counting the minutes until bedtime days

Tonight I lost it.

Well, kind of in the you all go to bed and let me be kind of way.

Over the remote. The lost remote to the DVD/Blu-Ray/Online player.

Yes. That.

In some ways I’m really embarrassed. But in other ways I’m not. I’m not because sometimes we just shove under the perfect Pottery Barn rug of mothering that there are days that simply wear us out – where we have had enough. And tonight was that day. For real.

I know it’s just a remote. A stupid piece of plastic that controls an electronic thing that was the link between me and watching The Voice with my kids. But you see, it wasn’t just that, it was that I felt unimportant as a mom. I felt like if my kids really loved me they would put the remote back in the $3 wire basket that I purchased at Target with the point of always putting things back. I thought I made it easy for them, you know? I mean how hard is it to put it back where it started?

Well, truthfully, right before that I found a couple wrappers on the ground, the pillows thrown from the couch and Cheetohs (gasp, yes I bought them) crushed on the floor that I vacuumed this morning while they were at school. And earlier in the day the kids were fighting over a, b, c, all the way to z it felt. Silly things. And this was the morning where 7 minutes before we were to walk out the door my 4th grader informed me that he couldn’t find his blue writing notebook which had in it his rough draft that was due today. Oh yes, and more stuff, but, you know? I know you could probably insert anything from your own frustrating day to complete my story.

Sometimes being a mom is simply frustrating beyond belief.

Sometimes I want to step out of that house and run away. Just for a bit. Just to get a point across.

(But I’d probably get in the car and drive to Starbucks and get a latte and drive back.)

When did I equate being a mom and them loving me with all of that stuff?

Isn’t motherhood about dealing with frustration like that and days that make you want to pull your hair out? Isn’t motherhood about finding wrappers and teaching them to pick them up and throw them away? Isn’t it about dealing with kids fighting together and talking about how we get along as a family? Isn’t it about working feverishly behind the scenes trying to get bills paid and food on the table and laundry folded?

I think I just get really really tired. Really tired of the same old thing.

Telling them to put the remote back and still not finding it there. I’m sure one of them was looking in it for batteries for the Wii remotes (which now have lost their backs because of the constant battery shifting) or something. But, sigh, after a long day of frustrating things that started at 6:27 am I think at 7:46 pm I had enough.

Do you guys love me?

That’s what I said to those three boys who were waiting.

Tears friends. Because in that moment of motherhood I just wanted it easy. I just wanted to sit and chill. I expected easy versus expecting the reality of motherhood.

Motherhood is a whole bunch of showing up for craziness.

We want our kids to be tenacious and go-getters and fighters and independent thinkers and then, then in the moments where they exercise that soul part of themselves we wonder why it can’t be easier. We want them to pursue their dreams and to learn to be brave. We want them to learn responsibilities.

What I dealt with tonight?

That IS motherhood.

Motherhood is a whole bunch of not easy moments.

In fact, I am learning to realize that days like today, while annoying and frustrating and aggravating, are actually the most normal days of motherhood. No where was there a qualification that our kids ONLY  love us if they are perfect. Their love isn’t demonstrated by wrappers left on the floor or by lost remotes or all of that. They just love us despite all of that stuff.

They will look back and love us because we cared enough to keep on pushing on our worst and most frustrating days. They will tell stories of I’m surprised my mom didn’t run away because we were crazy to their friends. And one day, they will be proud of us.

Because we stick it out on these days when we count the minutes to bedtime.

So here I am writing now. Watching The Voice on my computer instead of the television. Hugged my kids. Offered $10 in reward money to the individual who finds that pesky remote. Said goodnight to them. And learning to try again and again and not being so unbelievably surprised when a frustrating run away feeling day happens.

I don’t really want to run away.

I just wanted to breath, a break, just for a moment. I just needed a moment of perspective to realize that feeling frustrated and overwhelmed and all of that means that I am doing my job as a mom. I’m working to raise kids.

And someday that  break will happen. Someday they’ll be old. My house will be quiet. The frustrating moments faded. The remote will always be put away. Bedtime easy.

But for now?

Now I mother.

And that’s what I want for you to do too.

It’s not the destination friends. It’s that journey.

~Rachel