permission to step back and take a snow day

Minnesota is covered in a thick layer of snow and ice this morning. All night I could hear the sleet hitting the windows and could see the trees begin to bend under the weight of water freezing on their branches. The heavy ice kept falling, kept coating the entire Minnesota world.

It’s a bit like myself. Too much on my shoulders, more coming, feeling heavy, and sometimes overwhelmed. Yet, it’s not just things to do, it’s me — thinking I’m not good enough or I didn’t get enough done or I’m failing or on and on.

I turn on the computer and am greeted by a long scrolling list of schools that have closed. With childish anticipation, I start to scan the list looking for our school district, hoping that it’s listed on that list. Even though we homeschool we still take snow days — I made that promise to myself years ago when I first committed to homeschooling.

Yesterday, in one of those I’ll never catch up moments, my husband told me to just stop. Step back. Re-evaluate. He looked at what I was trying to accomplish, and my time, and told me that honestly I just needed to take a day and plan. And in a moment of sweetness, he told me to really look at all the thoughts buzzing around in my head — the negative ones, or discouraging ones, or overwhelmed ones — and to take time to deal with them. He told me that perhaps the busy was a way to hide.

There it was. Our school district with the words closed next to it. A snow day. I was like that 10 year old kid again who would wait for the phone call or announcement on the radio stating that her school was closed. The day would seem full of possibilities — options, ideas, freedom — all because we were given permission to take the day off.

So this morning, in a collision between the reality of the snow day and the discussion with my husband I reached that place where I gave myself permission to step back. Regroup. One can only run so long and so hard before there needs to be a breath, a drink of water. For me, it has less to do with things on my plate and more to do with re-organizing what is on my plate. And even more than that it has more to do with actually paring back. Letting go of some things that I want to do. And even more that that it has to do with letting myself be still and thinking and praying.

It’s giving oneself permission to take a day, an hour, ten minutes, to assess and regroup.

We work hard. Us mothers, and wives, and women. From the moment I wake till the moment I go to bed I work. And then, often, in the middle of the night I’m woken up and then I work. I love being a mother, and wife, a writer, and friend — but there are times when I need to give myself permission to take a snow day. I need to let myself step back, to rest, to plan, to reorganize, to learn, to laugh — and not feel guilty.

I don’t know about you, but so often I feel guilty when I’m not working. I’ll think about what I could be doing or should be doing or haven’t gotten done or need to do.

There is no joy in guilt.

Instead it creates chaos. It’s like that ice that’s coating my trees outside. Trees that in the summer are full of life, and yet now are weighted down with layer upon layer of frozen water. Here’s the irony. Water is good. We need it in our lives. But frozen water, ice on trees, that’s actually damaging. Too much.

So today, on the snow day, I’m giving myself permission to really look at all the good things in my life and to assess what needs to be let go of. It’s this freedom, that so often I don’t let myself have, in taking time to reassess and re-evaluate. Seriously, it’s looking at the ice in my life, so much of which is really good, and deciding that in this season it’s okay, it’s actually needed to let some of it go.

The kids are still sleeping. I can hardly wait to tell them that today is a snow day and that we are not doing school. I can hear it — the screams of joy, excitement, the realization that they have freedom to just be today.

And I feel the same.
I’ve given myself permission today to take a snow day.

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