the real truth about divorce

Analytics don’t lie.

I went and worked in them today and found some interesting facts about my site.

Hundreds of people search this site every month looking for details about my divorce.

(And because of that, if you’ve searched divorce and ended up here, well now there’s at least a page addressing the questions and thoughts and wonder that so many have about my life. And, in fact, since it’s so wildly searched I even made this page SEO friendly so that everyone’s questions can be answered because it’s also googled quite often.)

momrest3.findingjoy Questions, right? Like how and when and what and all of that.    And pictures? Well, this is the only picture about it that I’ll give – me, my professional speaker, facebook picture. Because that’s who I am. I’m not defined by the rest.

So here are some answers.

The first one is this – yes, I’m divorced and I don’t write about the intimate details of it.

It’s a really personal part of life. And it’s not my place to divulge details that don’t bless my family or add value to this page about finding joy.

Sure, I write about my experiences as a single mom and what it’s like in this world. But the intimate details of what happened – that’s personal and private and I have children whose lives don’t need to be searched as well. I kind of like to think of it as the Situation Room of Life – there are layers of information that are deemed to be made public and it is up to me, the curator of this space to determine what is right for me and my kids with regards to that.

The second one is this – everyone has stories and things that happen. And I know my story is intriguing to many of you. I get that. I live this public life where so much of what I do or at least my deep thoughts about life and motherhood are shared with you. I write because I believe in the power of us growing stronger as a culture of women. So in all I write I write to be real and in that realness comes posts that talk about the crazy life adventures and mindset journey that I’m on. But, we all have stories and battles and being ashamed of them doesn’t serve any of us well. So I don’t live with shame. I live thankful for today and boldly and trying my best.

Don’t ever be ashamed of you or your path.

The third is this – divorce is hard.

It just simply is. And because of that I want to share with you some things to remember if you’re curious about a friend’s divorce or if you’re walking through one right now or are simply wondering about people who’ve dealt with one.

It’s plain and simple really unbelievably hard. There are so many things that you have to deal with – your own thoughts, dreams dashed, logistics, other’s opinions, financial stuff, kids whose hearts ache – that the best thing anyone not in the middle of it can do for another is to love them. I cannot even begin to emphasize how much love is needed during those initial days. Just love – not judging, not solutions, not expecting them to be better immediately, but simply just love.

Love them and give a tremendous amount of grace.

Like extra doses of it.

Because everything, even if it’s way better and the direction they needed to go, has all of a sudden been turned on its head. Schedules shift, burdens add and finding normal seems crazy hard. So grace. Grace. Grace times infinity.

Be a friend.


Be the friend that shows up without asking with dinner. Or takes the kids. Or just listens. Because sometimes answers aren’t needed but rather just someone saying it’s okay to feel that way. I’m here for you. That, please that.

And finally, I understand the curiosity and the wonder about those who go through divorce (or any hard stuff), but understand that it’s really hard stuff. It’s not easy and it’s not easy to have everyone wondering about it. I will, with that being said, share with you about what I’ve learned and that I’m way stronger than I thought and will tell you how much I value little things now and how I’ve learned to embrace the moments. I will remind you of how you are a fighter and how the things you do every day make a life difference. I will write about failing days and days where I’m overwhelmed and I will share my deep thoughts and insights and my heart journey. I will share about how I am working to find happy again and why I love that so many of you are on this path with me. The community? It’s a gift.

But how it came to be?

That’s just for me.


ps. Thank you ALL for being such an amazing community of real moms. I am so thankful for each of you and the encouragement that you all are to me as well. That is a beautiful thing, my friends, for real.


15 Responses to “the real truth about divorce”

  1. November 6, 2015

    Jill Vosberg Reply

    Maybe this will shed some light on why some might be searching? I am a long time reader in the sense that I read your blog when you were married and before things went huge for Finding Joy. Because of FB algorithms, I don’t always see your posts anymore, usually I catch up when I friend shares your posts on her timeline. One of your recent posts about being a single mom caught my eye and it caused me to wonder what I had missed since following you more regularly. I wondered if you had become a widow or divorce so I went to your blog and searched both to see if you had written about it. I found the one post that said you don’t write about it, respected it and moved on. Honestly, I was just wondering what I had missed, not because I’m nosey but because I’d be curious how you chose to write about it as I have appreciated your writing on other topics. I kind of wonder if others are searching wondering what they missed as well especially because you write about being a single mom. Blessings to you and your kiddos!

    • November 7, 2015

      Rachel Marie Martin Reply

      Yes — I think that is totally the case. I don’t think it’s ever with ill intent or malice or any of it. And since I knew it was being searched — specifically my name with divorce — I thought I’d just make a landing page so that if there are questions this is the answer. Sweet blessings to you, Jill. I appreciate you much.


  2. November 6, 2015

    Ashlie Reply

    Thank you dear Rachel for this post. Thank you for your raw honesty and vulnerability as you address the reality of divorce. It doesn’t matter what happened along the way and unfortunately with the entire world at our fingertips we feel we “need” to know the details of others lives- simply for the satisfaction of knowing. Thank you for maintaining integrity and showing your character. We are quick to share too much and can hurt others reputation all too quickly (regardless of who is at fault.) I have been so blessed by you over the past few weeks (since finding your page) as my husband and I journey parenthood of littles and this post reiterated my respect and appreciation for you. May you find true joy in the big and little things and find yourself blessed in everything you do.

  3. November 6, 2015

    aimee Reply

    i hear you. i’m there. i walk alongside you as i read your posts and they encourage me and some of them provide a sense of permission when some of these days just suck. thank you for being real and blunt and genuine.

    thank you for sharing your path… so that we may learn, live better, be stronger & grow amazing children for Jesus.

  4. November 6, 2015

    Jennifer M Reply

    So beautifully written! I just recently found your blog and I love it!!! Thanks for sharing your heart with us!

  5. November 7, 2015

    Martha Artyomenko Reply

    Thank you for sharing that, Rachel. That was beautiful.

  6. November 7, 2015

    Lynn Reply

    You missed the most important thing you can do for someone going through something so life shattering…pray! And I do….pray for you…every single day!

  7. November 8, 2015

    Sylvia Reply

    Thank you for sharing how difficult, and how private, divorce really is. I’m right there with you. It’s an unreal struggle that can seem to drain the life out of you. And then you still have to be Mom, Chauffeur, Cook, Bill-payer… etc. Caring and compassion from others, without judgment, can help ease the burdens so much!

    Even after so many years of being divorced, I’m just now learning to really “find joy” because it’s basically been about survival until this point, just making sure the kids are doing well in spite of what they’ve had to endure. Now, for the first time in my life, as they’ve grown older, I’m more able to work on making sure I really am working on finding joy for myself, because there is joy to be had, even when there are difficulties that we may face.

    One other thing I saw once, that helps me. “You don’t know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left.” We are all so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. And we can do the tough things, make it through some really huge awfulness…. because the sun will shine again. It really will. Promise. :)

    Thanks for sharing!

  8. November 8, 2015

    Michelle Reply

    I admit I was one who searched for your divorce, but more to find out how you dealt with it during the days and months that followed, not he details of how and why. Having recently been left with two kids and struggling to hold my head above the water every single day, your other posts are so inspirational, I was hoping to find the thing that would help me to tread water as opposed to nearly drowning :-)

    Thank you for your posts as they have helped to keep me going, and I hold my girls every night and am grateful to have them.


  9. November 10, 2015

    Maria Reply

    I’ve been reading your posts for awhile now and until I saw this I realized that I never wondered about your marital status. I will say that your posts helped me tremendously through my own divorce and through the days that I felt like I wasn’t enough for my kids, or that my failure in marriage was also a failure in motherhood… Somehow, knowing you went through the torture of divorce, and have the strength you clearly do to be so vulnerable, yet powerful and positive, and you share that strength with women everywhere, now your words actually mean more to me. Now you seem more human, and less motivational writer/Awesome mom!

    Thank you for sharing a personal part of your life… And thank you for validating my own choice to keep my story private as well.

    Cheers to you!

  10. November 11, 2015

    Eksi Reply

    I stumbled upon your blog when I needed strength when I was about to give up being a working mom with 2 daughters. I forgot what keyword I keyed in, but here I found your blog and has been reading it for the last 2 weeks. I didn’t search for “divorce” for sure :-)

    But your blog “findingjoy” is just what I need. Finding joy in motherhood :-)

  11. November 12, 2015

    Biljans Reply

    3 years later I am crying again as ny teen daughter hates my explanations and I am reduced to nothingness again… hurts more as I am now 3rd year psych student :(

  12. November 13, 2015

    Jenny Reply

    “So I don’t live with shame. I live thankful for today and boldly and trying my best.

    Don’t ever be ashamed of you or your path.”

    I want to be like you when I grow up.

  13. November 14, 2015

    K Reply

    I have never searched it but clicked on the post because I am now going through the legal battle and wanted to hear what you had to say. You are to the point and matter of fact. I need some words of encouragement but don’t want to hear another person candy coat it. I thought I might find a kernel of hope about it that I could hold onto. That is why I normally look at your posts.

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