There’s a ridiculously lonely space in motherhood.
I call it the space between little kids and graduated kids.
Also know as the teenage years, but that seems to earn it’s own title of oh you have a teenager and loses the title of oh my your hands must be full. Trust me, our hands are full, just in a crazy different way. Somehow that latter thinking makes it seems like us moms of teens have all of the answers and are just on the home stretch.
If this is the home stretch it is a bumpy, dark middle of the night drive, with everyone sleeping in the back of the van or telling me they’re hungry or late and I’m not quite sure where I’m going. Not only do I not fully know the direction, I am also low on gas, the phone is ringing and when I ask for help all of a sudden they’re too busy. Oh yes, and I am tired. Not that newborn sleep deprived tired, but the kind of tired of not really getting sleep for the last twenty or so years and putting your heart out there hoping that all the time you gave and still give matters.
I think that’s the real tired of a mom of teens.
We have this tension of clinging tightly to the last moment and proudly letting go and still hoping they make wise choices. We no longer have this tapestry of time in front of us with our kids, but rather now, there are days when the college applications pile up and the bills morph into car insurance for them and our time is spent sitting in bleachers cheering and instead of wondering when they will learn and grow up we are now wondering what in the world they will do because they’re about grown up.
And in case you’re wondering – that’s pressure too – that and what is your child going to do after high school kind of pressure. It’s like some ridiculous game, in a way, and it’s way too easy to put a pass/fail grade on ourselves in those situations. I discovered the greatest gift we can give our kids is to teach them to figure out their own hearts and dreams and teach them to be financially sound – and sometimes it means college and sometimes it doesn’t and that doesn’t determine worth.
I don’t have all the answers of motherhood just because I have teens.
I had to walk those years. Try, fail, stumble, cry, rejoice, cheer, try, fail and again and again.
My oldest is 22.
Sometimes I wonder how we made it through, honestly. But, truthfully, it is the same, day by day, night after night, good day, bad day, just a day strategy as when they were young. I call it fake it until we make it. Because that is the TRUTH of motherhood. Who actually knows how to deal with a rebellious teen until you are the one behind the slammed door crying?
We may be seen as the experienced mom, but friend, we are experiencing a new place in motherhood. Hormones, dating, social issues and us letting the baby that once thought we were the queen of the world who now wonders if we are the worst thing ever go. And even if they don’t have the rebellion or slammed doors we are still now on the brinks of letting the person who once fit in the crook in our arm walk out of our door to their new home.
Oh the heart of a mom, right?
You love them so much you let them go.
But back to this teenage article drought: I tend to think that perhaps there are less articles out there about the teenage years because it’s just less instantly redeemable than the toddler years. You know, a toddler can make a giant mess or scream or make a fuss but at the end of the day, at least most of them, they’ll come running back to your arms. We can chuckle about the permanent marker on the wall or make a cute post back then. I’m telling you, teens are like Febreze and stinky socks and chip bags left out and Taco Bell and gym shoes and first dates and too much cologne all smashed into a package. That’s not exactly stellar for instagram.
To add to the lonely and tired we can go online and read post after post about color coding our schedule and making sure nap time fits and wondering about kindergarten, but when you have those older kids, sometimes it just doesn’t fit and it isn’t the answer to the kind of tired where you waited up for them to get home and you worried because they were driving.
You never know the mood you’ll receive. In some ways it’s like the terrible twos but with a whole bunch more of attitude that you cannot carry into a room and give them a time out. It’s kind of like playing the lottery at times wondering if you’ll be ignored or be met with grunts and one syllable answers.
Fine. Yes. No. Seriously. Fine. Ok.
(that’s the extent of the vocabulary some days….)
And if you’re like me – you’re tired, you feel like you’re winging it, your teens drive you crazy and make you proud, you worry, you stay up late and you feel like you don’t have a clue what to do. Well, except buy a whole bunch of food at the grocery store because they do eat us out of house and home. You show up, you love. You work hard, you hope. You learn, you try. You deal with them questioning your love as you give them more love.
So moms in these gap years of motherhood – I see you. I hear your heart. I feel the bittersweet letting go.
Just because we have teens doesn’t mean we don’t need friends or that we have all the answers.
We’re just in this new phase.
And it may not be as cute, nor as facebook worthy. We might not be sharing first day of pictures with handmade signs or strategies for the best Elf on the Shelf hiding spot. But there are things that are the same – the no sleep, the worry, the joy, the letting go, the giving of our heart. What matters isn’t perfection, isn’t a car without scratches, it is that you keep on driving. You keep moving.
Even when you don’t exactly know how this teenage story will end up. We just have to talk about it – just as much as we did when they were little.
It’s the feeling of alone that makes it challenging. But if we keep being the village, keep showing up, keep loving each other in this phase just as much as when they were little and we’d deliver meals – well, then, we can get through. And honestly, I think we should start up the meals for moms with teens….just saying…
Breathe, mom of teens, you’ll get through. And you, my sweet friend are not alone in the slammed doors, late night waiting up, text reading, bleacher sitting, college app applying, tears as they grow up journey. They still love you. Trust me. You might go through a giant drought of that love but there will be a day when they look back and think wow, my mom showed up for me.
I remember the day my oldest left and the day she was born and the memories in-between.
There isn’t a season of life, of motherhood, where I stopped loving, stopped giving, stopped trying.
And that sounds like you.
So mom in the teen years – keep on carrying you.
You’re changing lives. One pick up, one text, one talking about the hard stuff, after another.
~Rachel
If you’re looking for a book to challenge your thinking about motherhood and the patterns we get stuck in – my book The Brave art of Motherhood is available now. Get it here -> Autographed or Amazon or Bookstores near you
23 comments
Can’t thank you enough Rachel, for making me feel normal again
beautiful article. my oldest daughter turns 16 tomorrow, then my other 3 turn 14, 8 and 7 soon after. today i bought my oldest a key chain for her first car, and i could barely tell the employee what i wanted to engrave in the back of it, because i couldn’t stop crying. there’s an overwhelming feeling of “running out of time” when they hit a certain age. have they learned enough, have me made enough lasting memories, traditions. will they walk out the door and want to come back??! it’s so much harder emotionally than a colicky infant ever ever could be. this was exactly what i needed to read tonight.
That is beautifully written. Spot on. Even when they are young adults… same just different.
Thank you. My oldest is 14 and I’m acutely aware of the years until she leaves. I’m trying to take it all in.
Exactly what I needed to see and read tonight…thankyou
Thank you Rachel. Your wisdom brings hope to these difficult years of parenting two teenagers.
Yes, yes, so much this. Thank you for writing this!
My daughter is a total moody hormonal meanie! Needed this reminder.
Thank you. My oldest turns 22 next month and my youngest 18 in Sept. I am already freaked out by what will the youngest do in May 2020. My husband is excited for an empty nest, but I don’t think our sons are. 😊. I have realized they are in God’s hands and I pray that I have done enough.
I’m just now seeing this today, and I suppose with good reason. Thank you for this, I feel as though you have been peaking through my windows the past several years. As I type this, our oldest, a 17yo HS senior is enlisting in the Army National Guard. Its been hard path in getting here. Knowing that he has a good head on his shoulders, and a strong faith in his heart makes it a little easier.
There’s no rest for the weary though, his 6yo sister will be keeping us busy.
When my oldest daughter was 13, I had twins who were two. A woman commented to me how fun it must be having two, terrible twos. I replied that terrible two tantrums were NOTHING compared to a 13 year old daughter’s tantrums!!!!!!! This article nails it.
Now that the twins are in their 20’s, we have all survived.
Needed this today. My son is 13 and I sat in the bathroom last night and just cried. The reason? What a great kid he is and how fast he’s grown. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone.
When I run across parents with kids around 9 or 10 I try to gently let them know that the “terrible twelves” are coming but that is just a different version of the twos. One minute cuddly and needy and the next angry at everyone and everything. It’s the next big stage of separation development and in many ways similar, learning who they are and what they’re about. Knowing about neurological development in teens and what chemical changes are going on and even sharing some of that knowledge with them has helped us to mitigate some of the craziness and helped them understand why things feel out of their control sometimes.
Thank you, again.
-signed mom of 5:
21 and married,
19 and graduating,
17 and trying to figure it all out,
14 and sassy,
And 10 and easy going.
you are welcome
Thank you . Really needed this today . Last night I had the realization that I am drowning with stress and worry over my 18 year old and twin 14 year olds . It’s like I am going through the motions to “keep them alive” (feeding them, making sure they have what they need,etc), but in actuality, I am so tired and stressed that I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing anymore . Nice to know that I’m nit the only one.
As the mommy of triplet 16 years old girls , u can relate to every word you said ! The constant feeling of feeling stress , worrying and never knowing if I’m doing the right thing . The fear of losing my little girls is so terrible ❤️❤️❤️
The teen years are tough. So thankful for prayer.
http://wp.me/p8Si7Y-af
My kids are now 27 and 29 and the delights of my life. The teen years were relatively easy for my husband and me. Our kids were academically, socially, musically, etc., etc. involved and happy. And then they left for college and were about to launch as they finished college and grad school and THEN I fell apart. All that busyness kept me afloat and focused and their easy dispositions (mostly) made the teen years doable. My message for moms – tend to yourself and your relationship(s), so that when they leave home and begin their lives, you have a life and an identity, not quite so tied up in being their mom. It takes intentionality. Being a mom is the toughest job you’ll ever love.
I cant tell you how much I see myself in your words. My 18yr is out my house because of the disrespect that I could no longer handle. But of course it’s my fault. I find myself looking at his younger photos when I felt he loved me. Now I’m the enemy. His friends got his back and not me. A visit is non existent. My home is no longer his haven. I’m a lost Mom that have to some how gather herself to take care a 13 year old boy and 8 year old girl. My husband and I relationship is strained because I worry about the safety of my 18 year son while he seems to go on with no worries. I write this fill of tears and worry about how this phase will end. Thank you for your words.
My children are now in their 50s . I hate to tell you this but I worry about them just as much but differently. Now have they found the right mate are the good parents are the teaching their children about God are the good citizens? Same thing but different that is what being a mom is all about . Never retire from the job until the end .
Thank you for such excellent advice. I appreciate you. ~Rachel
What a great article! Thank you! I only have 1 teen girl, 16 going on 25, She thinks! Love her to pieces and am hopeful to get her to 25, thriving, happy & whole!