because of love

Because of love.

I have days that go in a circle. I feel like I get nothing done. I pray for the wisdom of Solomon to solve debates between you. I sometimes feel like I’m going to go crazy. I wish for silence and yet know that silence will come sooner than I think. Because of love.

I wake at six am and pack lunches that so often are half-eaten, thrown away and most of the times not really appreciated. Because of love.

I care about things that I used to think were silly. I learn the names of Youtube stars and watch videos about Minecraft and smile and tell you it’s cool. I look at the search history on your phone and make rules about media. Because of love.

I listen to your breathing during those times your asthma acts up. I count the breaths and hold you in my arms and debate in my head when is the right time to go in and when I’m just being the paranoid mom. Because of love.

I fight and make hard choices. I count pennies at the grocery store. I stay awake until the wee hours of the morning writing and wake before the sun hits the horizon again. Because of love.

I said goodbye to you and watched you fly away. I tied your shoes and felt the slam of the door on my face when you said you hated me. I didn’t give up on you. Because of love.

I open bills and doors and buckle seatbelts and shut sliding doors and try to talk to you in the morning on the way to school. I don’t count the silence and one word answers as a loss. Instead I’m grateful for the time. Because of love.

I vacuum and pick up and fold clothes. Again and again and again. Because of love.

I look in the mirror and gather my resolve. I am tired. I am joyful. I crash sometimes and fall apart. I don’t give up. I try over and over. Because of love.

I hope and believe in you. I help with homework. I sit on chairs in teacher’s rooms and let my eyes fill with tears as I hear about you. I research symptoms and pray for answers. Because of love.

I watch you sleep and breathe in and breathe out and remember when you fit in the crook of my arm and I wonder how in the world time is going so fast. And then at the same time sometimes I wish it would go faster on the crazy days. Because of love.

I know I’m not perfect. I gave up on that long ago. Instead I take what I can and try to be better and give myself grace. But I remember that I’m not perfect nor expected to be perfect. I’m just expected to do my best. Because of love.

I read and study and compare notes and call friends and ask questions and wonder if I’m a good mom. I worry that I’m messing up. I’m proud of your victories. And cheer for you when you fall. Because of love.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if what I’m doing is enough. I wonder if you all will turn out well and will look back and think that I was a good mom. I’ve come to peace that I’ve messed up, because well, this world isn’t perfect. But, I’ve learned to understand that messing up and trying and giving matters. Because of love.

And sister reading these words. Sister with the doubts and wonder if what you’re doing really is enough or makes a difference – let me remind you of one thing.

Love.

That love you have makes you an amazing mom. It’s the love that makes us wonder about if we’re doing it right and pushes us to try again. It’s the love that gets us up even when we’re exhausted. Don’t discount that, sweet mom. Motherhood may have those days that are hard and trenches and storms and those are the moments that make the beauty and the normal beautiful.

Because you love.

You love them.

Let that sink in.

Not all the worries, doubts, fears and measuring up stuff that clouds our worth.

Instead remember.

You love.

~Rachel