I’m somehow subconsciously grateful for the mundane life I have at home. I think moms need to stop thinking they are martyrs, stop trying to be perfect, and for goodness sake stop feeling guilty for taking a little time for yourself. Stop expecting the people in your life to give you permission. You have to just take it. You deserve it.
Today we were told our 3 weeks old son has a hearing.impairement. It’s one of those nightmare news a mother wanted to hear. I cried half a day and maybe tomrrow and the next day too.. cant help blaming myself and keep thinking if I could do more. Our 5 years old daughter was asking why I cried which only made me cry harder as I still not sure what to say. I found this and made my cry more although in a happier tone. I need to pick myself up and a mother to my kids.
Thank you so much for this. You truly lifted me up from such a bad place I have bin in I have a 5 year old a 3 year old and an 11 month old I am 23 years old and just feeling like the world is against me I want to go to school to start my career but it just seems impossible I always feel like giving up. You made me feel so much better xoxo
This is where I am at the moment. I really don’t think any one truly cares that I work all day, come home to “what’s for dinner”, and then left to clean up the mess, do the laundry, write out the Christmas cards, make sure the homework gets done, showers are taken. I’m the one that picks the kids up after school from their activities. I’m the one that gets up makes the kids lunches in the am, takes the to the bus stop while my husband sits on the bed eating cookies. The kids thinks he’s cool. If I ask my husband to help I usually just get an excuse so I don’t’ ask anymore. My husband has become lazy and self centered who does nothing but bitch and complain nothing is good enough yet he does little to nothing. O did I mention that I also the bread winner because he refuses to look for a higher paying job. I bring home twice what he does, literally. I’m so close to walking out, I’m feel the spiral down and don’t see a way up. I never thought it would get to this. I keep asking myself why I am there. This has to be one of the lowest times in my life. Christmas is a week away, my favorite time of the year and I just want to walk out and not look back. for my kids ages 10 and 12, I put on the happy face but this morning I broke down cause once again I got put on the back burner by my husband and in doing so he just made my weekend coming a living hell. I didn’t mean to cry in front of them or drag them into the mess but the tears wouldn’t stop. I read your blog and thought it might inspire me. You say I can do this, but I’m not sure how much longer I can….
simply beautiful thank you for sharing aloha from hawaii really needed to read this
Thank you for writing this
Thank you for this article. I’m still crying. I still feel tired and discouraged and just want to get a job to get away from my kids. I know that sounds awful. I know I’m totally depressed right now, but you’re right… it’s a season in my life right now. Right now… I am mother. Later.. I may be more than that.
Thank you for your article of encouragement. Please keep encouraging and writing and making videos… moms need this.
Thank you for this. Before I read your letter, I already said I give up. For over an hour I just sat down on the stairs. I can hear my daughter asking for milk , for bread, for TV, to be washed, to be changed, but I just sat there not knowing when and how to bounce back. I stopped caring and I didn’t know how to care again even if I want to. I took my phone and searched for anything that could help me. And I saw your post. Even though my eyes were blinded my tears while reading it, I found my way back. You brought me back… Thank you
I want to give up! I have teen finishing highschool that has not woken up to smell reality, I have 10 year old that tells me she hates me. My 7 year old is still at the sweet stage but soon will probably grow to hate. No matter what I do its not enough. I threw my 10 yr old a bday , no one came so its my fault. No one realizes that I am up to my neck in debt, everyone just wants more, and more. I cant take it anymore.
I don’t want to quit motherhood, I want to quit being a Wife.
Thank you for writing this. I cried while reading it then decided to take a swim after your encouraging words. I feel better now.
For all of us: These kids will not be young forever. Eventually a time will come when they are adults and responsible for themselves. The men who seemingly don’t participate enough are still worth their weight in gold (as long as they are not abusive). Just having someone to hug is so important and too often underrated.
Myself: I just have to sacrifice for seven more years. I’ve already sacrificed 16 so I shouldn’t give up now. I thank God for all that I have and hope that I don’t get this depressed about not having the freedom to spend my own money or cut out the long commutes. After the swim, I realized It was really the job and the news that stressed me out of control and to the point where I felt like a failure.
Thank you for writing such an awesome post!
Thank you, Rachel. Mom to mom, I really needed this right now. I cried because I’ve been a wee bit ashamed of how much I’ve been thinking about giving up. Thank you.
Thanks so much for your encouragement it really makes a difference when someone has been there.
Thank you for this <3
Today is hard, the last 2 months have been hard, all I have wanted to do is quit. Hubby’s change of job hasn’t been easy, neither is money and I feel like I am trapped and invisible. Unfortunately as a mother and wife you wear a lot of hats, but sometimes our identity gets lots in between our hats and that’s the part I struggle with.
Thank you 🙂
I cannot thank you enough for your words. They were exactly. And I mean, exactly, what I needed to read. I made this a favorite bookmark. I will go back to it, I’m sure, on days when I feel like I want to quit. I read this through tears but the good kind. You are amazing for putting this out there. <3
Thank you. 🙂 <3
Though you may have published this well over two years ago, your words were a blessing for me to read today! Thank you!!!
-Mom of four, GA
The last month has been a bad one and this evening, while I was changing the bed, after spending what feels the the 1000th day of dealing with my crying 16 month old, I thought about what it would be like to just run away. To get in the car, keep driving and never look back.
Every person I know has an easy baby that sleeps through the night and naps during the day. I’m lucky if I get 45 minutes in a day and a night where he’s in bed by 10 is a good night. He’s not happy to do things by himself, he won’t just sit and play or watch tv or anything without me watching him. My husband and I own a pub and work every day and there literally feels like there’s no reprieve. Ever. I read this with tears running down my face and my husband asking for the millionth time “what’s wrong with you?” I still feel like I could run away but it’s good to know I’m not alone! I just wish I actually knew someone who was going through the same thing.
OMG such a powerful read! Powerful because of the truth in every statement… and having been in this story so many times myself, just like so many of the moms before me, believe me when I tell you….when that day comes, when the last child leaves… it was worth every moment… and you’d do it all again, (it may not seem like it now, in this moment, or that trial, but a Mom’s heart never stops beating…you never retire, and the only regret would be that the time went too fast, and some moments got lost forever…. for all the moms out there, that this touches, you are never alone…and reach out, when you feel like quitting…. to the moms that have reached the end of these years….
I have been married 48 years and 2 kids in their 40’s and still have those days, today is one of them. Thanks i needed to read this.
I have two autistic boys i feel like this all the time but they need me.
I cand give up
I love them too much
Thank you so much for this! Your words gave me the strength to go another day! I have a 16, 13 and 10 year old and some days it feels like if I just disappeared maybe their lives would be better off. I spend a lot of time crying lately because not only do their ages make things difficult, but special needs and mental illness come into play as well. There are lots of days where I just want to give up and say I quit. Thank you for validating my feeling and letting me know that I am not a bad person for feeling that way. Also thank you again for giving me the strength to keep going and know that I can do this!
Thank you for this. I’m currently working 2 stressful jobs, studying at uni and trying to raise my son as best I can, while my husband works away. It’s tough and last few weeks I have felt like I’m a bad mum, like I’m not as good at my job as I used to be, like I can’t cope with college because I missed a deadline. None of these things are true, and none of the things that have gone wrong are the end of the world. I totally needed to read this today, I haven’t quit so I haven’t failed.
Wow this is all so real. Just an hour ago i broke, then just before crying myself to sleep i find this beautiful article. Read it and comments and now realize that im so silly. Im not the only one and no one is judging. Just minutes ago i felt as if i fail as a mother, daughter, sistet and a woman. I now have some of my faith in myself back. But am so embarrassed of my actions how do i face my son, boyfriend, parents family and friends
Thank you you are a true angel
Thank you Rachel,
Sometimes i just breakdown and cry. It is never ending and at times there is no gratitude for the things i do. Thank you it is nice to know i am not the only one that feels overwhelmed sometimes
I left you a message thanking you for a post last week. In that message I told you that I wanted to quit and how that post had helped. I don’t know if you read it or if this post is just a coincidence but either way, I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart. I won’t go into the details but please trust me when I say that you have made more of an impact than you can possibly imagine. You are a lifesaver…
Thank you, Melody, for letting me know. This brought tears. I will go find the message. 🙂
Rachel
I want to know what is going wrong that so many of us “primary caregivers” feel this way? What is it about our society that leads us to feel so strongly that we have to achieve so much and to feel like failures if we don’t. WE need a reboot…
I try to find comfort in this encouraging post but it’s hard. I’m 23 and have a 20 month old and a 5 week old since having my second baby I recently been feeling like I had no life once I became a mom but now with 2 I am true my alone I live in a town I don’t know anyone and my social life don’t exist and I have anxiety I love my kids but hate feeling stuck watching everyone have fun and living and I’m just home with kids going through the motions I wanna cry and break down anyone got advice I could really use some comfort in what I’m going through right now I don’t know how to respond to these emotions I feel borderline depressed
Hugs, Aimee. You, my friend, are in the challenging challenging moments of motherhood. I won’t try to sugarcoat it with words about trying to find joy in all the moments – right now – you just need to get through. if you can i want you to do ONE thing every day just for you. And maybe it’s watching something on television or taking a walk or drinking a cup of coffee or anything. Just one. Without guilt. There will always be more to do, but that doesn’t matter during your happy time. it’s about you.
Reach out any time. Rachelfindingjoy@gmail.com
Thank you. I have been through the baby years, as well as the toddler years etc. and have never felt like giving up until now, the teen years. My son is failing more than half his classes; he doesn’t think detention and suspension are a big deal. I work very hard 48-60 hrs/week (I am a single parent) to pay for tutoring and to give him every opportunity to find motivation in life, have taken him on vacations, sent him on mission trips, kept a clean house, provided healthy/organic food, moved to a good high-school zone, and I am so frustrated and tired. He has a pretty crappy relationship with his dad, and refuses to go there after school. I am a nurse and work 12-hr shifts, and don’t want him to be home without adult supervision, but feel helpless at this point; his counselor has told me I can’t legally make him go to his dad’s now (he is 15), and have no family or friends willing to help. I feel I have no choice but give up. Your words are sweet though.
Words I really needed to hear right now. Thank you so much. It truly touched my heart. I was in tears. And I didn’t even think it would make me cry. It was just so touching. I googled “can I just quit being a mother?” and stumbled upon this. I am so glad. Thank you for giving me strength. I may bookmark this when I need another boost. 🙂
I saw someone post this on FB and commented “Bad advice in my opinion. Someone feeling this way needs to ask for outside/professional help.”
“Quitting means stopping. And you don’t stop. So you may feel like you want to quit. Don’t. Pick up the motherhood towel right now and instead tell yourself you can do this today.”
People seem to have this idea in their head that any woman is prepared to be a mother no matter what and doesn’t need help because it come naturally, then are shocked to see a story about a mother who killed her kids and herself.
People really care about laundry and housecleaning when dealing with a baby or a toddler? Really? My child is wonderful to everyone else, but hits me so hard that I have a floater in my eye. When I ask him to do something, he laughs in my face – at 2! His babysitter is always telling me how she gets him to eat (at McDonalds), how he behaves for her (at the game arcades), etc. No wonder he thinks that everything is supposed to be fun, and since I am not, he doesn’t have to do what I say. I so dread his teen years, so yes, I would rather quit now. It really doesn’t matter to me if what I am doing is important. I am just tired of not ever being listened to, by anyone. I would rather be in solitary confinement. At least then I could hear myself think.
I saved this last week but didn’t read it until today and Im glad I did I really needed it. Thank you
You don’t have kids in their teens… Do you? Tell me all of this when your son’s, and/or daughters are 13-17. You think it’s hard when they are little? Hahahahaha! You know nothing of hard… Yet. Buckle up Buttercup, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride. You mean well, but you’re going to have to dig deeper than that when the hormones hit. If you’ve got advice for those years; I could definitely use it.
I don’t want to quit as a mother because I worked DAMNED hard on the two of them. I made them by SCRATCH, and I’ve been there everyday from day 1. I’ve fought the battles of teaching everything from how to use a fork to how to drive. How to color to how to paint with oils. How to put on make-up, perfume, collogne, pop zits, ask a girl out, turn a boy down, and even suppoting my daughter unconditionally when she came out as a lesbian. I’ve dealt with bad grades, devious ex friends, manipulation on so many levels it would make your head spin. First jobs, break ups, lost dreams and it feels like everything in between. I’ve guided them through disappointment, peer death, grief, bullying, depression, and cutting. I. Am. TIRED! No, I AM EXHAUSTED!
I daydream of a time in the future where kids not only don’t talk back, but also don’t come home late, try to hide online relationships, dabble with alcohol, weed, sex, and deciding just how important good character and morals are going to be in their lives. They fight and push the boundaries harder than ever. My son is now 18 (I survived!) My daughter is 3.5 months away to 18, and believes she now knows EVERYTHING! College? No longer wants to go. Be the surgeon that she’s always wanted to be? She snarles when you bring the subject up. Chores? Pet care? Exercise, swimming, painting, lacrosse? Family dinners? All but gone.
Little Miss Graduated Early needs none of these things. She’s smarter than ANY of us. When I try to walk away; she follows. When I tell her to be quiet – to drop it, and give me a break to calm down, to think – she sits the pot of emotions even harder, talks back even more, and ends up exactly where she didn’t want to be; grounded again. My two rules for her right now?
1) Don’t lie to me. To lie to me means you were doing something that you perceive I would not approve of, and to avoid that; you make something up to try to fool me. It hasn’t worked much yet, and it’s not going to in the future.
2) Don’t use me. (Which to her mind means that I have abandoned her now… wth?!)
Thoughts? Because I’m just trying to crawl through all of this right now. If she doesn’t go off to college this fall, I may very well end up moving into the old treehouse out back just for some peace and quiet. -Last Straw Mom Limping to the Next Stage
My oldest daughter will be twenty this summer. I’ve gone through twenty years of being a mom….so I get it. I’ve gone through a divorce, financial difficulties and still refuse to determine someone else’s strength to “buckle up” based on what I perceive to be the image of who they are but instead embrace and love the mom for where she is in her journey. That’s my heart. To acknowledge the hard times, to speak freely about it, but in the end to press forward with friends – those we meet here and in real life – cheering us on.
Rachel
I no longer have a husband to do anything for the kids let alone provide the desperately needed encouragement that they need along with any encouragement I need. I handle the hard stuff alone and very poorly. I make all of the decisions. The big ones have not turned out very well. How can I not want to quit. I barely survive. I go to work come home and in tired and upset that the house and yard is still a mess, that someone else “needs” something else that costs money that I can’t make enough of and their dad won’t send any.
I want to quit regularly. Tonight more than ever. In not here mentally or physically enough to make a difference.
I was really feeling so down today and seen this post i read the whole thing and it really gave me a huge enormous piece of what i am am feeling today. I would like to thank you for every single word you have wrote in this and besides the fact im being bothered atm writting this by my family i honestly love and feel better right this very moment and i thank you so much for this i cried. Thank you so much you brighted my day with every single word its exactly what i have been feeling ever single word right down to the end. Thanks and i appreciate every single word of it! Thank you rachel! – brandi
This. All of it. As I sit here bottle feeding my 4 week old newborn who my body failed to nourish I cry too. 5 kids: 9,6,3,1 and new. I want to disappear, find a secret door to narnia. I love my kids fiercely but the things, all the things. I can’t do them all.dont tell me I’ll miss this cause I wont. I’ll remember the times my 1 year old pinched and bit me as I sat and fed a baby and couldn’t hold him too because then he’d pinch and hit the baby. I’ll remember 4am when I’m so exhausted I can’t see straight and feel like an epic failure when my husband who works 60 hours a week takes the baby because I’m too hysterical to speak. I’ll remember exactly how much I deeply love them from the moment I laid eyes on them in that ultrasound picture when they were in recognizable, a tiny pea sized miracle. I’ll remember to reach out a hand to my daughters and my daughter in laws when they have babies, not to hold a baby but to fix dinner and do laundry and run errands and pick up groceries.
Thank you so much. After 5 years of trying for a baby and the emotional turmoil that came with every period and 45 day cycle when I tested then came on later the same day, IVF and having two eggs put back, I felt SO lucky when we found out we were expecting twins. Our beautiful boys arrived at 28 weeks, spent the first 11 weeks of their little lives in intensive then special care, they were just over 2Ib and very vulnerable. I would have ripped the world apart to protect them, cuddle and nurture them through the next day and then the one after that… We were being looked down on and I thank the universe ever day that they are with us. Then the regular feeds, night feeds, sleepless nights watching them sleep, worried something might happen to them if I wasn’t watching. I didn’t know at the time, this was the easier part! Now at 16 months, no lasting problems from their prematurity, caught up almost in every way and done so well bless them, still though the sleepless nights, waking at 1am, 3am and waking each other up, today after pretty much NO sleep last night, I was asking myself when will it end… I don’t care about my housework, I can do that when they are grown up ha ha Their dad helps during the night, I am home on shift with the boys while he works a 12 hour shift driving heavy machinery. I know it’s not forever and that it will get better, I found myself sat at the front door in the garden listening to the birds at 6am after finally getting them both back to sleep, feeling that today was particularly hard. I searched online “I love my babies so much but today is really hard”, I found this post and it made me smile, go back in the house and look at my beautiful sleeping babies, reminding myself it is all worth it and that we are so very lucky to be blessed with not one but two gorgeous, lovely, kind hearted and well behaved baby boys. Thank you for reminding me that all I ever wanted to be was a mum, I have that now. I have to get through these days and remember that there are always people worse off than us and we should embrace each and every day and make the most of the gifts we have received. All every mum can do is her best and I will make sure that I do that (and that I teach our little boys just how much we have done and sacrificed for them)! Rachel, you are amazing for sharing your words, you have absolutely made my day and made me realise that I CAN DO IT 🙂 Love Sarah x x
Well i am reading these posts with tears rolling down my face as i have just locked myself in my bedroom, my 2 kids in the kitchen making their own after school snack (7 & 9).
This week has been really hard for some reason. I have been angry, unappreciated, annoyed, lost, taken for granted and just sad.
Sometimes i wonder why i try to help people, including my boys and my husband. Are they ever going to be greatful or thankful? Maybe i haven’t taught them how to be? Something else i have done wrong?
Sometimes u get so far down u can’t see how to get back up. My boys are growing up and not wanting or needing me anymore and its really hitting hard.
😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
I’m a single parent with no family apart from my three children, I have 16 yr with autism and adhd a 12yr old daughter who mouths at me all the time. And a 3 yr old who is always ill I have not slept properly years, I’m exhausted emotional and physically, most days I want to scream and shout and say what about me. But I look at my kids and think they are my world and yes I’m going to have good days and alot of bad days but my kids need me. They have no one else. Ive just read this and it put a smile on my face Thank-you. And I just want to say keep going all of you because you are fighters. We fort to have our kids so keep going there is light somewhere I’ve been told lol
Thank you for this beautiful write-up. I was crying uncontrollably as I read this at a public place. It was as if you were right next to me all this time when I was at my lowest point. I always look at my 11 month old baby to remind me of how beautiful he is and that I should be grateful and happy for what I have. It’s been a constant struggle to be my old self again without feeling lost, neglected and helpless. This has given me a some encouragement and I hope more mothers like myself will find inspiration in this article. Thank you !
Thanks. More then you know.
Thank you. I got on Google tonight because I needed something. After a day of taking my kids to school.. tantrums..cleaning.. dinner( that everyone wanted something else).. more cleaning because after I did last time it was destroyed in about 20 minutes and just not feeling like enough. I read some of your blogs and you made my evening so much better. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you on much. Keep doing what you’re doing. You are helping out so many exhausted moms more than you will ever know.
Thank you for this…I really needed it today!
This website does exactly like its name suggests…helps me find joy. Rachel you are a blessing to moms everywhere and I thank u for that. I love that I’m not seeing any words of criticism toward moms posting their own struggles as too often we moms are hardest on one another which should not be the case. Anyway, so grateful to have stumbled on to this site tonight.
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I feel I’m going to give up, I have such bad luck I broke my foot, can’t do anything I have a 7 month old baby, my husband is always criticizing every single thing I do and on the side my mom has changed, u try to bring conversation and my mom will cut me off for no reason I’m really donde, I feel like running away and never coming back I’m so fed up
Leslie — thank you for all you do, even in those days when you feel like you want to give up. The strength that you have on those days is so much, but often so unnoticed. I just want you to know that I appreciate you, your heart and how much you give. Keep at, my friend. You can do this. I believe in you.
rachel
Possibly luck that I came across this. And maybe for a good thing. Ive been feeling completely overwhelmed lately. Im a 24 year old mother with a seven year old. Plenty would possibly think what I am about to say is selfish but its how I feel. I want to give up. I want to start over…move somewhere new without my child or boyfriend and just become everything but what I am. I dont want to rush home after work to care for an individual I no longer have the energy to care for. I barely could care for myself. I remember when I first got pregnant everyone wanted me to get an abortion but I ignored them and now part of me is wishing I had done just that….I cant do this anymore.
I just wanted to say thank you for all the courageous mums for sharing! As I sit here alone with tears wondering where I went wrong and how I can push forward, I feel like I am not alone. Normally so strong tonight I struggle. Trying to be perfect wife and mum has just become so hard. So thank you for your honesty.
Hi! I just wanted to let you know that someone is stealing your words and using them as their own. I tried to call them out on it and I was blocked. Thought you might want to reach out to her yourself. She has a huge following bc of her business. Just thought you should know.
Wonderful post btw
Thanks
Holly
Thank you Holly. I found it and reported it to Facebook. Thank you.
I’m sobbing. Thank you for this!!!
I was literally scouring the Internet for a stay at home moms resignation letter. I announced to my husband tonight after dinner that I quit. I was trying to find a damn template to forward to all the children & adults in our home…..and then I stumbled into this. Thank you. It’s crazy but just reading this article, I knew it wasn’t for me specifically, it was exactly what I needed right in this exact moment. Now that I’m blubbering away like a snot nosed child I shall need to change out of my day pajama attire and into my evening pajamas, squish in-between my 3 year and 8 year old mini heaters & As I lay in bed with the lulling snore/death rattle that has become my husband, I know I’m not completely insane or the worst mother ever or alone. Thank you – side note anyone happens upon a template that reads something like “I Quit. Y’all are on your own. love mom – let me know. #askingforafriend😂💕
I am so, so tired of being invisible, unappreciated, misunderstood, just a pair of hands to fascilitate every one else’s life succeeding but mine. I am tired of keeping an endless running commentary of crap in my head like: cleaning house needs to be done, laundry needs done, walls need repainted, homework needs done, I should limit screen time, ooh here is meal time again as the dishes lie pile up etc etc. I’m tired of having no-one who understands; my mom is dead, I had multiple miscarriages I just needed to mentally step over and my friends all disappeared for better ones, I guess because I’m not fun enough because all my energy went into grieving, my family (my son had health issues when he was younger) and now work and my family. Most of all I think I’m tired of knowing I’ll regret my moaning when my children are older. I feel so bratty as I live for my children but I still feel and am tired of pretending I don’t because no-one cares anyway.