Some talk about Mother’s Day.
I’m going to be real. I know Mother’s Day hurts for some of you and that you kind of actually look forward to the day after when you can put that big red x on the calendar and call Mother’s Day done. I know that.
Do you know why?
I see it. I see it in this world that there are piles of things that hurt. And those things that hurt on other days can sometimes hurt more on a day that seems like it is about celebrating the perfect image of mom.
That mom, that life, well, that just doesn’t exist.
I know we could try to rationalize in our brains that it is just a holiday put together by Hallmark and all of those retailers and that such a day shouldn’t really matter. Or hurt. Or make it feel like our lives need to measure up to this nebulous idea of perfect motherhood. But, no matter the origins, or all the people who really do want to honor moms, the truth is that sometimes Mother’s Day is a day that is just a bit hard.
I think it hurts because sometimes it creates this illusion of moms and motherhood and life that seems unattainable or perfect. It’s full of white sandals, kids with combed and parted hair, brunches, families, and tulips carried inside. Or at least that’s what we sometimes see. There are glowing cards and chocolate fountains and rose stands set up on the side of the road. There are pictures of families that are happy, without financial worries, and kids that make the cutest handmade cards.
But real motherhood? Real life?
It so often doesn’t look like that. Real life has rebellious kids, fighting parents, divorce, no money for brunch much less a card, rainy days, unmet expectations, miscarriages, infertility, children that are sick, and on and on and on and on. This isn’t about listing all those things or pretending I get how all those things feel that hurt. It’s about acknowledging that they are there. Being real. Those things don’t work their way onto a card very well and there aren’t that many roses for the mom in the midst of those kind of journeys.
Those are the things that could pick at the joy, the little things in motherhood that truly matter.
On Mother’s Day this year I remember the big amazing picture of moms.
You.
And maybe you don’t have a life that is perfect and you don’t get to do all the things that you think others get to do on Mother’s Day or maybe you don’t even get a card. Maybe you feel like you give and give and give and all you do is lost or not appreciated and all you would love is a small bouquet of flowers. Maybe sometimes you don’t like being a mom or don’t feel like you do it well or just are worn. Maybe you are really looking forward to ripping that page of the calendar and just moving up. You know what? It’s not fair that this day can hurt. And I am sorry. I guess today, today, I just want to remember you and to thank you and for all that you do.
I think the reason I write so much about celebrating real, and the real little things that we do, is that I’ve seen and I’ve felt the pressure of a life that didn’t feel like it measured up. And as soon as I started comparing my life with another’s life or what I thought motherhood should look like I quickly found myself discontent. That comparison thing eats away at contentment. So instead of comparing with others we need to see what we do. Which is why I write about joy, and finding joy, and you, the brave mother in this world.
Motherhood is brave.
The flowers, cards, brunches, notes, and chocolates on a day set aside are lovely.
But so is May 10, the day after Mother’s Day. And May 11, 12, 13, 14, and all the days until the next one loops around.
I honor you for all of those days as well. Those days in between, the hard days, the great days, and the normal days. I stand up and applaud you for those days. For fighting and moving forward and for being mom. It’s that deep hope that we have in us that makes us press on to the next day and do the next thing and to see the beauty in life even when it isn’t perfect.
Hope is powerful.
Being a mom isn’t about those grandiose moments and one day of the year where the world pauses and sells cards and flowers. It’s about those little things that are the amazing things. It’s about tenacity and spunk and inhaling deep and moving on.
Those are the things that I celebrate.
Thank you. Thank you for getting up, cooking meals, paying bills, buttoning shirts, combing hair, checking homework, reading stories, picking up toys, wiping noses and faces, playing catch, driving to and fro and to and fro, praying, scrubbing dishes, tucking in, playing tag, folding socks, breaking up fights, opening slammed doors, sorting toys, listening to whines, mowing yards, sighing but smiling, being a friend, and the other million times infinity amazing things that moms do.
I remember you. I remember you today, tomorrow, on Mother’s Day, and then on Monday of next week when you press on again.
And to you, today, I thank.
Thank you moms whose lives aren’t perfect but just keep on going. Thank you moms whose Mother’s Day doesn’t look like what they imagined. Thank you moms in those calm places in life.
Thank you moms.
Thank you for giving of your life and for loving those children and for pulling up your bootstraps and looking for the little things in life to love. Thank you.
You are the definition of brave.
Onward, brave mother. Onward.
And thank you. Thank you for all you do.
~Rachel
52 comments
As I sit here (hiding in the bathroom) and read this through tears….thank-you a million times…I needed this.
Oh how i need to read this today. Thank you!
Can’t agree more.
I just put…”SOOOOOO glad the day is finally over ” as my status.
This is spot on. What made me break down was the paragraph thanking moms for all those things some never acknowledge and never will. And really? That’s what we want, not a “perfect” day, but knowing someone who matters “gets it”. No, not a poor me or pat on the back for doing my “job”, just acknowledgement. SOME gratitude would be awesome but truly just someone acknowledging how much is given day in and day out would feel great. Thank you for saying the things I constantly hope to hear from my husband even my own mother. (even though I know they NEVER would), thank YOU.
Hang in there
As a mom of 4 and only receiving 2 Happy Mother’s Day wishes, I too can to tell you about the hurt. Not just on Mother’s Day but everyday through the year, See I have 2 children that have stopped speaking to me. Sad part is I don’t know why. 1 -son 10+yrs 1-daughter 4+yrs. I pray for reconciliation everyday.
I want to say Thank You for being real. Mother’s Day or really any day is what we make of it. Being thankful for what we do have now, what we have had in the past. And trusting for what we will have in the future.
I’m trying to teach my girls to look at all the hubub with a critical eye so they know they are important to me everyday, not just when they give me a present because it is a certain day on the calendar.
You got it right. Thanks again. Happy Mother’s Day to you.
I tell everyone in my house that it isn’t important because if I can’t be treated special every other day, it doesn’t mean anything. Does that seem selfish?
Happy Mother’s Day to you, too, Rachel! Thanks for helping me feel better about myself as a mommy. You are a tremendous blessing!
Gosh! You haven’t made me get teary eyed in a while.
Cuz let’s face it: that perfect mother’s perfect life doesn’t exist. Not even for one fabricated day.
And I agree w the previous comment. Moms should be treated special every day. There shouldn’t have to be a hallmark day for everyone to realize and appreciate all we do. And I’m so, so thankful for this blog and for someone who acknowledges the roller coaster job moms have!
Thank you for being so real, so honest.
I agree, it may not be about a particular day–as much as I love celebrations of any kind–it’s about making sure all the mothers who touch our lives know of your genuine love for them! It’s easy to look back after they’re gone and be grateful for all they did for us, but if your mother is still alive, make Mother’s Day the day you start letting her know every day that you love and admire her! Sometimes I wish I had been more diligent in letting my sweet mother know all she meant to me!
Thanks for your insight!
Mary Wilding. http://www.mytributejournal.com
so … i don’t really want to be sitting here with tears but what a beautiful, thoughtful post.
i’m not where i had hoped or intended but i’m here. i am a mom to a beautiful boy. he’s the greatest thing i’ve ever done and i hope that i can continue to improve for him. as long as he thinks i’m worthy, i guess it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this post.
Thank you for blessing me with your words. So needed this right now. Happy Mothers Day!
Continuing to pray!
Psalms 46:1-5 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah. There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.
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What a terrible article that misses the mark for some children of “mothers”. Yes, Mother’s Day hurts. It hurts a lot of people, but not necessarily the mothers. It is the children of the mothers. I am an adult now 50. I have a “mother” who had better things to do when I was a young child. A “mother” that had no business conceiving children. A “mother” who split when I was 9 years old to go live her carefree, partying life with all of her boyfriends. A “mother” who was never there for me when I needed her to be a “mother” A “mother” that had and still has no clue how to show or offer love, affection, or nurturing. A “mother” who left me with a “father” who was emotionally unavailable, neglectful, emotionally, mentally, verbally, and psychologically abusive. Today I have to endure Mother’s Day rubbed in my face with TV commercials, billboards, Internet ads, newspaper ads, etc. about how great our mothers are. We need to talk more about how Mother’s Day hurts, and more than just a bit. How it hurts not the mothers but the unfortunate children of those mothers. The children who suffer through depression as adults. The adult children that struggle with relationships, love and affection, because of mothers who failed at their responsibility of a mother. Yes, Mother’s Day hurts, and it hurts more than just a bit, and it is more than the “mothers”who feel hurt on this day. We should create a holiday for those people to acknowledge and celebrate all the mothers (and fathers) who failed their children.
I read this article today because I am an adoptive mother of two little ones who mean everything to me. But Mother’s Day still hurts. It kills me actually. Why? Because when I was 21 – I gave birth to the most wonderful little boy – and I was so messed up that I didn’t know how to be his mom. So my sister adopted him. I was in therapy for more than 10 years before I accepted that maybe I wasn’t evil for not being able to raise him. I didn’t believe that I had any right to be anyone’s mom – much less be happy while being someone’s mom. So the day I first became a mother is not something that I choose to remember. Not at all. I realize our situations are not the same – and I hope that you find peace. I guess I just felt compelled to share.
Get counseling. Your grown get over it.
You are entitled to write those words ‘get counseling’, but you should be woman enough to put your name on it. ‘Anonymous’? Really?
Motherless
Beautifully written! Yes.. my mother never cared when I was in critical condition in the ER, never came to see me as I miraculously survived, told me at 18 to get out and never come back, I was not welcome,” befriended a man who beat me so bad I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance.. she thought more of him than me..I could go on and on…and now as a mother I am not remembered on Mother’s Day… can I not wonder what I did wrong? So I’m glad the day will soon be over.. all I can do is just go on…continue to pray and study His word that I my walk closer in His footsteps…
Oh sending you so much love. You are important, valuable and none of that was you. I’m grateful you wrote me.
Rachel
Thank you so much for writing this! It meant a lot to me. I felt prompted by the Lord to check your blog before I went to bed, and now I know it’s because He wanted to comfort and encourage my sad heart with words of love and truth. Right before I read this I had been praying to God, sharing with Him how hurt I felt about the way today (Mother’s Day) went, and I believe He used you to answer my prayer. He uses you often in my life. =) Thank you for loving and serving our Father so faithfully! Happy Mother’s Day to you!
The greatest comfort we can receive is knowing that the Lord is our refuge! Praying!
Psalms 46:7, 10-11 The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.(10-11) Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.
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Dear “motherless” who commented that this is a terrible article. I’m your ‘sister’. I had the same start in life. I am also your age.
Secretly I would look upon friends’ families with jealousy. Secretly I’d detest and rebel against any ‘holiday’ that recognized family and traditions.
Eventually I realized that the family I was born into had no business ruling over and ruining my life – negativity and bitterness. Life is just too short.
I recognize your sadness. I know your struggle.
I will pray for you ‘sister’, pray that you find your way to put that bitterness behind you. Pray that you heal. Pray that you discover the joys of living, long before your final breath.
I really did need to hear this, so thank you. The sting of not feeling adequate -as a Mom,as a wife- truly hurts. I just don’t know where to go with those thoughts and feelings. I give them up in prayer only to reach for them again, through a husbands comment or look, or a child’s rebellion. Thank you again for the sweet reminder of what is not overlooked.
I really did need to hear this, so thank you. The sting of not feeling adequate -as a Mom,as a wife- truly hurts. I just don’t know where to go with those thoughts and feelings. I give them up in prayer only to reach for them again, through a husbands comment or look, or a child’s rebellion. Thank you again for the sweet reminder of what is not overlooked.
Love the cute boy!
I miss my mom on Mothers day
Mother’s day does hurt for all the reasons listed above as well as the ones not listed…I’m a Mom who’s not a Mom…you see I have children but they do not live with me for their own protection (from their father).. I did what was best for them and let them go because as long as they were with me he would never let them be… So Mother’s day hurts..it’s a reminder of what I am but never will be!!
Love the Post, Really Touchy one………Mother is the one who cant be compare with anyone. Love You mom.
Fertility Treatment Center
Such an amazing and powerful post! I’m not a mother but can definitely still appreciate your sweet words. <3
Made me cry I needed to read this
Thank you to a single mom married to a prisoner who is in for decades as I raise six alone.
Quit your whining. At least your mother is still alive to celebrate Mother’s Day with. You know when Mother’s Day hurts? When your mother is dead. Get over yourself.
So true and when you have also buried a child. I could go back through my life at all the times I was hurt and let down but I choose to remember and cherish the good instead of dwelling on the bad. I usually cry on these “special” days… Most often because I feel forgotten. There’s no children visiting or gifts to unwrap or flowers to smell. Yeah times I feel cheated BUT I got to be a Mother and a Nana and I know I am blessed. I got a card and text from my oldest son and I awoke at 6:15 to my precious “little girl” who is 35 and has Down Syndrome saying ” Happy Mother Day Mama.”
H@ppy Mother Day to all. I choose to be blessed.
I just love this–celebrating the real. Around here Motherhood can be quiet “real” sometimes, and even though it is difficult to celebrate that you are totally right, we should.
As I sit on the couch, in between tears of frustration as I call doctor after doctor trying to find a pediatric neuropsychiatrist for my son, your words remind me that motherhood isn’t perfect, it can be painful to watch your child suffer, it sucks to feel helpless but motherhood is such a glorious and wonderful blessing and I just need a moment to cry…
Now, I’m ready to pull up my boot straps again!
Thank you for your words…thank you for writing what so many of us feel….thank you for understanding~
I celebrate Mothers Day because my mother is my best friend…that is the only reason. Let me explain and thank “sister” for giving me courage. I am an addict in recovery and when I was using I trusted in my sister to take guardianship till I cleaned up. Today it has been fighting through court to even see my only child. It’s cuz she doesnt want to give him back to me.I have been and to date sober but she has money so she has hired a great atty. I was given a state atty.I have never been involved in DCF,therefore we are going through court. She wants to terminate me and keep my child. She has not allowed me to talk on phone nor can I visit. It has been almost a year since I have seen him. She is trying to sever the bond ee once had. I am sick on holidays,his birthdays, and Mothers Day. I pretend I am ok and pray God knows what is happening. Reading these stories really opened my heart to admit that I truly do not enjoy this day. I have never said it without guilt. Thanks and God Bless All
I love MOTHERS DAY! I always have. My grandma has been gone since April 2006, my mom is still alive. My X has always made my 2 girls call his wife MOM since they married in 1999. I did my best for my girls but ALWAYS got hurt by them, no matter what I did. I married my third husband in 2007, the best gift God could ever bless me with, besides my girls. My husband served our county for 30 years as a US Navy soldier. We fought & won in court for the custody of my stepsons, whom I call my sons. We’ve had them since February 2009. My girls, 25 & 22, cannot be replaced. But, God did send a sweet & precious girl my way that I love and I call her my adopted daughter. She gave me the sweetest gifts today. It hurts when a mom is hurt by her own children, however, God will some day open the blinded eyes, even if it’s too late and I am no longer here. I thank God for the peace that surpasses all understanding. To every daughter, you only have 1 mom, love her while you have the chance bc we are not promised tomorrow. Be blessed in Jesus name
Julie ✝💜👼🏼💐
Thank you Rachel! Sincerely!
You’ve articulated exactly why I’ve been feeling miserable all day today and trying to hide it from my kids so they don’t feel bad.
It has been a regular day for me with breaking up the kids fights and nagging them to do the simplest things. Throw in some Mother’s Day crafts and mini-wheats with coffee in bed and it has been a regular day. I know I need to lower my expectations and be grateful for the little things. It’s just so tiring…
I looked at your site earlier today and this entry was exactly what I was looking for.
Again, thank you! ❤️
Thank you. My daughter ran away 2 years ago and I miss her more than ever. Thank you for posting this because this day hurts and no one around me understands what I’m going through.
There are so many times your post offers echoes my inner thoughts, but today’s post , reached inside to exactly where I am in this moment. I am sitting here with tears running down my cheeks after I completely hear my own voice and words through yours. It helps to feel a bit less alone and to help try to keep things in the right perspective. Thanks for being brave enough to talk about the real moments of motherhood, including the ones that hurt.
I have cried all morning long. Yesterday was Mothers Day and I received not a hug, not a card, not a flower. Feeling like I must have failed somewhere along the way. I did get bad attitudes and a lot of bickering. :'(
Today i will wipe my tears and continue to show love and just be grateful. It’s hard. I love being a mom just not sure I am a very good one.
Thank you Rachel….today of all days I needed this. This mother’s day was one of those….not even a card. And today, the day after I spent most of the day in bed crying through the hurt, I got up and was back to Mom. As it always is…..as I’m always grateful to be. Even when it hurts. Thank you so much for understanding the “real”.
Wonderful blog. Thanks for sharing. I’m not sure who said it first but I love this……. The greatest thing she learned is that there’s no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one.
<3
Beautifully written! Thanks for penning your thoughts. I always feel this day is not so happy and joyous for many women for various reasons, but good to read you acknowledging and encouraging them… 🙂
I try to instil values like care and kindness in my family. Every year this day makes me feel small. Nobody makes a fuss of me so instead I protect myself and I go to my mother to show her I care. She’s elderly now and every year may be her last mothers day. I feel a duty to her. my children do not share a sense of duty and so I steal from them the opportunity to show thoughtfulness towards me on this day because they haven’t in the past. I love them a little less on this day because that’s how I get through.
OMGoodness!!! Thank you!
You have put into words that which has had me on an emotional roller coaster for the last couple of weeks.
Dreading today…
For this will be my 1st Mother’s Day being motherless and less of a mother to my only child!
My mother died two yrs ago, though really it’s been 40+ yrs since I lost her and I’m only 54.
For the past 32 years I’ve celebrated Mother’s Day with my daughter, who became a mother herself, 3 yrs ago.
My 3 yr old grandson is my heart. They lived with us until Oct. 2018, when she left with him amid accusations and lies, which nearly destroyed us. Though her plan was to keep him from us in order to inflict the ultimate hurt / revenge, his father has included us in his family life, allowing us to remain in my grandson’s life, for which I am forever grateful!
I’ve not wanted anyone to know how much pain this day is causing me and had anyone asked me I wouldn’t have been able to answer, for I hadn’t the words, until I read your post. Thank you for giving life to my thoughts & feelings. I really needed some help and you provided it!
Forever grateful!!
God you hit the nail on the head. I needed this so much. At times I hate being a wife, a mother….I feel like shit. I feel like I’m doing such a terrible job, my dr tells me I wish you could see what I see when I look at you. But I don’t. I feel fat, ugly, tired, moody, so angry, bitter, used, walked on, I feel like a loser. Thank you for this article.
I appreciate your honesty and openness. I really like the post; it’s very touching. Mother is the only person who cannot be compared to anyone else. I adore you, Mom.