It’s been 5 years. Five years ago, our family was led on a journey I never envisioned I would walk. Or, perhaps, I didn’t believe that I would be forced down this trail so young in my life.
It was five years ago that Todd told me he needed to go to the doctor.
When your husband wakes you at 2:30 in the morning and whispers those words to you — you listen. You wake up, even though there is a 6 week old baby sleeping next to you. You don’t care that you’ll be exhausted. You listen. And I did. As I did I heard the fear in his voice. The worry. The unknown.
And I was afraid.
I remember walking numbly into our computer room at our old house — it was then 4 am — and searching on google for diagnosis. Symptoms. The more I looked the more fear crept into my heart. So I tried to sleep, but there was no peace for my heart.
When I called the doctors in the morning everyone dismissed us. But, I knew. I knew Todd had cancer. I knew it at 2:31 am on the night he told me. I knew. But, I still had to fight. Doctors didn’t believe he was sick. We didn’t fit the statistics. Time kept passing and passing and passing. Drugs and ultrasounds and more doctors. Till finally, on December 19, 2005, at 9:48 in the morning, I was told that my husband had cancer.
I could have told them I knew that for almost 2 months.
But, I didn’t. I nodded and thanked the doctor. He asked me if I needed a chaplain to come up to the 3rd floor surgical consult room. I gazed out the window, at the light snow falling, and told him I was okay. Even though I was afraid.
How could I walk this road? I was 30 years old (there–now you all know my age). I wasn’t to journey this way till we were older. Where would I ever find the strength to walk this path. I wanted to scream that I felt that this was so unfair. First we lost a job. Then he gets cancer? I was angry. And numb. And tired.
He knew I would be beat. He knew. And as I walked the painful journey of sickness — seeing my soulmate so weak that he needed help walking from the bed to the couch — I was not alone. My friends rallied around me. Money came from unexpected places. Meals were prepared. My sister sat with me while Todd had ct scans the day before Christmas. I felt loved. Even in the darkest of times.
So as the five year anniversary comes closer and closer I am unsure how to feel and how to define our family. Sometimes I wrestle with even talking about cancer — and thinking of us as survivors — because I deal with guilt — because there are many other families whose outcomes were awful. I never know when to talk about it, or write about it, or think about it.
But, truthfully, cancer is part of my story.
For the next six weeks or so, you might hear a bit about that story. You see, it is because of cancer, and walking a road of utter dependence upon God, that I am who I am today. That path shifted my thinking — about life, about God, and about truth. It became less about me, and more about Him. Those are the things I think I’ll share. Finally. I’ve kept so much inside, and prayed about it, and now I think it’s time to write.
That’s me. Rachel, wife of a cancer survivor.
I am so so grateful for five years.
I am so thankful for your testimony through that most difficult time. Thank-you for allowing your lives to reflect Christ!
Thank you for sharing this story. I look forward to reading more of your journey.
What a beautiful testimony of God’s faithfulness and healing power. I look forward to hearing more of your story. It always amazes me to see how God works in our lives in the most difficult times to change us, mold us, and create in us a new heart, a heart after his own.
Wow. I can’t imagine going through that. It’s amazing to me how God can use those unbelievably hard times to mold us. Bless you as you continue your journey…and for sharing your testimony with us.
Your story is so touching…it makes me so thankful for my family and my health. I guess God gives you what you can handle…and he knew you and your family would survive. It makes you appreciate life everyday 🙂
Amazing testimony. Praising God for how He walked it with you.
Tears stream down my face after reading that. I agree, that is too young. I too am looking forward to your posts. It’s the hardness in life that usually draws us nearer to our God. We must praise Him in the storm.
Please look at this site when you have a chance: http://www.beinhealth.com
I may have told you about it before, but it’s a ministry in GA that teaches on the spiritual roots of disease and they have had a lot of success in the area of cancer.
Blessings to you and your beautiful family. I love you. Shalom!
Praise the Lord! You have nothing to feel guilty about. Rejoicing with you today!!
Oh, what a beautiful testimony, and dear sister, it is your testimony of God’s love. It is His story to share and He has chosen you to share it…looking forward to hearing more in the coming weeks! Your family is simply beautiful!
You have a beautiful family! I am so thankful that your husband is still with you all. Yes, He walks closely with us when we face terrible trials. Walking through Kara Faith’s pregnancy, birth, and loss was something I NEVER could have done without being led inch by inch by Jesus. So I celebrate with you today! He is good!ent
Your story is such a testimony of God’s faithfulness and goodness! Not necessarily because it has turned out well, but perhaps in spite of that! God is faithful and good regardless of the outcome in our lives and your testimony is amazing because you recognize that.
I’m reading in Ezekiel these days and am in awe of how many times God did something – whether blessing or curse – “that they may know that I am the Lord God!” And that’s what your family’s story has become – an opportunity for God to show Himself mightily in your lives.
Thanks so much for sharing, Rachel. May the Lord continue to bless you with strength and grace for each day – just like you have become a blessing and encouragement to me! 🙂
What a amazing story, thanks for sharing it with us, God is good!
Thank you for your transparency and willingness to share your personal joys and sorrows here. Through your testimonies, you have given me faith. Although personally not affected by cancer, I have more resolve to fight for those who are affected by it, and yet realizing that I truly am affected. Thank you!
You made me get goosebumps, and a lump in my throat. I am so happy you are a wife of a survivor! Thanks for stopping by my blog, those last few are the hardest! If you need anything, let me know!
Rachel what a beautiful post. I’m happy that you chose to write… cause we all need to hear this. Surely God connected us, sisters-in-Jesus, around the world for a purpose.You are such a great testimony of God. will be thinking of you and Todd and praying.
thanks for stopping by earlier.
An amazing, beautiful testimony! I’m so glad you shared this!
even though my dad had an awful outcome, the result of our trials are the same… we wouldn’t be who we are today had we not been through it. and we have both been shown God’s love and faithfulness through it all! your story is beautiful, despite the pain, and brings glory to Jesus! so, please, do tell! xoxo!
Wow, that pulled my heart and I literally have tears down my face. Thank you for sharing this meaningful story, Rachel. Praise God!
Rachel i agree with Carissa-we wouldn’t be who we are today had we not been through it- you know my journey with cancer too but what binds us together no matter what the outcome is God’s love in spite of ourselves.It is the worst thing that has happened to me and the best thing that has happened to me. Share your story it is your story of His Amazing Grace. Thank you my dear sweet friend I look forward to reading more and thanking the Lord for touching your husband. Big giant hugs **
Thanks for sharing.
I so look forward to hearing your thoughts, ponderings, growth with the Lord.
Hope your weekend is BLESSED!
Rachel – thanks for visiting my blogs and for your encouraging comments.
This post brought tears to my eyes. While cancer was not the main culprit in my family (yet), I am all too familiar with sickness and disease and how it changes lives. I look forward to reading more on your blog.
I am so thankful that you stopped by my blog! AND I am thrilled to have found yours! I am looking forward to reading more about your journey with God. There is SO much we can learn from each other. I homeschool as well . . . two boys . . . so I am in AWE of you! Praying God blesses you all abundantly . . . He is surely holding you in His loving arms!
You should not feel guilty because your husband is a survivor! It is God’s will that he is!
What a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing.
Rejoicing with you over God’s goodness and mercy!
Yes, well said. Sometimes I think the spouses and family of the cancer patient are overlooked in the chaos. I think my husband was. I’m glad to hear you weren’t. Thanks for sharing.
This is just beautiful Rachel.
I’m the mother a cancer survivor. I feel so grateful and like you sometime I wonder WHY US?
So many of our friends did not, and had faith that could literally move mountains!
I’m just so grateful and I know you are too.