I just don’t care.
Are those the right words to say? To write? To share? Are they the words that garner the shares and likes or are the the words that draw out the critics and anger? Do they ring true? Are they quitter words?
I really have just decided to not care.
Now, before you freak out and wonder what’s happened, hear me out.
It’s not like I’m not fighting or being brave or putting on the face of a warrior mom and woman and single parent and entrepreneur and add whatever label you want to. It’s more like I’ve stopped caring about justice and fighting for things that in the end don’t really matter and it’s just about ego and the price of ego equals a huge loss to self. And in that huge loss to self over things that I thought we as moms were supposed to fight for came this slow erosion of, you guessed it, happiness.
I’ve felt like for the last nine months the world has been destined to shut me down. Like full fledge, in your face, both hands up ready to fight take me out. And the harder things became the more I dug my heels in. Be brave, be strong, don’t give up. That was my rally cry. And the more I fought the more I became bitter.
Yeah, just a bit bitter.
Almost like I was expecting the world to dose out the next issue — you know how that is, right? We joke about it all the time — things come in threes or it could be worse or so forth. And yet, here I am thinking that to be the noble mom means that I had to fight fight fight for everything.
And when things messed up – or kids were kids – or people stole my graphics/words (holy moly nightmare) – or money was an issue – or I was fighting for child support – or groceries were left out to be spoiled – or back to school meant crazy lists – or relationships had communication issues – or you name it – instead of just realizing that’s life I took it on me as the world out to get me. So I’d go to bed weary and instead of waking hopeful I’d wake up with my boxing gloves on ready to fend off what I was sure to be the next thing flung at me.
I don’t know how it hit me.
But I’m just kind of surrendering to the karma in life.
And instead of wondering why all the hard stuff is happening I’ll just expect it as part of life and be chill with it and will instead do exactly what this site is about – find joy – in a whole bunch of other stuff that got blanketed in my mind with a cloak of hard moments.
So that’s it. Nothing super profound.
Maybe you’re just wandering around feeling like you’ve been dealt a bad hand. I get it. Maybe you’re wondering when you’ll get a break. I get it. Maybe life is hard and you feel alone. I get it. Maybe you just want to be able to breathe without worry. I get it. Maybe just maybe. I get it.
You know what? Put the gloves down.
Fight the right fight with me.
The fight in seeing the good and being grateful and not being shocked when the hard stuff happens but knowing that you will get through. The fight for our hearts.
That’s what I’m telling myself tonight as I sit on my front porch.
I’m tired of fighting for the wrong thing. I’m not a victim. You’re not a victim. We only are when we expect the hard stuff to keep happening and to feel lost and misunderstood. You’re a winner. Worthy. Beautiful. Enough.
I love you guys.