2:54 am

{I wrote this last night, and never hit publish till this morning. Debated with not publishing, but then decided to share those middle of night thoughts with you all.}

I’m down in the living room awake.

I was going to blame it on the constant thunder outside — and Caleb crying out because he was nervous — but I realized that I was awake prior to that. My pain pill wore off and has left me in this foggy (and slight ill feeling) state. With returned pain.  Which makes me wonder if I might just try to plow through these next 8 days with just ibuprofen….

But, the house is fairly quiet.

Oh, there are those little noises. The air conditioner running. The old computer. Faint thunder in the distance. Brennan sniffling (I think he needs allergy meds). And my fingers hitting the keys.

I had written two blog posts earlier tonight — posts about my journey right now and how I am going to have to surrender those schedules of mine. They talked about faith and fear and trust. From being able to get all the homeschool curriculum we need (since I’m probably not going to be up to selling all mine now) to realizing that this is just a season. A season that I’ve been trying to run away from. Avoid. Because, after all it is almost August and there is so much to be done in August to prep for the fall. Being forced to do a fraction of what one normally likes to do typically isn’t my choice of seasons to hang out in.

It’s not really convenient.

And then, as I was typing up an email response to my friend Amy @ Raising Arrows, it hit me so profoundly that this season is teaching me things. About me. And my tendency to create control in my life — from homeschooling to cleaning to organizing to perfectionism — and how really, I need to lessen my grip. Which is a hard thing to do.  Especially, like I’ve written about, when that clenched fist of control is sometimes there as a way to hide from dealing with deeper issues.

Like fear. Or not measuring up. Worry.

When it’s 3:08 in the morning it’s so easy to slip into sadness and worry. I know I’ll be tired in the morning. I see the pile of laundry to take down. There’s this mental checklist of things to get done. And, emotionally, well emotionally part of me just wants to worry. And get frustrated.

So I’ve let myself feel frustrated. Just for a moment. And then I’ve made myself let it go — praying that the Lord will take those feelings and replace them. Frustration to hope. Fear to faith. Of not measuring up to seeing myself as His daughter. And worry to peace.

The lightening is impressive outside. The sky is lit — even in the darkness of night. It reminds me of joy. And the goodness of God. Sometimes it’s there in the middle of the night, but you just need to be looking for it.

It’s 3:13 am.

And I’m going to try to sleep.

At peace.

{thanks for all the prayers for my shoulder. Like I stated in the post, I am scheduled for an mri this week. I just needed to wait until they have a doctor available as they need to use the mri contrast dye to look for tears deep within and this requires a special doctor. All the doctors have moved me to the category of “pain management” until I see the surgeon. I’m prepping myself now for what feels inevitable….and still seeking joy.}