once

Once I dreamed about being a mom.

Once I thought about how perfect the days would be.

Once I labored and brought to this world a screaming and wailing newborn.

Once I dealt with colic.

Once I stayed up and pleaded with a colicky three week old to sleep.

Once I learned that peas make a mess when fed to a baby.

Once I learned to buy groceries with no money in my checking account and a twenty dollar bill in hand.

Once I learned to walk into preschool with my head held high.

Once I learned what it felt like to feel like she didn’t fit in.

Once I wished for money to buy the cool shoes for my kindergartner.

Once I cried myself to sleep.

Once I yelled at them.

Once I cried myself asleep again.

Once I felt like a really bad mom.

Once I walked into a school and enrolled them into school.

Once I walked out of a school with tears in my eyes.

Once I got on a plane and flew away.

Once I spoke to moms in a different city and my kids went to school in my city.

Once I got on the phone and said I love you so so so much.

Once I read just one more story.

Once I said no to the dishes and yes to playing.

Once I said no to playing and yes to the dishes.

Once I learned that social media isn’t always the truth.

Once I was so grateful for my friends online.

Once I felt alone.

Once I felt like I could do anything.

Once I dropped her off in a dorm 2000 miles from my house.

Once I flew home and left her there.

Once I was thankful for Skype.

Once I made dinner with nothing in the pantry but rice and beans.

Once I looked at another and compared.

Once I thought I didn’t measure up.

Once I worried I failed.

Once I wished I was a better mom.

Once I lost happy.

Once I found myself again.

Once I said yes to me.

The me I had forgotten.

And then I realized that all of those once’s in my life weren’t dropping the ball or not doing enough or not measuring up.

It was simply motherhood.

Once.

~Rachel