too much virus, mom?

Some real.

Today I totally lost it. In my car, in the Target parking lot crying. Over the dumbest thing, honestly. Well, it’s not that dumb, but in the realm of “problems” this might not have ranked as really being that important. But in the midst of a pandemic and quarantine and jumping numbers and information that never seems to stay the same and normal all jumbled up like a messy, ugly thing – I hit my breaking point.

Listen. It was about dinner.

I had prepped for hours to have this cool dinner ready. I was in this amazing mood and then at the last minute – instead of everyone arriving when they were – the plans abruptly changed and the timing was out the window. 

Honestly, and I’m being honest, I started to cry. And then I ended up getting in my van and driving to the Target parking lot and sat there in the sweltering 85 degree temps with it off until I got so sweaty that I had to turn it on.

And the tears fell and fell and fell.

They weren’t just about dinner.

It was about this whole thing. All of this stuff. All of the fighting and frustrating stuff I see on Facebook. All of the news that never seems the same. All of the virus stuff which also never seems the same but which still scares me. All of the people I see who used to get along no longer get along. All the anger. All of it. And I would be not telling you the truth if I said it was easy.

It’s hard.

I worry. A bunch.
I worry about my family in Minnesota and my oldest in NYC.
I worry about money.
I worry about school.
I worry about my kids.
I worry. And then I feel guilt over worrying.

And then, then we all don’t even know what to share anymore because of the risk of it causing someone to lash out at us. So we bottle it up and tell ourselves it’s “no big deal” and then, then if you’re like me, a dinner timing issue becomes giant.

You know what I realized?

I could control dinner.

And when the timing messed up it was just another thing in a world that feels like it is spinning out of control.

Cue the tears.

At first I wasn’t going to share about it. After all, it’s minor and silly probably. And just the other day I was called “sheltered” and I thought this really didn’t help my case there. But then, then I realized that there are probably a whole lot of us who hit that breaking point over seemingly simple things and find ourselves crying in the Target parking lot. Or Walmart, I suppose.

So my friend, I’m sharing it in a moment of humility and rawness hoping that my heart and my honesty helps you realize you are not alone. This whole thing is awfully hard. No matter what the story is, honestly. It’s just plain and simply hard.

So let me remind you of a couple things:

Have grace for yourself.
Forgive yourself and others.
Let yourself feel emotion.
Share your heart.

Be real.

One last thing…once I came home my very sweet ten-year-old came up to me and said, “Too much virus mom?” I nodded to him and as he hugged me he sweetly whispered, “It’s okay, we all feel like it is too much at times.”

We all feel it.

It’s okay.

Sending you so much love my friends.

~Rachel
Finding Joy

pic from years ago when my boys were looking in the window of a Target…and it kind of feels like life now…like we’re looking in remembering and not knowing what step is next.