Tonight was frustrating.
Not in the big frustrating ways of motherhood. But in the little things building up and piling up and me all of a sudden telling everyone that they should go to bed now and then they all tell me it’s only 7pm kind of way.
I’m kind of a stewer on the bad stuff. And yeah, I made that word up, but you get it. I’m the person that will allow the irritation of little things to bother me and instead of just getting over it quickly sometimes I’ll just get grumpy. Or frustrated. Or worried. Or anxiety filled. Or whatever. So just so you know (or don’t feel alone) today has been one of those days with so many irritations that by this time I’m just done with chaos and want peace.
I’d love to say I’m out but I can’t because bedtime must be dealt with.
I don’t know why stuff stuffed underneath beds frustrates me so much. Or Perler beads everywhere (wait. see above, I get that one…) Or fussing over doing homework. Or when they tell me dinner is horrible (and it’s really my favorite) and then they’re hungry 3.5 minutes later. Or when laundry is dumped out. Or when cleaning a room means putting clean clothes in the laundry. Or computer issues. Or when they fight. Holy moly, when they fight.
Sometimes, and I’m just being real, I’ve just had it.
And truthfully, I am not even sure what makes some nights like that and other nights a breeze.
So here’s some truth.
First, it’s okay to have those moments where we’ve just had enough. I don’t think it’s really possible to get through motherhood without having a millisecond where we look at those we love and just long for a break. It doesn’t mean we don’t love them or that we’re a bad mom. We’re just real. Managing little and medium and soon to be adult people who don’t always fit perfectly into the life plan for today can simply be wearing.
And second, I think most important, instead of fighting the chaos I decided to embrace it.
Let me tell you. It was hard. My main level I not so secretly nicknamed the quiet level and I just had to let that go tonight and let the noise escalate. Kind of. I didn’t look at the kitchen as a mess that was horrible, but rather as the evidence that a family lives here who just had dinner together. Even if some didn’t like it. I thought of the homework as proof that my kids were learning and their teachers were invested in them. The Perler Beads all over the bedroom floor of the ten year old’s once clean room – well, they really frustrate me. I’m trying to embrace the creativity, but hhaha, I do want them clean. But, I’m really attempting a view point switch.
It’s so hard to change perspective.
But, my friends, it’s so necessary. You see this weekend I learned of a friend whose little one was diagnosed with brain cancer. Eight years old. I can’t type that without tears and being humbled. You know, I’m thinking that the crazy normal that I’m aggravated with right now would be absolutely embraced by her. And knowing that gave me that pause to step back. Now listen, it doesn’t mean that we can’t ever get overwhelmed or frustrated, but maybe it does mean that sometimes we re-evaluate the chaos.
Just for a bit.
You see – we’re mothering.
And mothering is not a synonym for peace. Or smooth sailing.
We’re not in this race to have the immaculate house and all the boxes checked and all of that. We’re mothering. And that means messes and frustrations and homework and sibling battles and little sleep. It means that the chaos that was driving me nuts might just be the very thing we love. You see, in it all, I have this deep down feeling that the very normal that can drive us batty is exactly what we will one day look back at with intense gratitude for.
Cherish it. Love those kids. Don’t expect perfection.
Don’t run from the chaos of normal.
Maybe just for a moment embrace it.
It really can change your life.
Or at least your perspective.
Chaos can be beautiful.
ps. This is my friend Angela’s Caringbridge Site for her son Derek. Please keep him in your prayers -> http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/derekyoung2