The other day, in the middle of the day, as the house erupted in a mild form of controlled chaos – milk spilling, math problems needing answering, dishes waiting, to-do list buried under a half-eaten pbj on gluten free bread, phone ringing, email box dinging, laundry finishing, mom cry ensuing – I sat down in my much needed of replacing couch with my heads in my hands with that mom failure feeling.
It didn’t matter at that moment that I had written that dear mom who feels like she is failing letter. At that moment – that moment on a Thursday afternoon – I felt overwhelmed with my day. Alone. Like I couldn’t do it all and keep things running smoothly. I knew I needed to do one thing, and just keep trying, but I couldn’t understand why when it got a bit crazy I fell so quickly into the I’m failing today definition.
Sometimes it isn’t the huge problems – the finances, the relationships, the health – that can bring us to that point of feeling like we’re failing point. It’s crazy how it’s often the little things. Little things that tower up, like blocks one on one on one, until it teeters to the point where it will tumble.
Way too often our day is based on the success of hypothetical perfect motherhood success blocks that we’re stacking too fast, too quickly, blocks with labels, and ideas of what makes a good mom and then when it crashes we’re so quick to slap a label on our day as not working. It’s not failing. It’s just a reality of a life that is full and busy and with challenges and toddlers and dinners to make and errands to run and wiping faces and real, nitty-gritty, everyday without a break motherhood.
As I sat on the couch wishing that the milk that spilled onto the farm bench with the deep cracks between the slats of wood didn’t bother me I wondered why on earth these little things – these normal life things – made me feel so inadequate.
Somehow I thought I could control it.
You know what I’m talking about. Somehow all the magazine articles about organization and the pins about quick and easy meals and ways to keep your home spotless and facebook status updates with family pictures made it feel like if I just had better control over everything or a better plan or more patience or better and cuter storage options or less sleep or more sleep or a new planner or all of that and more then I wouldn’t be failing.
Motherhood isn’t about controlling everything.
In fact, motherhood is often about letting go of the frenetic need to have everything perfect and instead beginning to embrace making progress, and loving the little moments, and not defining worth on a pile of dishes in the sink or milk spilled on the floor.
Every single day will be different. The fabulous color-coded chart of chores will work one day and the next be met with incredible resistance. The favorite dinner of the month will fade. The clean bathroom will not last. Laundry must always be done.
What we mothers {and fathers} do that is amazing is when we stop, and pick ourselves up, and count to ten, and start again. We apologize for flipping out over the legos that are on the living room floor, and we read that book for the 417th time this week, and we make dinner, and we work on those math problems, we listen to their stories, and fold that laundry, and we know that we won’t be perfect, but that we love our kids and we’re going to fight for them.
Real motherhood days are when we brush ourselves off, find our smile, and keep going.
We can set the structures, routines, charts, simple steps and more, but parenting will knock most of those down. Find what works for you and your family. Embrace the everyday. Don’t expect it to stay perfect. Brush yourself off. Encourage your friends. Don’t compare. Love today.
And love them.
Even if they just knocked over your coffee…
We can do it.
The more we link arms and encourage each other to be real the stronger we will become.
That is a real motherhood day.
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28 comments
This is exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you!!
Love it! This is exactly what I needed to read today! Thank you
Wonderful! I had recently come to that conclusion myself, although not as eloquently delivered! I only wish my DH would let go of the control thing and embrace the little loves to be found every day.
Just what I needed to hear today, thank you <3
So encouraging! So, I know I’m not a mom, but being a sister to seven siblings (six of whom are younger than I am) and being homeschooled, I can relate with things not going as I would like them to. Sometimes the bathroom mirrors get dirty again before the day is even done and I can get discouraged. But, it’s not really about that, or keeping to a perfect schedule. It’s about loving my family, helping in the home, and not worrying if my schedule doesn’t go as I planned because life isn’t perfect. Thanks for this!
Blessings!
-Madi
I wish I could have a little ear bud in my ear with everything you write playing in my head at random points during my day. You are a breath of fresh air, Rachel! Thank you for your encouraging words. 🙂
I was thinking the same thing!!! 🙂
I love you! No joke! I had one of those days yesterday, where it got to the point I was ready to throw in the towel.
This post was just what I needed this morning. I especially liked what you said here “Real motherhood days are when we brush ourselves off, find our smile, and keep going.”
Now isn’t that the truth! (you may see this start spreading, because I’ve quoted you on facebook!) Thank you for the continued encouragement.
LOVE! Thank you for sharing! We know this, but it’s so easy to forget and become overwhelmed. A great reminder!!
Just found your blog, Rachel, and I have been so blessed here. This is truly a breath of fresh air in a web-wide-world of “10 steps how to get it together,” etc.
Thank you for giving grace to yourself . . . it oozes through your words here. It sets captives free.
Well said! And agree whole-heartedly
I needed this today.
Thank you – I needed this too today and I’ll TRY to remember next time I’m at explosion point with the tears (hormones a-plenty entering 8th month of pregnancy with difficult 3.5yo already on the scene)
I find myself daily trying to live up to the ideal image of a mother portrayed by the media, and in my own head as well. Its comforting to not be alone in realizing that although we may strive to reach those impossible goals, it’s ok when we only get half way there, or a quarter way there, or don’t even get started on the way there some days. Thank you.
Thursday was one of those days for me. Like you said, it wasn’t even anything huge, just a bunch of little stuff piled up until I just wanted to quit.
And, yes, the favorite meal rarely remains everyone’s favorite for very long.
Thanks for the reminder that motherhood isn’t about controlling everything. As a control freak, that’s sometimes hard to remember.
You have no idea how often your words have been a timely encouragement …. and again today.
Loved this post! I so needed this reminder that I’m not the only mom who feels like she’s failing and has to ask for forgiveness and has to pick herself up and dust herself off and start over- at numerous times of the day! Thank you, again! 🙂
Thanks for your words!
Wow! I just recently found your blog and I’m so glad that I did because this post – THIS POST – hit the nail on the head for me. I struggle each day to be what I imagine to is the perfect mother and just about each day, I feel like I’ve failed to meet my expectations. I’m slowly getting better and I didn’t realize until I read your post that it’s because I’ve started letting go (at least a little bit). Thanks for your post. You’ve made me realize so much. I’ll probably print it out and post it somewhere to read as a reminder. Thanks.
I was thinking when I read this that you should have sat on the couch and laughed! Yes, everything was going wrong at that moment but in the grand scheme of things, it’s okay! I need to learn to laugh more because it can really turn everything around!
We only need one refuge in the storms of life! Praying!
Psalms 46:1-5 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah. There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.
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I love reading your words of encouragement. Makes me feel so much better after having one of “those” days. We all have them and it’s good to know we are not alone. Thanks!
Oh how nice it is to know I’m not a mommy who is the only one feeling like this. I think part of the struggle as a mommy is looking around and seeing those happy faces on the other moms and thinking, I must really be insain or not love enough to have these feelings-everyone else looks so happy, what am I doing wrong. Thank you for these words-I will have to print them and put them on the mirror for those days where I think I can’t possibly be doing this right…now if only us moms encouraged each other more and stopped comparing ourselves to the point of envy then judgment…
Thank you… I needed this. I find myself more often than not feeling like a failure because I can’t keep up with the cleaning or make our bills fit perfectly in the budget when unexpected expenses come up. It’s a relief to know I’m not alone.
Thank you… I needed this. I find myself more often than not feeling like a failure because I can’t keep up with the cleaning or make our bills fit perfectly in the budget when unexpected expenses come up. It’s a relief to know I’m not alone.
Continuing to pray!!!!
Psalms 46:7, 10-11 The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.(10-11) Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.
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Just the message I needed today! Thank you SO much!
How could this have today’s date and I’ve already signed in twice? I’m confused!
Our only true hope is in the Lord! Praying!
Romans 15:4, 13 For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope. (13) Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.
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Trust me from mom who already raised my girls ladies! The fact that your worried if your being a good mom tells me you are a fantastic mom already! It all works out I promise you! All you can do is your best! And at the end of the day when you get that hug from your little ones..let that be all the confirmation you need!!