today, I kept going

Coronavirus Quarantine. Day I lost count. 

Today was hard.

I don’t know what it was about today. I don’t know if it is the reality of it all really sinking in. I don’t know if it was that I woke on the wrong side of the bed. I don’t know if it was the news. I don’t know if it was the noise.

All I know was today has been so very very challenging.

And it’s not easy to share the hard parts. Especially when you write a page about finding joy. But the hard parts, and the pushing through, are the places where real joy is found.

Joy isn’t always easy.
Joy isn’t always convenient.
Joy isn’t always cloaked in fun.
Joy isn’t always right there.

Joy, especially in a time like this, can take so much work.

At one point I was sitting in my closet staring out the window at the perfectly blue sky and the clouds passing through and I thought about how many days I never even noticed the clouds. I thought about how much I wanted normal to return.

I thought about how almost 20 years ago when we went through 9/11 how the sky was the same kind of blue and it felt like normal would never come back.

But it did.

Of course it was different, but normal slowly made its return.

It’s the hardest time when one is in the midst.
It’s this time.

And so I wanted to write about the struggle today. The struggle to keep optimism. The struggle to just be home. The struggle of realizing that normal might not return for a while.

Because I know I’m not the only one.

And today? Today I didn’t do much stuff. Not much school with the kids, not many projects, not any of the things you see that we could do.

Today, I kept going.

I kept putting one foot in front of the other. I let myself cry. I let myself feel. I let myself be a human.

And here I am now. Writing all of you. Because I know there is someone out there who needs to hear the truth – it is hard. Yes, yes it is hard. It’s hard and challenging. And we are brave. We are all brave. We keep fighting, keep believing, keep doing the right thing.

I see you.

You are not alone.

We will get through.

~Rachel

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