sometimes my worst enemy is me

You are such a joke.

That’s what I heard when I was late for school on the first day of my kids’ new school and my first grader forgot his backpack.

Seriously? That’s dinner?

That’s what I heard when I decided to make frozen gluten free nuggets and crispy fries for dinner the other night.

What do the teachers think?

That’s what I heard after I read an email about how my son was late on some homework despite being the new kid and not knowing all the rules.

You don’t spend enough quality time with them

That’s what I heard after I spent three hours going back and forth to school and I decided to say no the game and yes to watching a movie with them.

Truth?

Sometimes my worst enemy is me.

I’ll pack my kids lunches and see the one not-so-good item in there and forget that that is the item they picked out and did the happy dance at the grocery store because I let them get it. I’ll make dinner and dismiss the really hard challenging single mom day that happened before dinner and instead will judge the dinner instead of seeing all of them eating at the table laughing.  I’ll get upset at an email from the teacher but will miss the fact that my kids just didn’t understand and are trying.

My enemy judges me.

Almost constantly.

What are you doing? What are you thinking? What will others think of you? You are screwing up your kids. Way to go – yelled again – I thought you were the patient mom. Honestly, I hope those kids make it through.

My enemy compares me with all of you.

Look at her. She has it all together. How come you can’t? When are you going to do birthday parties for your kids like other moms do? Why don’t you volunteer? Look at what you let them wear to school – seriously, what were you thinking?

(I think seriously, what were you thinking? is an ultra common phrase in my head…)

I don’t know, but I’m guessing that you might have this too. And it is the worst.

It is the worst because instead of seeing anything good – everything is judged and put under the microscope and everything is simply not ever enough.

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Because here’s the deal. That inner critic, that enemy, that voice of discouragement, it doesn’t empower or build up or TELL THE TRUTH. Because the truth is that you might judge yourself too hard. The truth is that sometimes the power is that you got dinner made or lunches packed. The truth is that there are times where the tears fall because we are PUSHED TO OUR LIMITS and when we reach that point it feels so lonely.

This is the truth.

You are a good mom.

And those words that you hear on repeat?

They are not true.

I just want you to start seeing you. I want to look you in the eyes, those eyes that sometimes believe those false words and to tell you how wonderful you are.

Yes, you.

You for all you do. For the noses that you wipe and teachers that you email and kids that you pick up and teens that you pray for and nights you get no sleep and dishes that you wash and clothes that you fold and rooms that you clean and relationships that you fight for and bills that you pay and love that you give and doors that are slammed and tears that tumble and never quitting that you do.

That’s the truth.

Powerful truth.

You are enough.

You are worth it.

You are beautiful.

You are powerful

You are loving.

You are giving.

You are a mother.

Your enemy? Don’t listen.

Instead see.

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See the person your kids love. See the person that is trying.

See you.

~Rachel

#findingjoy

7 Responses to “sometimes my worst enemy is me”

  1. January 21, 2017

    Tamatha Reply

    Rachel. Wow. I feel like you’ve read my mind. That voice, that enemy is so real. I’ve found your post about being enough. Ugh. It’s so hard. Thank you for feeling free enough to share. I’ve wanted to write for so long and I don’t out of fear. But I see you aren’t scared to say it out loud. Thank you.

  2. January 22, 2017

    Carol salafia Reply

    This beautiful work of art is vital for many moms who are suffering the empty nest, annulled marriage after 27 years, mother of 4 married children, 5 Grandchildren who on one occassion we all meet togethet.Christmas. this is me. I’m very grateful for all. The little voice you speak of is a constant with me. I shut it down with tears and forgivness, because I allowed the voice to much power over me…..thank you. Amen

  3. January 22, 2017

    Carol salafia Reply

    I would like to start a website I’ll need time , keep this finding joy.net this is so good for me and many moms like 💖💗🕊

  4. January 24, 2017

    Kim rotondo Reply

    When I am having one of those mom days I click on your blog. Each day it is as if you can completely read my mind and tell me just what I need to hear. Thank you for showing up each day and speaking the truth. Love yourself.

  5. March 7, 2017

    Beth Mehaffwy Reply

    I have herd that voice most of my life..It’s just me..no one else says these things to me..it started out when I was little..my parents always built me up but I always knock myself down..it contiues..the diffrece now is sometimes I catch it..or if I say it out loud my husband will remind me Im ok..My girls love me..they love me so much..that voice can be so ruff..it takes so much to stop it..but if you keep doing it..telling yourself I am a good Mom..I’m showing up..it becomes easyer.

  6. March 14, 2017

    marian Reply

    thank you so much… as if u wrote this personally for to me… really needed this… thank you… bless you

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