I run on empty.
I tell myself it’s not really empty and it’s just what moms do and I try to not look at that gauge that is blinking that it’s almost empty and yet I push and push and push.
I think it’s noble. The push. The forgetting of self.
The filling up.
And you?
It’s kind of the nature of our society to push everything until the last drop.
We wait to get gas till the light warns us that the tank is empty, we save the last drops of milk, we scrape the peanut butter from the sides of the jar – and we do the same with our self. We push and give and push and give and we often ignore the warning lights telling us to refuel.
It’s hard to remember that you matter when you’re exhausted.
In fact, when we’re exhausted it’s so ridiculously hard to keep perspective because we’re just trying to get the next thing done on the list of never ending to-do’s.
I look at culture and society from years past – I look at the fellowship that women had – time together, helping each other, that utopian idea of barn building and moments of breaks. We don’t seem to have much of that in our culture – especially the community. Instead, we have weeks that are crammed full – packed with tremendous amounts of things to do and pressures and deadlines and never ending to-do lists – and not much space in the hyper schedule to simply chill.
Moms, there is no guilt in needing a break.
I believe, Â in order to give, you must make sure that you are replenished.
Sometimes we don’t talk about that need. We brush it under the table and ignore it with I’m great and no worries and yet, yet we’re burning out.
If your tank is dangerously low all the time then you will lose sight of the beautiful extraordinary and yet still kind of ordinary role that motherhood has in your life and the lives of your children. It can slip into drudgery. And in the drudgery will come discontent, sadness, fatigue and disillusionment.
I know. I’ve felt it.
Oh my goodness have I lost the joy and happiness in life.
It’s when I starved myself from my own needs and martyred and felt guilt over saying no to the busy and yes to myself.
So I’ve learned to take breaks.
Yoga here. Coffee time. And then, a couple years ago, by an absolute gift, a week in South Carolina with some sweet girlfriends. We had grand plans – go dolphin watching, visit shops, tour – and yet, we spent hour after hour after hour sitting at the edge of the Atlantic with the surf washing over us. We just sat. And talked. And sat. And decompressed.
Moms need moments of still.
Let me repeat that.
You need moments of still.
Moments of you.
Moments where you can just be you.
Moments.
Now, I know it’s hard. I cried when I left home for those eight days last year. But, I came home better, stronger, and more intentional.
This post isn’t about hopping on a plane and leaving. It’s really not. Even though I know that there are somedays when that seems like the ideal option. And feeling that? That’s not bad – so no guilt for those motherhood days or feelings either. For real. We’re all real here and in that realness we’re admitting that there are days when we’ve had a crazy enough.
This is about recognizing the need for rest and recharging that is so easy to overlook.
You see, for years I didn’t give myself permission to leave — I’d come up with excuse after excuse after excuse to not take care of myself all in the name of motherhood. And I became worn out.
So today, Â I’m talking about being willing to recognize that some days it is okay to let the kids watch a movie and you grab your favorite book and a cup of chai and you just read. Maybe you schedule a date with your friends to grab coffee. Maybe you go in the backyard and work on your gardens. Maybe you stay up late to watch movie with ice-cream. Maybe you take the long way home. Maybe pizza is the answer.
Recharge.
You must take care of yourself.
If you don’t you can burn out. I did. I just didn’t realize it because I was so stubborn in thinking that the right way to be a mother was to never stop giving and I forgot to take care of me.
So today, I’m giving you permission to give yourself a break.
It doesn’t make you less of a mother. Not at all. In fact, I believe that by cultivating space within your schedule to take care of you that you will be a better, more intentional, mother.
I write. I play piano. I speak. I read. I garden. Â I travel. I drink Starbucks. And I have days where I’m super thankful for Hulu or Netflix or Minecraft. And that is all good.Recharge, sweet mother, recharge.
This is my encouragement to you today.
~Rachel
oh yes, and if you’re ever wondering if you’ve done enough read this. please. with over a million likes and millions of views, I’m telling you we all agree – you are enough. Â Read -> Why Being a Mom is Enough
34 comments
Oh yes… I often wait until my body, mind and soul are screaming “STOP!!!”. But as I get older and wiser and well, more vulnerable to the weight of it all…I learn to set that “me time” aside and protect it with everything I have. Beautiful post!
My two dear friends and I did just this a couple of weeks ago. They both came over early Saturday morning and we sewed ALL DAY. We just let the kids romp and play, we ordered out pizza, we just stayed in my sewing room and laughed and laughed and sewed and talked and had the best time ever! We were working on a service project for breast cancer. We had planned on getting together to do this all summer, but it never happened. We were always too busy. But finally, we just stopped our busy schedules and made the time. And guess what? The world did not stop turning. Our families survived. And we were recharged and invigorated by it all.
Such worthy encouragement and so gald i have found this lovely blog!
This post really hits home. As a working mother, I already feel guilty about being away from my kids so much that I couldn’t imagine leaving them for more time to do something for myself. I made up excuses all the time so I didn’t have to leave my children. I’ve recently started fitting in a 20 minute workout before I pick them up from daycare when I get out of work early, and I feel so much better. I am a better mother for it, and it has increased the quality of the time we have together. Thanks for your words of encouragement. I think all mothers should read your blog!
I find that homeschool moms struggle more than others. In the days when my sons were young, a trip to the grocery store alone was my ‘break’. What a sad mistake. Now that one is an adult and the other is 15, it is easier. Not easy, but easier. Thanks. I needed this one, and I know lots of other moms behind me who need it the way I needed it years ago.
I have 4 children and homeschool myself. It is tough.
Your comment struck a chord with me. I’m mom to a 5 and almost 2 year old, we’re starting homeschooling in a few weeks and my break is going to the grocery store alone, cleaning the house, or homeschool prep. I don’t know how to get out of the rut of getting “things” accomplished while my husband hangs with the kids. What do you wish you would have done and how would you have done it?
This was so me last night. My house and kids and homeschool were spinning overwhelmingly around me and I couldn’t seem to figure out where to start to get SOMETHING accomplished completely. I posted on fb “Some days feel like a losing battle! I wonder if I succeeded at anything today…” And my friend replied, “Kids still alive? Did they get fed today? Maybe a hug or two?:D You succeeded!” She was right. When my husband got home to help with the kids, I got out of the house and took a friend to coffee. After a talking, eating, drinking coffee, sharing our hearts, finding encouragement from the Bible, and prayer, we both left refreshed and ready to face our worlds again. I came home with such energy and relaxed frame of mind that I zoomed around my house and got it back in order. I went to bed happy with myself and my family and my house. “Time Out” is great for Mom! Thanks for this post! So very true. 🙂
It is very hard when you’re husband doesn’t appear to support this entirely. Monday was my birthday…so I took the day off. My hope was that our little man would still go to daycare…..we were still paying for it….but my husband decided he felt TOO guilty about taking our son to daycare so he and I could have a day to ourselves. Something we really haven’t been able to do since our son was born prematurely in May of 11. I don’t think he understands how badly I need just a little time away from my son! I LOVE HIM more than anything and we came so close to losing him so many times…but I’m tired!! The one day…my birthday….I selfishly just wanted to spend the day at home by myself and just do whatever I wanted to do ALL day!
It is okay to take a day and rest. I’m hoping that you’ll be able to grab more of these days — and it’s not selfish — it’s just real. When I’m worn out I don’t appreciate what is in front of me.
Blessings to you.
This is so absolutely true. I often make excuses as to why I don’t need or shouldn’t have a break, and really my whole family suffers for it. It is wonderful to be reminded that we need to take care of ourselves in order to take care of others.
Laura, That is what I realized I did — made excuses to step back. And then I was running on empty and tired and grumbling. Thankfully, I had some dear friends who convinced me to rest. And now I am so grateful for time to recharge, refocus, and rest.
Rachel
I would love nothing more than to have a break, sadly I just can’t. Theres no one to watch the baby and no money for daycare or a sitter, no family or friends nearby, and no car as my hubs takes it to work. I haven’t been alone, aside from 15 or 20 minute soaks in the tub once ir twice a week, since my son was born in April.
Check out a Mother’s of Pre-Schoolers group in your area. MOPS for short. Its not just for moms with preschoolers. Maybe there can be help with transportation and a fee waiver if the group charges one.
Kristi, keep taking that time. It’s a break, a reprieve, a time for you to refocus. And, I hope that as time passes that you will have more opportunities. Keep doing what you are doing.
Rachel
I love this. You are right, we need mom breaks sometimes.
~FringeGIrl
I love this! It is hard for me to do it. I almost never go anywhere without either my husband or kids. I feel guilty. It is all on me, they don’t mind if I am gone and love it when I return. My husband even says I need to go and have fun. I just can’t because I make myself feel guilty about it.
I have to work harder at taking care of myself in all ways, because I do take care of my babies and hubby. If I am not fully charged, how can I help get them fully charged?? Thank you, Rachel!
Thanks for your encouraging words. It’s all too easy to get burnt out – I suffer a lot from mothers guilt about ever leaving my son (just with my husband, as we live in a different country to family and so have no babysitter on hand) but have recently felt challenged to stop the guilty feelings and have some me time. I joined a gym, and those few nights a week of classes or just running on a treadmill, not having to think about anyone but myself is bliss 🙂 I keep reminding myself that motherhood does not = martyr & it’s ok to take time out.
Thanks for this post. I find your blog so encouraging to read, and am so often leave here challenged to be intentional and keep pressing on. Thank you for writing!
AMEN.
Kristi, I was in the same place you are about six years ago. Here’s what got me through it: when baby napped, I SAT DOWN. It was so easy for me to think that I needed to spend that time “getting things done”, and then when baby woke up I’d be even more tired and cranky! Instead I had to make myself sit down on the couch with a cup of tea and a book, and I just relaxed for that time. I still do that now, even though no one naps anymore. We have “quiet time” and Mama sits down and reads a book or naps! Take that time for yourself – you’ll be such a better mother for it.
And Rachel, THANK YOU for writing this – even though I’ve been doing it for years now, I still forget sometimes that it is not only ok, but important! 🙂
Know that I’m always here praying so very, very hard!
Philippians 4:6-7 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
My email address
This is amazing advice, but how? My world revolves around tube feedings, medications, IVs, pumps beeping, pulse ox alarms, therapists, doctors, specialists, equipment – and that’s just one of my four children. Then, the other three need my attention as well. There’s all the mundane and everyday tasks to tend to. It’s imperative that my house is spotless, my kids’ lives depend on it. It’s that or we end up spending months in the PICU. There’s no money left for days off, nights out, trips or extra babysitters – not that we could find one willing or able to take on the monumental tasks anyway. I know I need to slow down, I know I need to recharge, I know I need to do it for myself and for my kids, so that I can be there for them for the long haul; I just don’t know how.
Dear Shannon, I am hoping for moments tucked within your everyday where you can sit back, be still, and rest. I am sorry that the journey right now is so challenging – praying for space to breathe for you. You are amazing, really, you are – I just want you to know that today.
With blessings.
Rachel
I just got back from a five day trip to the Northeast with my husband, and no kids, visiting Boston and some surrounding states. I just got back, and today is my first full day as mom. I didn’t realize how bad I needed that time away to regroup, refocus, restore, and renew. I am so grateful to read this post and have affirmation after affirmation that me being gone was the BEST thing I could do for myself, my marriage, and my children. Thank you Rachel. I can’t wait to meet you IRL at Beech Retreat. 🙂
I’d love to take your advice, but how do you take time for yourself when there’s no family or friends to help and you can’t afford childcare?
Thanks!
My advice? As I’ve lived in seasons where I haven’t been able to get out is to cultivate time within your day/week where you can recharge. I love playing the piano and many times later in the day I’ll sit at my piano and just play some Mozart. Or I garden. Or I read.
It’s really not about getting out of the house, but instead the idea of creating space within your schedule where you can rest.
Blessings!
Rachel
nice pics
This post was just what I needed to hear. My baby is due in January, but I am a creative type too and I love getting things done. I have a hard time just sitting still and taking a break. My husband is constantly telling me that it’s okay for me not to be doing something every moment. I don’t want to get burned out when Clara comes; I want to teach her the importance of rest and quiet. Even now I can benefit from this. I haven’t taken enough naps during pregnancy and I get tired but then I don’t sleep well at night either. I need to start taking this into consideration before she’s even born and rest so that she can be strong and healthy and so that I am not exhausted and drained before she even gets here.
It’s true. But with 5 kids (6 and under ), a husband who works out of town, in a new house a new place, no family, no friends…I just can’t figure out how to make it happen. I am completely depleated and so often feel like collapsing.
I’m struggling with this. I totally give myself permissions get have a break. I left for 3 days for a conference. Right now I am at Barnes and Noble sipping tea…then errands BY MYSELF. I schedule weekly coffee dates. Weekly childcare to write in the cafe alone.
Doing it isn’t the issue.
But I’m struggling because I feel like it’s never enough.
Maybe it’s because I ran on empty for so long (my husband was gone for one year of my son’s life). There’s been so many deductions in the “recharge” bank that what little I can put in now that my son is a two-year-old just doesn’t seem to fill.
Oh it feels great…I come back so refreshed. Until the next upset or crying fit or my husband asking me a question like “what’s your plan for the day.” Then I just want to run away and be alone all over again.
any suggestions? Is this just a phase I need to get through?
This is me right now. I’m sitting in a motel room all by myself and loving the alone time. My husband is at home with our kids. I was really burnt out and depressed and just needed a break, some time away. I’m staying in a room with a hot tub and loving being able to sit in there, have an adult beverage, listening to music and now cathing up on my FB time. It’s been a day of heaven. Nothing against my family but I have really lost “Me” between the family, the home, work and life in general. I already feel better. Tomorrow when I go home I’ll feel rejuvinated and will be a better/nicer person for my family. Great post Rachel, and very timely. 🙂 Take care.
I am so thankful that you took a break, Karen. I’m just blessed that you shared that with us.
May today be wonderful.
Rachel
At the very, very most, I can leave home for 36 hours every 7-12 months if I can cover my daytime absence with nursing so my husband has help (he has bipolar II and can’t swing it solo as easily) but I try to do that. This last time, I was so burned out I was screaming over nothing so I scheduled a break 6 weeks in advance. I had to cancel it, but knowing it was there and keeping my eye on it got me through that patch of burnout when you don’t think you can go another hour let alone weeks and months. <3 <3