me too, sister

Please do not judge me but…my marriage, my kids, my patience, my creativity, my budget, my house, my appearance, my goals, my car, my dreams, my tongue, my friends, my family, my outlook, my heart…it’s…

I read your words.

I hear you words.

I see you stop, just for a moment before you share, and in that moment, that breath, that hesitation is the fear of being judged when we share.

Please don’t judge me.


That’s how topic after topic after topic is started on our Finding Joy Page. And it’s a safe group, my friends, it’s safe. Women open up there and share their hearts and are LOVED for who they are and all of the other stuff doesn’t matter. And yet, yet, there’s this moment of vulnerability in sharing our hearts. Don’t judge me.

My friend Tiffany wrote this, We are always on the defense because we think we’re failing compared to others. And I think that’s often because instead of extending grace and love and saying “me too, sister” we just stay tight-lipped about our personal struggles and worries and concerns….because of worry of judgement and fear of confirmation of our worries that we’re failing. It’s a terrible cycle.

It’s a terrible cycle.

So let’s just get a couple things cleared up, shall we?

One. We’re all only human. We’ll mess up. We’ll fall down. We’ll say things that the next day we’ll be like where in the world did that come from? But in our human state we love deeply. And part of being human means that sometimes we have soda pop or chicken nuggets. Sometimes our house is a mess. Sometimes our kids mess up. All of that isn’t a grade of us as moms.

Two. We compare. And in that comparison we tend to give ourself really low grades compared to everyone else out there. Well, not all the time, because I know we also have those times where we think thank goodness I have it together unlike…. insert name. All of that leads to us, as Tiffany said, being tight-lipped.

Three. We feel alone. I get it. Keeping everything inside under the guise of false utopian existence has its way of wearing on us. And we all set the precedent higher and higher – we apologize for the mess when someone walks in versus just saying come in it’s awesome to see you. We can break the cycle of aloneness by dropping the precedents of perfectionism and letting people in to see the very real life that we ALL live. Messy sinks, throwing up kids, broken marriages, late bills. We all have something. We’re only alone when we hide.


Four. We don’t want to be judged. Not sure I need to even explain this. But, let me tell you – I hate feeling like I’m being judged. Because then, well, then it leads to me feeling like I can’t measure up. Which, as Tiffany identified is a vicious cycle of me feeling like I’m failing. And I know you, too, have that fear as my letter Dear Mom Who Feels Like She is Failing has over 270k Facebook Likes. That’s a whole bunch of us all wandering around feeling like once again we messed up. And to top of it we have to hide it so we don’t feel judged.

Five. None of us are failing. I mean, I guess if we gave up we’d be failing. But, friends, listen to me you are not failing. Sometimes we look at the times that we fall and stumble and lose our patience as absolute failure times. But then we’re missing all the times where we totally excelled and the times when we fought and the times when we operated on nothing but coffee fumes.

Six. We need friends. See point four. But we need to be real. And every single time we start a sentence with the words please don’t judge me we’ve put ourselves in the position of seeing ourselves as not measuring up. You are a mom. You didn’t wake up one day with all the mom wisdom put miraculously in your head. NOPE. Instead, you along with all the rest of us moms that are walking on this world, are instead LEARNING HOW TO MOTHER. And we do our best. We need friends who love us for our best.

Seven. So show up. That. My friend Lori has shown up to me in ways that are crazy. 3 am rides to the airport. She saved me from my purple hair fiasco. Has helped with my kids. Brought me food. Listens listens listens. And loves me AS I CHANGE. When our friends go through stuff we need friends that stick with us. Because, as you can often tell, I’m kind of an emotional mess. My emotions probably sit above the crust of my personality and rarely get shoved in the core. And sometimes that means I have bad days. But friends, and friends like Lori, know that being a friend means loving your friend as a mess.


Eight. Pledge to pause before you say Don’t Judge Me. Because, my friends, I’m not judging you. I’m loving you. Your past is in your past. In fact, so many of us walk around with the past, instead of being behind us, but rather in front of us defining our very moves. We’ll hear the inner critic pestering us and we’ll see all the hard stuff and instead of learning from it we let it define us. And often with fear.  Fear robs us of today. And every single time we say don’t judge me we’re fearful. You are beautiful for who you are – if you need help or an opinion – be real and let go of the fear of being judged.

In fact, you, right now, have the ability to no longer tolerate living in a world of judgment. Because those that judge don’t see you for you. And you deserve to see you with the strength to know how much you matter.


We have ONE life to live. ONE time to mother.

It’s time to shed the fear of judgment from our shoulders.

It’s time for you to breathe, to smile, to appreciate you. Yes, you.

It’s time for us to LOVE our friends.

It’s time for us to live with faith for a future that is full of good.

It’s time for you to SEE you.

To see YOUR strength, beauty, power and unbelievable contribution to this world.

You know what I want to tell you now?

Me too, sister. Me too.

Now mother.


ps. My Challenge? Tell a friend “me too, sister” and ask her to tell a friend. Let’s become a culture of moms who loves instead of competes – who shows up instead of looks away – who are real.

now I’m going to go clean my kitchen, fold some laundry, watch a bit of Hulu, wish there was ice cream, change into my yoga pants, kiss my kids on their heads good night and carry on…

9 Responses to “me too, sister”

  1. January 27, 2016

    Kathy Reply

    I would *love* to say, “Me, too,” but I AM judged. When you have a child who struggles, be it with physical health, mental health, grades, relationships — as a mother, you are judged. Even by people who you think aren’t going to judge you. Your line, “Those that judge don’t see you for you,” is SO powerful! Thank you! That line has changed my day. It’s true. The people who judge me have their own issues, and maybe that is what is clouding their ability to see me. I know I’m doing my best, and I know that my kids are doing their best, and for our family, we celebrate and find satisfaction in that. Rather than feel sorry for myself that I feel judged, I will turn it around and hold my head high and know that I’m doing okay. Thank you!!

    • January 29, 2016

      Jane H. Reply

      Kathy, I have been judged too. I know how painful it is to be criticized as a mom. And even worse to have your children criticized . Hold your head high you are a good mom, the perfect mom for your great kids. Hugs from Michigan

  2. January 29, 2016

    Mirna R. Reply

    Thank you for sharing! This is exactly what I needed to hear today.

  3. February 1, 2016

    Joy Thacker Reply

    Thanks for sharing these beautiful encouraging thoughts! Love the idea of your friend Lori showing up in your life to listen listen listen, and love you AS YOU CHANGE. That kind of friendship is a true treasure. I’m blessed with a few friends like that too. When we share deep things with each other sometimes it’s kinda like sneezing with a mouth of pre-chewed food spraying out our faces. But, no worries we clean up the mess together. Thanks for creating a space for so many of us to say “me too sister me too”!

  4. February 2, 2016

    Jacqueline Reply

    I read your eloquent words and pray daily to get passed judgement knowing I will never measure up. I have been judged all my life and being a mum has made those people rip into me further especially as a mum with a child wih exceptionalities. I have allowed people into my life believing that anyone is better than no one and that is a lie. I feel better alone than with others most of the time. Social media is a growing falsehood some of us have foolishly moved into thinking people care because lives are too busy to meet and get to know each other. I get so many “likes” and comments on baked goods I post but ignored when I post real issues showing vulnerability…I will always try to be myself and hope that I remember my identity rests in God and not what others think–good or bad. I am not always strong and I fail in my own eyes so I do not need others judging me or my efforts. God bless you as this article touches many!

  5. February 4, 2016

    Larrietta Willis Reply

    I feel like people all the time judge me because I’m a statistic(young, African American single mom ), also don’t have a college degree but compare myself constantly to my cousin who is younger and has a child but seems to have it all–great career, great support system etc and in just trudging along trying to make it but I feel like the black sheep of the family because I married but divorcing a drug addict. I left him for a new start with our son but I still feel like family has already passed judgement on me. It’s frustrating when we have gatherings because it feels awkward with all the staring and whispering. I try not to let it bother me but again it’s family.

    • February 5, 2016

      Rachel Marie Martin Reply

      Thank you for sharing your heart with me. I’m sorry for that feeling and just want you to know from me to you how much I appreciate all you do for your family.


    • May 19, 2016

      Melanie Jeanne Reply

      You precious thing – I wish I had seen this when you wrote it. I hope you get to see my response – because YOU are incredibly BRAVE. And one thing I have learned about family gatherings – many times I think they are judging, when they are simply admiring the fact that I am managing to still hold it together. And if they are judging, I remember that God forgave my past, is working in my present, and insists that I LOOK UP and not down, because HE is incredibly proud of me, and that is all that matters. I remember that my situation is NOT my fault, and that I am doing the best that I can. You are doing what is best for your kids by taking care of them AND you, and I bet you are doing a fabulous job. You be you – be God’s daughter – and let the chips fall where they may. You are INCREDIBLY LOVED and APPROVED OF. Grace and peace to you.

  6. July 8, 2016

    Venessa Todd Reply

    This speaks volumes!! I am constantly being judged by my family…for what I do and don’t do as a Mom and person. They want me to make choices based on their convience. We moved 300 miles away because my husband and I were being obedient to the Lord. He told us to go and we left. Since then I have been pushed down and talked to the lowest of low by my family and how I’m taking heir grandkids away and their memories they could have. Thank you for this and the many other posts you write. They’ve helped and encouraged me so much! 😊

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