I found myself crying in the bathroom this morning. It was ironic because it was such a beautiful day. The sun shining, the fall leaves turning golden, the house fairly quiet. But my heart didn’t feel that lightness. It was choked out, in a way, choked by the me who had been trying so hard to hold it together. It’s been months of holding it together, of being strong, of carrying on, and this morning it was simply too much. The tears tumbled, they fell, and no matter how much I tried to stuff them in couldn’t get them to stop streaming down my face.
I feel so lost right now. I don’t get who I am anymore.
I whispered those words to my husband, almost afraid to admit the reason behind the tears. Those tears where a big pot of sadness, fear, shame, overwhelm, feeling that I should have been stronger or had it together, of being alone, all stirred together. And that pot was boiling with no place for the steam to go, but out.
I don’t know if you’re like me, but these last months have left me feeling a bit lost in my own life.
I look back to what life was like several years ago and there I was traveling, writing, building a business and now, today, this morning I found myself thinking about another day of teaching the kids, of being home, of not knowing exactly what direction work would go or if I would get to it. It left me worrying about the future while I was unsure of the footing below. It left me wondering when I moved from dress shirts to the sweatshirts. It left me feeling guilty about struggling being home because I knew that others would be grateful for this spot. It left me feeling more guilt for even being overwhelmed because that little voice inside told me it could be worse and you’re so selfish. And all of that feeling left my heart a giant mess and me a crying mess.
Pressure builds. I tried to stuff it down. Pressure doesn’t care.
It needs an outlet.
I had thought about writing it down for several weeks. After all, writing is my outlet – blogging for years, quote writing, book writing – but I was afraid. I was afraid of all the thoughts going in my head, I was afraid I’d be alone, and I was afraid of the reactions. All those fears – about what others thought or if I didn’t look strong – was in fact, more pressure. But, honestly, over that last months I’ve seen a culture of judging versus loving, of friends who no longer stayed friends, of people alone. But then I realized that part of being real, part of growth, part of community is being brave enough to admit that there are days, moments, weeks where we don’t have it all together.
So friends, shocker, I don’t have it all together.
And today, today I admit that I totally felt lost in life.
Today I admit I had moments of not knowing who I was anymore or what I was to be doing.
Today I admit I missed what was and had that moment of wishing for the old normal.
Being lost is uncomfortable. Heck, if I’m honest, almost all of 2020 has been uncomfortable.
Yes, there has been a bunch of good, but there has also been a great deal of brakes screeching to a halt. Businesses that stall, families torn apart, fear, schools changing. Jobs that are unknown. Unrest. Simple moments, like going to the store, that we thought were unchangeable, changed. Where a year ago I was sitting in coffee shops having business meetings now I find myself sipping cold coffee explaining direct objects to my kids.
And we have to talk about it. When we keep it bottled up, when we are hesitant because we’re afraid of what others might say or judge us with then we don’t extend the ripple of community, we don’t move forward. You can’t move without admitting where you start. At some level, the risk-takers, the movers, the trail-blazers who create bonds of friendship are the ones who dare to admit their real in order to create connection with others. This is where we can come together.
Talking about the shift doesn’t mean I’m not grateful. Talking about the uncomfortableness doesn’t mean I don’t see the good. Talking about the hard places doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate. Talking about the changes doesn’t mean I’m blind to the world, either. Talking about the ups and downs and normal doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate today.
It just makes me, you, us real.
So I’m writing it about it. I’m writing to you so that you, right now, feel a little less alone. I sharing my vulnerable so that you, right now, know that your heart, your vulnerable matters. You see, and I’ve written this for years – you matter, you are enough, you are strong, you are brave.
Even if you feel lost.
In fact, you might matter even a bit more in these moments. These are defining moments. Yeah, that. You know why? Because you keep showing up, you keep trying, you keep loving, you keep giving, you keep hoping, you keep struggling, you keep caring, you keep sharing, you keep helping, you keep believing, you keep on keeping on.
I see you. Thanks for being here with me too. Together we will make it through, together we will rebuild. Together we are strong. Together we will figure out our new normal.
Love, from your friend who feels a little less lost because she wrote to you.
who wrote this sitting on her front step after drinking yet another cup of coffee, after teaching about sets in math and reading a book, whose kids are inside reading. And guess what, my heart? My heart is lighter. Pressure release.
Wow..that’s pretty honest. Wish I could write what I’ve been going thru this past three years since retiring from trucking and Covid has not helped In anyway. I’m not just lost but have lost my Independence and freedom. God has kept my head above water and thanks for your blog. My daughter sent to me💞God Bless
I read this after a friend shared it. It pretty much sums up all the thoughts and anxiousness I feel. I was recently diagnosed with Cancer so all my thoughts, fears, hopes etc are heighten. Thank you for helping me realise that I’m not alone with my struggle. Because of your blog I have decided to keep a journal because sometimes it helps to express these feeling and thoughts even if only in notes. So thank you, and stay safe, stay strong and believe in yourself.
Really nice blog .can I write in hindi
I’ve been struggling for so long now it seems. I rarely feel joy. What’s funny is that all I have ever wanted to be was a mom. I am now a mom of 4. I have had these 4 kids and more (cousins and neighborhood friends) running in and out of my house for months. I’m exhausted. I want to be alone. I feel like I’m in a bad mood all of the time. I am doing Distance Learning with two of them and homeschooling one of them (2nd grade, 3rd grade and 7th grade). They hate me because of what is happening with school. They blame me. Moms take on so much. I thought I had thicker skin, but these past few months have torn me apart. I have felt extreme loneliness even though I haven’t really been alone. Reading your posts makes me not feel alone and know that my feelings are valid. So thank you.
You could not have quoted. the most perfect words to How I felt this morning. Made me want to cry again
I can also identify with much of this – I had almost recovered from the depression of losing my husband, then Covid happened. I am beginning to feel lost and empty again, and starting to find it difficult to make my way out of the “fog”. Sometimes I manage to do this, sometimes not – but I am determined not to let it beat me, especially inspired by this piece of writing.
This Is For The Momma I Love You You Are Loved, I Need You , You Are Important You Are Appreciated , You Are Loved No Matter What You Are Going Through !🤗💗🙌🤗❤👩🏼🧡🧑💜👧💚🧒💙👶👣💙🙌🤗💔💝💖💕💞💟AMEN 🙌~❤️💙~💞~🙏👆😇☝️💯✝🙏🙌~💙❤️~ 🙌 !👆😇☝️✅💯🙌🙏➕🙇♂️🙇♀️💞👫💏💑👨👩👧👦❤👩🧡🧑💜👧💚🧒🏼💙👶👣💙💝💖❤🌟🌜💝🌛🌟AMEN 🙌
I find my joy in the Lord and no one else.
Matthew 6:14. Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about it’s own things. Suffice to for the day is it’s trouble!!
It’s a lot for everyone, but I think moms bear the brunt of everything, concerning the state of the world right now. I’ve had days when I’ve wanted to stay in bed with a pillow over my head, but I knew that if I gave in to despair, the whole house would sink with me. That is a lot of pressure, a lot of responsibility. The mom sets the tone in the home, from my perspective, that is a lot of responsibility. I’ve fought against thoughts, against spirits of anxiety, against the whole pity party feeling, so we can keep afloat here. It’s hard. But it’s a good fight, and it’s encouraging to share, and know we aren’t the only ones in the battle. Thank you for your honesty, and lets not give up!
Once again, you struck gold. I have no idea about all that you, or anyone else out there is going through. All I know is, God tole me one day in my melt down moment,”Iv’e got this…”
So, because I know I can believe HIM, and can utterly TRUST HIM, I surrendered it all to him.
I walked out of my meltdown moment feeling refreshed, heard, understood and utterly loved. I can’t get that anywhere else.
I listen to uplifting Christian music, and hymns that speak to the moments. I try to find home projects and things to do that won’t cost a fortune, or compromise God’s standards and expectations of me…
I pray….A LOT…throughout my day, asking GOD for help in sooo very many things I am thinking to do, or am beginning to do, or am doing. I find HIS wisdom and guidance through my friend Holy Spirit much greater than my own, and extremely comforting besides.
Sending hugs and love to you all! Numbers 6:22-27
I know where you are coming from! I have felt the same way many days. You are not alone. Many of my friends have also had those feelings. I miss socializing with my friends! I miss the personal connections at church! We have to wear masks and I find it difficult to sing with a mask on. I’m really glad I know God intimately and trust Him and His Word! Be encouraged and keep plodding on!🙏🏻🙏🏻
Awesome tips! I will definitely be sharing your site as a go to on my parenting blog called Curiousbill Gentlebull. Your article fits in perfectly with my blog goals of sharing helpful tips and tricks in that helps the parenting community get by.
Well, I cried hard when I read this. 2020 until now has been a shite year for me. From losing my job of 15 years, I haven’t been able to find another comparable job, trying Real Estate, which scares the living f..k out of me. All the feelings of not knowing what I am doing make me feel dumb. Living in a world where things are all about mindset, happiness comes from the inside. Only you can make yourself happy. Then losing my mom in April of this year. I have had it. I am angry, sad, pissed off at so many things, and have totally lost who I used to be.
Thank you for this blog and the realization that many others have the same thoughts.