i don’t have it all together.

This is me.

You may see this picture of me and think that I have it all together.

You may see the new highlights in my hair or how sweetly my son Samuel is holding onto my arm.

You may see the makeup or the sweater or any of the outside stuff.

You may see me travel and speak.

You may see my instagrams and curtains in my house and counters that are clean. (sometimes)

You may see and wonder.

But if you know me and you could read my eyes you could see the real me.

The one who does not have it together all the time. Even though from the outside it might seem that way.

You’d see this instead. The one who worries. The one who feels so alone. The one who wonders if she’s doing enough. The one who gets angry when others act entitled. The one who compares. The one who looks in her kitchen on a Friday night and doesn’t want to make dinner.  The one who tries on a dozen outfits and decides she likes none. The one who frets sometimes until 2am. The one who races around every single morning and vows that the next morning she’ll get up earlier and yet the next morning she’s still racing. The one that sometimes feels bitter about being a single mom. The one that knows that bitter robs her of joy and so she fights it. The one that, well, the me.

The real deep down me.

The me that so many of us have been taught to hide. The me that wonders if words that I type from my head onto a WordPress screen on my glitchy MacBook Pro will matter. The one who worries about likes or shares and page views and wonders if she resonates. The one who worries then about money and putting food on her table.

The one who judges even though she tries so hard to not. The one who just wants to be real.

Sometimes we just live in worlds where we see the outside and forget the inside. We forget that so many of us are walking journeys that aren’t easy or ideal. We see the other moms who seems to have it all together and then we wonder why we don’t. We see and think that everyone else is happy and yet we can’t even make it through a game of Old Maid with the kids before we’re wishing to get something else checked off the list.

And sometimes all of this looking can just leave us feeling so alone in this life journey called motherhood.

What if you have a picture just like mine and you could see that underneath it all there is a real person – a person who doesn’t want to feel alone or lost or that needs a reminder that what she is doing matters?

Because today my friends, I’ll admit it, I really didn’t feel like I had it together. Someone has to say it, you know. Someone needs to say that there are simply days where it seems like everything what one is doing really doesn’t make a difference or that they’re living in a world of wishing and comparing and hoping that tomorrow they can have it together.

Because sometimes it just feels like it doesn’t matter, right? Does anyone seem to care that you made spaghetti for dinner with sausage as a surprise? They seem to care because they don’t like penne noodles. Does anyone care that you made it to the school pickup line at record time and you were running to make sure you did? What about all the times you gave up sleep and rocked those babies to sleep? Or the times you stayed up late for the teen only to have them get mad at you for doing that?

But but but… What about the times when you were courageous and brave and did the hard stuff for them? What about the times when you said no and chose paths that you knew would be hard? What about all the calls to the doctor or teachers when you fought for your kids? What about all the times teaching things? Tying shoes, alphabet, driving and how to get along with others? What about all the tears that you tucked in and just kept going?

What about all of those things?

Do you see the power and awesome and great and the having it all together in all of those things?

Because sometimes I forget to see it in my own life and think that I can’t do it or that I’m messing up or I get mad at myself for crying or feeling overwhelmed. And those are the times when I get sucked into thinking that I am the only mom on the face of this earth that can’t seem to keep it together all the time.

Which, as I write that out, seems ridiculous because I was instantly reminded of potty training days and how in my opinion they are the most trying times of motherhood.  Okay. Back to the point.

The truth is that maybe I needed to write this out to remind me of my own strength. Or maybe, just maybe you are the person that was supposed to read this tonight. Because, the truth is that I could be doing a zillion things right now. My kitchen needs to be cleaned up from spaghetti. I have doctors I’m waiting to hear from. I have kids fighting over whose turn it is on the computer.

But I for some reason felt that I need to write to say one thing.

None of us have it together all the time. In fact, motherhood is really a journey of learning that you don’t have to have all the answers nor have the perfect responses all the time or have it together every single second to make it matter. In fact, motherhood matters because you love and give and love yourself even for not being perfect. Yes, that.

I think that’s it. I don’t really care if this gets a million likes like Why Being a Mom is Enough or if it gets one and blesses one person. Do you know why? Because if you are that one person then you are the reason I stopped my own crazy dialogue of overwhelm and decided to write truth to both us. Maybe I don’t have it all together, but you know what? Maybe I really do. And maybe you do too.

I believe in you. 

(that made me teary)

I really really do.

From one not having it all together all the time mom to you.

~Rachel

#findingjoy