{i wrote this late wednesday afternoon}
The tears just keep falling.
I should be happy.
At least I think I should be.
My surgery was a success.
My surgeon is happy.
And my chronic pain is significantly less.
And yet, here I am
sitting in my room.
Weeping.
Part of it feels selfish.
I’m crying because my arm might look different?
I feel like I should suck it up, pull it together, and be grateful.
Yet, I mourn that in order to get rid of pain
I had to change my arm.
Todd tells me it’s a fallen world.
And that instead of looking at the four scars
that will dot my shoulder with contempt
that I should look at them as something to hold my head high for.
He tells me that it doesn’t matter if my bicep looks different.
That instead of being ashamed of it
that I look at it as sign of victory.
I keep praying that.
But, friends, it’s hard.
I mourn being able to do simple things.
Like lifting my arm.
Or carrying my babies.
Buttoning my jacket.
Typing with two hands.
Washing dishes.
Oh, I’ll relearn all of this.
But, it will take time.
So I sit up here.
In this mixed up place of relief and sadness and thankfulness and pain.
Missing what I once had
But thankful for new things.
These earthly bodies, these temporary homes,
I’m so glad that one day I’ll be made new.
But until then, until that day,
I will look at the string of scars and silly looking muscle
with joy and gratitude and thanksgiving.
And I will not look back.
I simply cannot.
I can only look forward
grateful for new things.
I will press on.
{just wanted to add that today, saturday, i can button my coat. baby steps, yes, but still encouraging and motivating steps.}
17 comments
Oh Rachel, I won’t go into detail, as to why, but this post was EXACTLY what I needed to read today. I had missed that you were having surgery, but will be praying for your quick recovery…and that you’ll be able to continue to offer praise in the process!
Oh darling. It will get better.
I know how this feels.
Exactly… I had surgery on my face {Long story… it is all here… http://www.makaysjawjourney.blogspot.com... if you care} and it was hard to accept… I know where you are coming from.
And I am praying for you.
Makay
http://www.thebirdssay.blogspot.com
i think this sums up life here on earth pretty well: “In this mixed up place of relief and sadness and thankfulness and pain.” i am always amazed at how God uses this messy and yet beautiful life for HIs purposes and Glory. hang in there my sweet friend. love ya!
((((HUGS))))
Take it one day at a time.
If that doesn’t work, take it one hour at a time.
If that doesn’t work, then take it one minute at a time.
Boy, Rachel, that Todd sure is a keeper! 🙂 Hang in there!
Que Stevie Wonder…”You are the sunshine in my life”–everyday I look over and see a brightness over your house–even in the dark gloomy days like today!
Thank you for letting your words spill out. Praying for healing, mind and body.
oh dear one, my heart needed these honest words today.
you are lifted high before the throne today, sweet one.
Well, it is the baby steps that will keep you hanging on, believe me. The first time I could actually lift my arm high enough to fix my hair, I shouted. I thought I’d never get there.
I hope this weekend will bring even more baby steps in your recovery. Hugs!
several days after my surgery things seemed to take forever to get better, and then one day I started to relearn in leaps and bounds. Praying for you! God is good and will keep His arms wrapped around you.
congrats on being able to button your coat. I broke my thumb in a car accident and I felt useless because it was my left hand and that is the one I write with and use a lot.
I had to have my oldest daughter wash my hair and back.The day after the accident was my oldest daughters birthday, I could not dish out ice cream or cut her cake I felt so bad. But she said “Mom I don’t care, I could of lost you yesterday”. So true because the nurse at the hospital said If I would not have been wearing my seat belt I would not be here today. We also got hit in rear end of our van a flew in front of a semi and rolled 5 times. But It healed and I was so glad again for the little things I always took for granted.. you never realize how important your thumb or etc.. is until you can’t use it the way you usually do. I pray for a speedy recovery for you..
God bless ♥
Poor Darling, Rachel, I can so relate and understand your feelings. Thank God, even today you are taking baby steps which have brought you further along in your healing. Praying for your recovery to be complete and speedy. Blessings, Nona
I could only imagine your pain. Wishing you healing in your body and peace in your heart. Numbers 6:24-26.
Sweet friend – I can’t imagine suddenly having to relearn how to use a limb. I can’t imagine what you are thinking or feeling right now. What I can tell you is that so many of us are praying for you! I can tell you that He knows the pain, and all that you’ll have to relearn, and He’ll be there each step of the way.
Recovering from surgery is just plain hard. I think emotions are definitely raw. And if you’re dealing with changes like that…
Praying!
Lamentations 3:21-25 This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the LORD’S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.
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Praying for you today my friend. And I am thankful for your baby steps of progress.
Oh, sweet Rachel! Even in your suffering, you are inspiring.
Praying for you, that you find healing and peace in Him.
Have a blessed day!
I read your words and I can relate. It’s tough to be tough all the time. Hold our head up high, take what comes next, change the *another* poopy diaper, get up *again* at 2am to console a child when you yourself are running on empty. I have found that the Lord uses my weakest moments, the times when I can no longer go on…..to humble me. To show me how much HE cares. How much I really do need HIM. How lovely I am to HIM.
I pray the Lord will comfort your soul sweet bloggy friend because you are beautiful to HIM.
~hugs~ Cinnamon