“turn your wipers on”

Yesterday I spent an hour talking with my counselor. There was a time in my life where I assumed I didn’t need help, didn’t need someone to listen, didn’t need clarity. And then, well, life happened. And in all of that happening came a whole bunch of residue that I find hard to identify or let go. Residue.

That’s what I told her it felt like – “a build up of residue that is weighing me down.”

We talked through stuff.

I shared how I have the hardest time letting go of things because then I fear it will happen to me again.

I shared how I end up trying to fix everything and that the projections of others – true or not true – stick.

I shared how I found it hard to write lately because I’ve been feeling so bogged down with life stuff and I was worried someone would say, “Isn’t this page about joy?” (Which has happened. More than once.)

I shared how I compare and measure myself with the success of others and that sometimes I feel like I fraud because I write about not comparing and there I was – comparing.

I shared how I have anger and hurt trapped deep inside – from others mislabeling me or judging me.

And then, then in a moment that surprised me, she asked me to think about what others might need for their healing journey. She had me specifically focus on several people and asked me to work on forgiving and sending peace and cutting my own cord to them – which dragged me down.

Friends, it was hard. It was hard to forgive, hard to let go, hard to not cling to the stuff.

The residue.

And then it hit me – the residue was distorting my view.

Imagine your windshield in the car full of spots and dirt and build up and you forget that you have the power to clean it. That was me. I forgot that it wasn’t anyone else’s responsibility to clean that residue.

It was mine.

And by being stubborn, by thinking that looking at all of it was a badge of “look what I’ve dealt with” or whatever, it was only hurting me.

I dared.

I dared to forgive.
I dared to let go.
I dared to clean that residue from my spirit.

And today, today, I see a bit clearer.

Not perfectly – think how it isn’t just one swipe of the wipers to clean the glass – it takes work – that’s where I am. But the bit of clarity has reminded me of the power of joy.

Joy isn’t a given.
Joy isn’t easy.

Joy is in the willingness to look at one’s journey, one’s story, and to keep moving forward, keeping the vision clean, and letting go.

I hope this reminds you of the power you have in being willing to forgive, to let go and to stop giving the power to heal to others. I hope it encourages you to get help and talk to someone if you need to. I hope it encourages you to know that you are not alone in this journey. I hope it reminds me, even in this crazy busy that we tend to live in that you matter and make a difference.

You are brave.
You are enough.
You are worthy.

Turn your wipers on.

Love,
Rachel