Two weeks ago I wrote an article title Cancer of Not, When Did Making Fun of Each Other Become Okay? In it I wrote about the cool (and awesome and inspiring and motivating and insert any other totally empowering adjective) tutu runners Monika and Tara. I wrote about how Self Magazine made fun of them and then kind of apologized to Monika stating they didn’t know she had cancer and never would have ran the article if they had known.

That inspired the title.

Cancer shouldn’t be an excuse for poor behavior.

We simply shouldn’t make fun of each other to make money.

As the weeks have passed, I’ve been blessed to get to know Monika and Tara more. Tara has shared with me how she’s trained, cried, ran, given, and kept going. Running. And yet, she really was lost in the whole fiasco. Where was her apology? Why weren’t we looking at them as two women who were empowered to look at the challenges of life and instead of dwelling in the difficulties were running together? Why didn’t we celebrate the power of working together and supporting each other?

Why was it the tearing down?

Why is cutthroat more profitable than sincerity?

This isn’t the first time Self’s editor, Danziger, has had to address a Self folly. In 2009 the mag landed in hot water after running a Photoshopped image of Kelly Clarkson on its cover. After getting flack for the digitally-slimmed Clarkson, Danziger wrote a post on Self.com admitting to Photoshopping, but stood by its decision. “Yes. Of course we do retouching,” she wrote. “Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best.”

That is what is tearing us down, making us self-conscious. . . poisoning the team. Yes, team.  Tearing each other down fragments us as a culture, a team of women.

When Tara wrote me to talk about her experience as the “other tutu” girl, the first thing she mentioned was being excited that her photo was going to be in Self Magazine and then feeling duped and dejected when it was in the BullShit Column. Can you imagine that? She sent in one of their most empowering pictures, that moment of victory, that feeling of success to a magazine. Then, the magazine came, and it was the exact opposite.

It’s the dagger in the back moment.

The fact that Self Magazine removed its editor is something our society does as a band-aid. Someone had to be responsible so they got rid of an editor. But the editor wasn’t the problem. The culture of the magazine, the culture of beauty. . . that’s part of the issue.

We don’t hold ourselves accountable for any of this. Why are we buying magazines that touch up photos in that way? That feeling we had when we supported the tutu girls. . . why does it fade so quickly?

Look at Monika and Tara. Running together. Supporting each other. Believing in each other. Challenging each other to do more. Not quitting. Holding each other up when they feel like stopping. Laughing and crying and pushing each other to do more. Sending in their picture to a magazine hoping that it will inspire others? (And you know what? -It truly has inspired not just several, but millions and millions, despite the angst that should never have happened.)

You know what Self Magazine did right? They are getting rid of the BS column altogether. . . (of course not till after the next issue. . . can’t do something powerful at the expense of profits.) But they are doing it.

That matters. No more BS. More real.

I’d like to see all women’s magazines take one more step.

Pledge to show grace.

Pledge to exude empathy.

Pledge to change the culture.

Pledge to build up.

Pledge to encourage.

Pledge to see the good.

Pledge to be part of this Happiness Ripple that Tara describes. The Happiness Ripple? That’s the result. That’s the good that came from the angst, the pain, the dagger in the back. That was women standing up and saying “enough”. That was men standing up and saying enough.

I ask you to take a stand for the tutu girls today. Go to your Facebook. Go to your Email. Go to your phone. Find someone you know who’s been hurt and slighted and tell them you understand. If you hurt them apologize. Share happiness first. Empower each other. Be kind. Be good to others.

And you know what? Stop supporting companies that don’t make us better. And. . .

Buy a tutu. 

Thank you Tara and Monika for trusting me with your story. Thank you for being inspiring. Thank you for making those tutus. thank you for being women that empower each other. Thank you for being real. By the way – Tara told me the coolest part is this Happiness Ripple that she’s seen happy from this. Light outshines darkness. Good prevails. 

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This article was coauthored by Dan R Morris. Dan is my business partner and friend, founder of Blogging Concentrated, speaker, business coach, and writes LettersfromDan.com.

To read Tara’s response please go to It Could Be Worse.

All images are courtesy of Monika Allen and Tara Baeze.

To purchase a tutu visit Glam Runners.

Maybe you didn’t know how motherhood would change you.

I heard that sometimes you miss all you do. That sometimes you look back and wonder what to do now. Sometimes you need a reminder of the before and after. You, the mom, in your life, at this moment, need to remember. To see, to breathe, to move, to believe, to laugh, to cry, to move.

Knowing that you know.

Knowing that you know in your mind and your heart that you are a powerful woman. You are brave, wonderful, and full of creativity. You can listen to all that you think you should be doing or should have been doing or think that you need to do or you can stand in front of your mirror and see the warrior, the beauty, the strength that you have. In being you. In living a life of movement. And giving of self.

Did you see you before you became a mom?

Did you see how strong you would become or how helpless you can feel in the same moment? Did you  know how much a hand in your hand in the store mattered or how quickly you can move to get your child out of the way of a backing up car. Did you know how you’d laugh and hurt at the same time? Did you feel the depth of love and crazy frustration you can have for someone at the same time?

And now, now look at you.

You would give of yourself for those creatures in your house you spill juice, leave legos on the floor, slam the door, forget their homework, tell you they don’t like dinner, pull all the clothes out of the drawer, yell I hate you, grumble about doing chores, and are always hungry for anything but what you have your home. You push yourself and work hard and answer phone calls and fight for them. You are not just a mom, dear friend.

In some ways, motherhood sets us free.

Before motherhood.

You didn’t see your motherhood strength.

Oh you were strong. You have always been strong.

Motherhood just unleashes a new kind of strength.

I know. You miss it sometimes. You would sit across the table from me, and if it’s like my table it now has marker stains and sticker remnants left on it, and you might tell me that you don’t feel very strong right now. You’ll tell me you feel tired. That you don’t think that you’re measuring up. That you wish you had more time. That your kids don’t like you. That you’re bored. That you never know what to make for dinner or that you hate laundry. That you knew time would go so fast but you didn’t realize it was this fast. That you’re scared. Worried. Hoping that you’re doing this motherhood thing right.

The truth is that it would be rooms of us moms all saying the same thing.

All of us moms. A collective group of women in a journey of life filled with moments of utter joy and devastating heartbreak and whole bunch of normal and moments of tediousness and moments where you are stuck dealing with a toddler who has a tantrum because you cut their sandwich into triangles instead of squares (You know they switch that up all the time, right?) You and me and all of us women who are also moms have this bond between us – a bond of loving someone else with all of hearts who oftentimes doesn’t seem to appreciate all we’re doing.

Motherhood is an empowering thing.

It could be easy for us to sit in everything that is hard. You and I could sit around the table and lament about our mistakes and complain about the every day. But, that’s not what you’re about. Not me either. Oh we can chat about the challenges and the frustrations, but you know, we’re not going to stay there. It’s about seeing. Remembering. Knowing that our mindset and our hearts make a difference. It’s in being willing to be a friend for others when they’re alone. It’s in seeing our lives and moving forward even though we’re exhausted.

Before.

Motherhood changes us. It takes a woman and makes her face her own self. It’s like forcing us to look in the mirror and then while we’re looking all of our struggles are exposed. Perfectionism, comparing, competition, vanity, worry, and more. Then we deal with it.

One cannot be the same.

As you catch your breath running through the daily grind race you become stronger and in fact, discover self. You’ve learned the art of counting to ten while while dealing with four year olds who refuse to go to bed. You know that sometimes to avoid angst that you need to cut ties. You learn how to fight. For yourself and for your kids. You can see past the airbrushed perfectionism of today’s culture and instead focus on the real beauty of the every day. In lives that aren’t perfect and maybe look like a shattered Hallmark dream. You’re willing to move forward, to love, to give, to fight, in a life of moments that are challenging and where you often feel alone.

So lets look and remember. Lets remember the before motherhood moments and remember them with fondness and then celebrate the woman we are now. You need to see that.  You need to know that even while you are a mom that you are still you. That it is good to cultivate your dreams too. You are not just a mom, but now are a mom and you and it’s this awesome and beautiful mix. You need to remember that all those little things that you want to brush off like all the crumbs on the floor are actually the little things that pile together to make your beautiful life story. Those moments, the hugs, kisses, tucks into bed, bandages on the knees, texts to teens, all of that – that is your motherhood story being built one minute after another after another.

After motherhood.

You know there is no after.

There is only before.

Rock on powerful mom. Yeah, you. You’re powerful. Brave. Changed. A fighter. A woman empowered. A lover. A nurturer. A giver. A prayer. A dreamer. A cleaner (haha). A mom. A woman with her own beautiful and unique and amazing story.

Take today by storm.

#bravemother

What is your brave mother story? Be ready to share yours – there’s a new project coming. And who today can you remind that they are brave? Do that. Those words, those notes, those friendship moments matter. 

Oh yeah. Don’t ever dismiss motherhood as just being something that we all do. No matter what your life story – if you work or stay at home or do a combo of both – motherhood is work. It’s a job, and not just any job, but rather truly it’s like being the CEO of the craziest energy ridden start up company kind of awesome job ever.

Think about it – at this moment you’re in charge of one of your own start up company. (And trust me, I’m right in the middle of building a company – the awesome Blogging Concentrated -   and I’ve learned some lessons about start up companies. ) So here for you – in case you have ever wondered am I really doing anything and accomplishing much in these motherhood years? – here is a list of twelve reason why you, the mother, are the best CEO around.

1. You get no sleep. Ever. Or if you get more than six hours of sleep it becomes something that is worthy of an update on facebook like hey guess what? there is hope and there can be a night of sleep once a month. Motherhood from the moment it starts is pretty much that moment when you give up your sleep card. And then when you sleep you’ve got that ear always alert, always aware, and always ready for a little one to find you. and hahah…if your four year old end up sneaking into bed with you then you sleep with feet in your face, then elbows, then hands, and then back to feet as they complete rotations throughout the night. A start-up is the same. No sleep. You give of yourself for your investments.

2. You believe that tomorrow will be better. Yes, this. Sometimes we can get stuck in the minutia of our every day and then be super super hard on ourselves. So you messed up today – it doesn’t define tomorrow. Not one bit. Learn from the lessons of today and then move on. That’s what moms do. We keep moving forward. That’s what you do – from enrolling them in new classes to deciding I’m trying this for dinner or I’m going to change up the routine or in having faith that whatever season you are in will evolve into something beautiful. Because remember, seasons change. In business and start ups we’re constantly moving forward looking at the future and letting that define today. Sitting in the past makes today mirror that, but believing in the future brings life to today.

3. You work incredibly hard. You do. Don’t dismiss your work as nothing. Remember number one? You get no sleep? Well, when you operate day after day with no sleep and keep pulling up your boot straps, well, that is working incredibly hard. And there are some of you who are simply tired and yet, you bravely keep plodding forward. Sometimes motherhood is pushing the hair behind one’s ear, calling a friend, and believing that all this hard work will pay off. And the work often is tedious, boring, and the same thing again and again. Listen. The same thing layers upon itself and that becomes a life story. A company is built on not only vision, but also daily routine tasks that must be done for growth. Those things, those working hard moments, are the foundation of success.

4. You feel like you’re crazy. Hahaha. Yes. I do sometimes. And running a startup often has those moments when one looks at what they’re doing and the words what in the world am I doing? escapes the mouth. Motherhood is so like this. Like just the morning I answered the question could I have just a little bit of ice cream? Yes. At eight in the morning. And then, when I said no it’s morning. I was told that today is now the worst day ever. Ha! Motherhood is filled with these crazy moments where you are uttering phrases you never thought you would and wiping up applesauce from the floor and driving all over and being super grateful for the baristas at Starbucks. Remember even if it feels crazy it still matters and makes a difference. It’s movement.

5. You make things work no matter what. Yep. Moms are  the coolest inventors ever. No tape? We’ll take packing tape and cut it into little strips. No matching socks? Well, today’s new cool thing is to wear unmatched socks (yeah, that’s what my kids heard a couple days ago.) Nothing for dinner? Ha. We can make things magically work together from those bare pantries. Motherhood creates ingenuity. It pushes our creativity to the limits. Let me tell you – there is nothing that you cannot do when pushed to the edge. Well, except clone yourself. If you’ve got answer to that – I’m listening. And I’m sure all the CEO’s out there are listening as well.

6. You move at an exponential pace. Running a start up means almost always feeling like one is sprinting. And motherhood is in fact the ultimate marathon run at a sprint pace. Just make sure to take breaks and breaths. Like those 11 minute naps where you say don’t wake me up unless it’s an emergency and then you get woken up with the emergency of needing a rice krispie bar immediately. Motherhood is life in motion. You give, you move, and they grow. Those toddler who can’t decide between the orange dinosaur shirt and the red and blue striped shirt will soon be asking for their own phone and unlimited texting. It’s movement. Take a moment to savor it because next thing you know you’ll be watching them flip the tassel over at graduation.

7. You are being told to do this or that and yet you just do what you need to do. Everyone will have an answer and a solution to your life. Listen to them. Learn from them. But, just as we do in our company, you must ultimately decide what is the best decision for your family. Sure that craft looks crazy awesome on pinterest, but then, it might not work for your family. It’s adapting, giving yourself grace, and developing a filter that doesn’t allow all the expectations to be definers of success. Do you know what really matters? It’s those moments of pause where you scoop up your four year old and hold him for just a bit and tell him you love him. It’s in fighting for teens even though you might be the enemy. It’s in loving and giving and not quitting.

8. You are grateful for moments. My goodness. If there is anything I’ve learned in the last six months it is to be grateful for the moments. Little things matter. And sometimes, in fact, often, you have to choose to make a moment happen even though there doesn’t seem to be time. For instance, when I was in Boise we drove an hour to Oregon because I had never been to that state (and I’m on a quest to go to every state in the country – that was the last one west of the Mississippi). It’s the same with motherhood. There will always be one more thing on our to-do list, but there won’t always be a six year old who wants to sit in our laps and read a story. There are only a certain number hours in a day and certain number of days in a year and a certain number years when they live in our roof. So, even though it is hard, create those moments and be grateful. Gratitude makes a difference.

9. You have learned to laugh. You’ll make mistakes (like in a business – we’ve missed flights, forgotten things, etc…) And when you make mistakes it would be easy to sit in angst or regret or irritation. But that gets one nowhere. So learn to laugh. When my ten year old Brennan was two he decided to get into the flour. (This was before we were a gluten free house). And well, there was flour absolutely everywhere in my kitchen. I came in and because of the ridiculousness of the situation I took a couple pictures, laughed, and then vacuumed everything. Including his hair. Learn to laugh. Our kids need to see us laugh – they need to see the smiles – they need to see us enjoying motherhood.

10. You have learned to align yourself with those who make you better. There is a quote by Mark Twain (the graphic is on the finding joy blog facebook page) that states Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can be great.  Listen. There is no time for angst in your life. No time for perfectionism, competition, and all of that stuff that distorts us from being the best us we can be. You, as a mom, need to align yourself with those who love you for you. You are willing to wake up at 3am and listen to you on the phone. With those that you can open the door to your home and you don’t feel the need to apologize for dishes on the counter. You need real. And, sweet mom, in order to attract real one must be real. Remember, in life there really isn’t perfect there’s only real. So find those that love you for you. Who align yourself with is a very powerful thing.

11. You know there is always something else to do. Laundry, email, cleaning, dishes, reading, folding clothes, reciting spelling words, sweeping, vacuuming, combing hair, phone calls, etc… the list keeps going and going and going. Our to-do list for Blogging Concentrated? It’s a google doc that is six pages long. And always growing – not shrinking. And that is okay. That’s good  - that means we’re moving and that life is moving. Nothing to do is boring anyway. Right?

12. You see motherhood as a gift even though it’s work. These moments will happen most often late at night when the kids are asleep and you have that moment of perspective. It’s work, my friends, but in the midst of this life giving journey is the realization that you are changing the world. A CEO is no different – being able to work and run a company comes with profound gratitude for the gift of work. You’ve got this -> One day, one smile, one you can do this and I believe in you moment after another. You will be tired. You will fall down. You will wonder if you’re crazy. You will have tears in your eyes. But you will persevere. And what you’re doing is raising the next generation. That is life changing.

And the sanity saver for all CEO’s? Find three things every day that you’re grateful for. Just three. And they can be things like I got to drink all of my coffee while it was still hot or my four year old only changed clothes three times. Just look for them. Those moments of gratitude are the moments that give us perspective and allow us to be thankful for the gift of today.

Tell me – what would you add?

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To find out more about my start up visit Blogging Concentrated or check out our facebook page at BCFacebook