There are certain books in your life that can close yet still remain on your shelf. By sitting on the shelf they have the potential to be opened at any time. But I don’t need to be staring at The Cancer Diary, reading it daily. It’s been a little over four years since my husband finished treatment for cancer. Four years filled with awesome gifts and devastating lows. Not only does cancer affect health, but it trickles into every facet of one’s life.
Relationships. Finances. Friendships. Family. Time. Faith.
Todd – 2 years before diagnosis
Every headache, stomach ache, lump or pain raises flags in my mind. How can it not? Especially when I have our oncology doctor’s number in my cell phone file. Even last year, a simple nodule on the back of my husband’s neck caused the medical community to move at lightening speed. Instead of waiting weeks to watch it and see multiple doctors, my husband saw a surgeon within 24 hours of bringing the lump to his oncologist’s attention. And it was completely biopsied with path reports within another 24 hours. No longer is my husband’s medical complaints ever considered minor. He is, in fact, flagged for life. “You’ve had cancer?” they ask, and then move his chart to the priority slot.
I don’t want to live worried about headaches and pains. There’s no freedom in that mindset. So I’ve chosen to adopt this book mentality with regards to cancer. When I need to know I can open the book. I know exactly where we stopped so there’s no worry in losing my spot. But I don’t need to live with it staring me in the face. And that involves faith, and trust, and casting those worries elsewhere.
On the Lord. Daily.
I’m writing about cancer today because when I write it brings healing. It’s a part of who I am now. I can’t go through Caribou Coffee during Breast Cancer awareness month and not feel compelled to buy Amy’s Blend, or donate, or share some of my story. When I wear my Livestrong bracelet I want to share my story. And likewise, if I see someone wear one I am not afraid to start a conversation. In fact, there probably is not one week that goes by where m story doesn’t come out. When I read about others’ journies via the blogworld my heart aches for the trials and rejoices for the victories. My heart seems to be tuned in to hear that two syllable word…cancer.
family – 2 years after diagnosis
As the wife of a cancer survivor I’ve learned that I can be strong, and brave, and that I can feel deeply. It became so apparent to me that I was masking the pains and hurts in my life when Todd was sick. Instead of clinging to all the facades I had no choice but to let every one of my “I’ve got it all together” masks shatter at our Savior’s feet. In letting go, I began to find my voice, and I began to write. And in writing it gives me freedom. Freedom to admit that my life is messy, that I struggle, that I hurt, and that I rejoice. Tucked in all of those honest moments is a heart that continually strives to seek and bring glory to our King, our Savior.
Thank you to all who read my blog. Your comments are sweet and motivating. It’s an interesting thing, this blogging. My heart is put on the line many times…and yet I still come back, still write, still seek joy. Through it all I can boldly state that the Lord is good in all times….So again thank you. Will all my posts be like this? Nope. But there’ll be some because in remembering and writing there’s healing. Healing and freedom.
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If you know of any bloggers out there going through a journey with health will you let me know? I’d love to comment, to offer encouragement, and to lend an ear. I have been blessed throughout the years by various friends found through my blogging world. To all of you: Thank you.
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One last thing. Would you keep my sweet Samuel, the cutie from the paper or plastic pictures from yesterday, in your prayers? He’s got a fever today…and I’m sure he’ll be fine…but, I always value and appreciate prayer.
17 comments
just said a prayer for your sweet samuel! this is a beautiful post… you have a way with words (must be where hannah gets it from) and truly know how to share your heart. i admire that about you. praise the Lord for His healing!!! and praise Him for the fact that you don’t have to live in fear, but can live in complete peace!!!
Thanks for following and leaving such a nice comment! Strolled through your blog and admire your tenacity and faith!
Hugs,
Barbara
what a great post, you are about to make me cry. i’m so glad to hear stories about people surviving cancer. my little boy had a bump on his neck checked out this morning and they want to watch it and see…
that kind of stuff always makes me worried…i’ll say a prayer for you lil man!
Thank you for this post. I have never walked through cancer with someone so close. But I have known many who have. And yes, we do not have to fear for He is with us. But sometimes when you are in the midsts of it you can’t see clearly. I appreciate that you are so real in your posts and that you can admit that you have struggles. I think that is a beautiful thing. I believe that it is through our pain and times of struggles that many full see and understand God for who He is — full of love, joy, peace, and grace. I am thankful for your husband’s healing. Praying for your little one today. I hope he’s doing better.
Okay, first can I just say that Samuel is precious?! I hope he gets over that fever quickly!
Now, about cancer. No, you can’t just take any little thing at face value anymore, can you? My niece, who is now 12, was diagnosed at 10 months with an adult form of leukemia and that she is still alive today is a miracle from God. But every little thing strikes fear and panic. Then my dad was diagnosed with lymphoma last year and the floodgates were opened again. Cancer is a horrible thing and I’m so sorry that it’s struck your family. It brings about a new kind of “normal,” doesn’t it? Praying for peace, calm and healing for you and your hubby.
Rachel,
I wish I could sit next to you and hold your hand and give you a hug. (That’s my way of saying, “I care.”) It’s gonna be OK. Really. I have felt the way you feel. It’s been 8 years May 21 since I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It’s just hard. You wrote a great post, and you’re so right–your trust in the Lord daily is what will keep you. I don’t know when it happened, but one day I realized that I hadn’t thought about my cancer for…I don’t know, a long time. One day, I realized that I didn’t think of myself as a person who’d had cancer! One day, I realized I had to kind of remind myself that I had had cancer–I felt like a normal person. And one day this will happen to you, too. Until that day, may you wake every morning feeling more and more of His love and care. Just knowing He’s there. Thanking God that His lovingkindness is better than life. It’s ok to feel like you do, and to cry, and to be scared. It’s ok. You’re going to be ok. And Samuel’s going to be ok. Bless you, Rachel.
Want to get together for a cup of coffee? Anytime you want to talk.
We cancer-survivors have to stick together:) (You’re a survivor, too, you know. I’ve always said that it’s harder for the spouse of the one who has cancer, than the cancer patient, and both my husband and I are glad that we weren’t in each other’s shoes:)
Blessings,
Wendy
Faith’s Firm Foundation
http://www.wendygunn.net
Rachel – praying for little Samuel.
What an amazing tesimony! Just beautiful. i can understand what you are saying…i like what you said, “Freedom to admit that my life is messy, that I struggle, that I hurt, and that I rejoice.” i could not have said it better myself. i like your blog because i feel as though i am reading a mirror. i feel like i you are writing my heart. Keep writing – you are gifted. May the Lord bless you in your writing and always use it for HIs glory!
Zephaniah 3:17 says “The LORD your God is with you. He will quiet you with his love. He happily rejoices and celebrates over you with shouts of joy and singing.” i can see Him quieting and bringing peace to you – NOW, may you be able to hear him rejoice over you like never before!!!!
Know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers right now! And adding prayers for your little man!
Psalms 37:39-40 But the salvation of the righteous is of the LORD: he is their strength in the time of trouble. And the LORD shall help them, and deliver them: he shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in him.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Wow – what an amazing story and beautiful family. I’ll pray for little Samuel. Our youngest is named Samuel too, “asked of God” – he’s adorable.
You know those moments in your life when you cross paths with someone and in your heart you know there is “God’s Purpose” here, today is one of those days.Thank you for writing this and putting your heart out there. Let’s face it cancer is just awful & stupid it’s purpose is to rob,destroy & kill. AND then there is the miracle of cancer and that is when God’s hand touches your life and healed or not you will never be the same again. I know I will never be. Hugs my friend
It really does help knowing that we’re not alone in our struggles.. I’ll pray for your little Samuel!
Wow, I am blown away by you and your family’s strength and faith. I will be praying for Samuel.
I will be praying for sweetie-Samuel. 🙂
And what a lovely post, Rachel. I have no words. Hannah never really talks about that time…it must be so painful. But so strengthening. Your faith in God must have been strengthened beyond comprehension.
Love,
Bekah
Your resilience is inspiring, many blessings to you and your family! Thank you for visiting my blog and leaving your sweet comment.
Don’t they call it Wintersota in your parts?
Wow, you are a strong, wonderful person. I really could hear your heart and love for your husband in this post.
I just said a little prayer for your baby boy! Hope he feels better.
This was really powerful – it’s amazing how God uses trials in our lives to show us things we’ve been masking. That really spoke to me – thank you for sharing this testimony.
Praying for your sweet boy RIGHT NOW!
Your family story is inspiring.
Also, praying for your sick child.
God bless,
Warren